Aries
You can stand second in line behind Aries until Hell freezes over, and you will never get to be
first in line. Fair play would suggest that Aries should get its insolent ass out of the way and let
somebody else be first for a change. But Aries will die in place and refuse to fall down rather than
move over.
Basically, they like having others look at their ass -- even kiss it, if they can get that. They know
they're insufferable, but their feeling is that somebody's got to be first -- and, man, IT AIN'T
GONNA BE YOU!
Taurus
Placid until provoked, that's Taurus. And that's not just a pretty phrase, any more than Taurus is just another pretty face. There aren't words fierce enough to convey the magnitude
of the natural disaster you will unleash on yourself should you provoke a native of this sign. Harbor a secret hankering
to experience an earthquake of, say, 9 on the Richter Scale, do you? Ever wonder what it might be like
to have an asteroid land in your soup?
No -- if you are the sort of ninny who plays with bulls, at least have the smarts to get out of town at the first bellow. Leave the state, get on the space shuttle. Have an
opportunity to relocate to Mars? Hey, so what if it gets down to 93 below zero at the equator every
night. TAKE IT!
Gemini
Gemini is a bifurcated sign, for want of a better word. If you suspect this means SCHIZO, you get a gold star right in the middle of your forehead. But if you think you can figure out which twin you're dealing with more than half the time, you're either a fool or a psychic. Luckily, neither of the twins pays the least attention to what the other is doing or saying. REMEMBER THIS. It may help you big time with the divorce settlement.
Although they like to be thought brainy, you could walk from one shore to the other of the lake of their intelligence without getting more than the soles of your shoes wet. Remember Gingrich? Masters of the non sequitur, they have minds so jammed with trivia that a conversation with them is like watching a TV channel with nothing but commercials. Gemini is an air sign -- get it?
For a little fun, confess your undying love to both twins and stand back. Ever see two cats in a sack?
Cancer
Hearth and home, that's Cancer. These people can't wait to get into their house and lock the door
-- with you inside, preferably strapped to a chair. The purpose of that is so they can force feed
you until you're too fat to get out the door. That accomplished, they set to work on their animal
collection, starting with aardvark and running right on through to zebu. Living with Cancer, you learn the true meaning
of Animal House. And since they cannot bear not to share the things they love, you will be given
the honor of the daily care and feeding of the menagerie. This is a lifetime achievement award, so from now on you're in deep doodoo.
I know, we all have the image of a sweet little gray-haired old lady sitting in a rocking chair knitting
by the fire. Just be aware that she's got emotional manipulation down to a science, and can make
you feel so guilty about lord-knows-what that you don't know if you're coming or going.
Chances are, you won't be going. She's got an evil streak of paranoia in her, too. Beware, she
probably has a razor in her bun!
The male of the sign is somewhat different from the female, being slightly more...well, male.
Leo
Leos have so much style it hurts -- especially if you happen to be one of those picky types who think
painting everything gold is ever so slightly tacky. But Leos are generous to a fault (as long as it's one of theirs), and they will
grandly (but with charming modesty) acknowledge whatever applause you give them. It will never be enough, of course --
but, never mind: If sufficient applause is not forthcoming, they'll simply supply it
themselves.
While generally the very picture of health, Leos often suffer elbow and shoulder ailments brought
on by excessive patting of themselves on the back. They're somewhat prone to chapped skin, as
well, from constantly giving themselves little loving kisses. Oh, here and there...and there...and,
would you believe it?...there.
Virgo
Virgos are perfect. If pressed, they might briefly overcome their basic shyness to admit that this is
true. Mostly, however, they prefer to criticize what others do. Nothing pleases them more than
pointing out your flaws. And they feel right in doing this, because, golly, they want you to be as
perfect as they are.
Now, they know you can never achieve this. And they do feel a bit, a very little bit, sorry about
that, and would like to show you some day how things really ought to be done. But they would
rather not lower their high standards to do that -- so, unfortunately, you are on your own. What a
pity, you poor thing -- you're just not a Virgo. Go piss up a rope!
Libra
The common perception that Libra just loves to fall in love is only approximately correct. But,
then, who ever heard of loving to fall in sex? If you are into enjoying some heavy billing and
cooing, Libra is just the ticket. Well, but tickets run out, don't they? So does Libra, whether you
have expired or not.
While you still have Libra's more or less undivided attention, however, you should do your very
best to be as demonstratively lovey as humanly possible. If you fail in this, Libra is likely to shove
you down a flight of stairs so that Libra may come sit by your hospital bed, and hold you dear little
hand and stroke your fevered brow. Should you die of your injuries, Libra will provide you with
an exquisitely tasteful funeral. And then go after your best friend.
Scorpio
Of all the signs, Scorpio is the one that really deserves what's coming to it. Usually, this is something in the
category of rabies contracted while filching nuts from a squirrel's nest. Never trust Scorpio with
your bicycle, your Mickey Mouse beanie collection, your maiden aunt, your pets, your distant
relatives, your spouse or your children -- in that order. You'll get them back, but they're likely to
have funny stains on them.
The only positive note in all this is that Scorpio will go to hell. Actually, if you're up for
something a bit kinky and don't mind a few funny stains, you just might enjoy going along for the
ride. Hey, what's so damned special about that silly old soul of yours, anyway?
Sagittarius
Don't blink, you'll miss Sagittarius. This is the "so long, Charlie" sign of the zodiac -- also
frequently referred to as the bachelor sign, for some odd reason. When one of them does get
hitched, it's usually to another one. Actually, this combination works quite well, especially if they
both drive race cars for a living, in different countries. Then, they can communicate on a
monthly basis by telephone, since letters and even email make them feel uncomfortably hemmed in.
If you want to have some big time fun, tie Sagittarius up for about five minutes and dangle car
keys just out of reach. It is not a good idea to play this game for more than five minutes: You'll
burn all the insulation off their wiring and end up with a frightful mess.
Capricorn
There's just something about Capricorn that stirs the senses and makes one's heart go pit-a-pat. Could it be that certain je ne sais quoi for which this sign is so justly famous? You know -- that cool, Saturnian lack of anything so crass or silly as spontaneity. After all, don't we all get a wonderful little thrilling chill down our spines when we hear these names?: STALIN. NIXON. MAO. JACK THE RIPPER.
Bring on the beer and the scantily clad entertainment persons, it's time to PARTY HEARTY, right?
Be advised. If you have any resemblance to a mountain, these goat people will not rest until they
have managed to climb you. Don't look back. Run as fast as those fat little legs of yours will go!
Aquarius
Aquarius has strange hair, a strange stare, and strange underwear. They say they love people --
but don't be taken in: They're wondering if your liver will be more tasty baked or fried. Members of this
sign rarely believe what they say. Maybe that's why they hardly ever get around to doing what they intend. Like Gemini, Aquarius is an air sign -- but unlike Gemini, this one has just enough brain to be dangerous.
It is said that we are about to enter the Aquarian Age, but that's just Aquarian propaganda. Even
Dante wasn't sick enough to wish something like that on us!
Pisces
If you happen to find yourself drowning in some bog or other one day, and you feel something
kind of cold and slimy rub against you, don't grab onto it thinking to save yourself. It's Pisces --
and while trying to rescue you, Pisces will get confused, forget which direction is up, tenderly insist on helping you down to the muddy bottom, and drown
right along with you. Cold comfort!
Any tidbits from your personal experience you'd like to add to these sketches?
email: dennis@dennisruff.com
You go ahead. I'll catch up with you later. No, really, Earth is a wonderful planet.
I mean, it still manages to look just fine from a distance, doesn't it?...
--OR--
Hey, this just might be the day!
PS: The resident canine goddess, Aria Dogruff, has asked if she might express a pictorial opinion of my web pages.
Tsk! Bad dog.
