The Gift

    
VIOLENCE

Angry young boy, where are you going?
Can you get there not knowing
That anger is a fury that destroys?

Raging young teen, what is your destiny?
Can you get there from your block
Or will evil rage stop the clock?

Insane rap music screams anger and rage
From the loud-speakers of life,
And you young man are listening, not hearing.

Young man, confined man, lost man,
  Sitting in your prison cell,
Angry screams ringing in your ears,
Raging faces even in your dreams,
Stone walls and steel bars...
  Doesn't it ever end?

Violence is a vicious circle of anger and hate,
Broken only by words and deeds of peace and love,
And you have the power to end the madness
When you offer others anywhere simple kindness.

 
                   

FEARS & TEARS

The first time I saw you
It was already too late;
You'd been a victim of Fate,
Learned too much hate.
I wanted to reach out to you
But I held myself back, afraid
Of being hurt, being torn apart.

Then I saw you again,
That same lost little boy,
Pretending to be fearless, strong,
And all I yearned to do
Was hush your bravado,
Tell you I'd been in your shoes,
I'd been abused too, long ago,
That I understood the rage, the agony.

I could no longer ignore your plight
So I sat down and wrote a letter
Wondering if you'd even respond.
When a reply finally came
I put aside my personal fears
And reached across the distance
Eager to know you, to care and share,
Even though I'd surely shed tears.

I couldn't turn away so easily,
  As others do casually,
Yet unlike myself, I find you
Unable to heal -- your clever defenses
Shield inner pain, loneliness, unshed tears.
Still, your hidden, unmet needs haunt me,
And though you keep pushing me away,
All I can see is a hurt, sad child
Afraid to come in out of the cold.

           


You & Me

In you I see me...
The cool, distant stare,
The defiant 'I don't care' stance
Of stifled anger and bitterness,
Upsetting status-quo society
In a whirlwind of chaotic turmoil
Of youthful rebellion, lost causes.

In you I see me...
Though our lives of opposites
Create contrary surface reflections
Of deep midnight and bright sunlight,
In the dark mirror of childhood
Our souls were smothered, numbed,
By those who failed us, betrayed our trust.

In you I see me...
Both struggling to be free,
Wild flames in our lives
As friction and wind ignites
The buried, smoldering embers
Of longing souls to be born:
White heat, blue jets of fire
Surging out of a raging inferno
To burn away my demons in creative art,
And yours by self-destructive holocaust.

           


DARK DESCENT TO DESTINY

Wild by night, no stranger to danger,
You rode the wicked black beast,
A madman suddenly gone berserk;
Fearless and fierce, you chased the
Ghosts of childhood hell into midnight,
Echoes of bitter deceit burning your mind,
A raging existential hero,
Crashing the gates of twisted Fate.

Tortured by day, stalked and hunted,
You rode the flaming malevolent monster
Of evil anger and hate, reckless and remorseless,
Violently attacking this one, that one, anyone;
Striking out blindly, fighting yet hurting,
A delirious, misunderstood maniac
Tearing toward that ultimate hostile act.

Crucified by life, loose and utterly lost,
You rode harder, faster down that dark road,
Consumed by savage fury, slaying those demons
Within you -- step-father, mother, father,
And despotic society -- it failed you too.
You went down defiantly, on that last descent
Into self-destruction by random murder
Of another, an innocent victim,
The sure agent of your doomed destiny.

         


DISAPPOINTMENTS

You write that you wish
You could be more,
Have more to give me;
That you knew you'd 
Eventually disappoint me.

I have been hurt
But not by who you are;
And I've been worried
But not by your sharing,
Only your silent retreat.

You write that you are limited,
You are too damaged,
To help reach the sunshine;
That you try to be honest
Even if you are dysfunctional.

I have only admiration
For the open frankness
You've shown and given;
It's helped me know you.

Disappointments are always part
Of a sincere, deeply caring
Friendship that is enriching.

Without the rainy nights,
We couldn't value the sunlight.

      


MORNING FROST

Once you wrote that no one outside
Your own head cared about you,
And I wondered if you thought my
Sharing with you a pastime?
If you didn't know you are inside
My head, in my thoughts now?
And did you ever imagine what that
Is like for me -- having the weight
Of your world always with me?
To walk around out here, silently
Spinning thoughts of you in my mind?
To have fears, cares, worries and
Deep concern for you, all alone?
To have long interior dialogues that
Never get written or said?

We've never met in person,
Or spoken to one another,
But you are a real part of my life,
And when you withdraw or pull away,
Or throw up that emotional wall,
You stop my heart, freeze my soul,
And I hurt as much as if you
Were here, turning your back to me,
Walking out into a morning frost
Leaving me behind, confused and lost.

        


BETWEEN THE LINES

I can hear between the lines of your words
Written in clever debate, lingering arguments
Of your fight for life, your right to breathe
And remain alive, not be put to death.

You are conflicted, intellect torn with contradiction,
Captured in a spidery web of complex opposites,
Overcome by dark, wild emotions of anger and hurt.
Like a crazy ride on a roller-coaster, you soar
Then plummet down into despair and wretched regret,
Sowing seed of transparent pain between the lines.

I read these black typed words on pages
And see the vagueness of empty spaces,
Like the blank expression on your face
Or the opaque glasses obscuring your eyes.

You want to live, naturally; go on beyond
A momentary act that asks you sacrifice
What you took from another human being.
You want to reach for an impossible solution,
Hold out for hope, even when air there suffocates
You with bleakness, with a sudden crush of defeat.

Defenseless then, only you know the torments
Of a dead past and fast-fading tomorrow.
You choose not to share this fragmentary torture,
And I respect your silent suffering, your private pain.

But always, I read your letters of combative dialogue,
And I hear between the lines of your words
What you hold within -- fear, sadness, suffering and loss.

         


DECEPTION

You hold the pain stubbornly inside,
Then you blame an indifferent society
For your hopeless existence of emptiness.

You say you are locked away
And can never harm others,
You've earned the right to refuse change,
Want no help, no warm comfort.

You boldly assert you have nothing to lose,
Don't want to change the world,
Just live in the frigid place you've chosen.

Oh! You are blind and deaf, insensitive
To the searing, powerful grief
I feel for you, the loss I suffer
When you close the door
On your only hope, spiritual growth.

You may be in prison faraway
But your letters come into my home
And you are real, alive to me now.

So I am sad, so sad to learn
You mistakenly think you can't hurt anyone,
When I cry in my pillow at night for you
And the self-deception that is your doom.

              


A THOUSAND DEATHS

Within you, there lies buried
A thousand anguished tears,
And in your somber blue eyes
A thousand sad, tragic memories.

Within you, there lies deeply
A thousand bittersweet dreams,
And in your grim, unsmiling face
A thousand hopes and wishes denied.

Within you, there lies unknown
A thousand impossible possibilities,
And in your quiet obstinacy
A thousand chances that could be won.

A thousand tears you've cried alone,
A thousand lonesome, endless nights
In your hours of deepest despair,
You paced a cell, condemned by society
And held the hand of no one --
As slowly, painfully you turned to stone
Afraid you had become inhuman.

Your thousand buried miseries now
Have frozen your heart; hurt too long,
You won't let anyone beyond the walls
Touch you in your cold, desolate tomb.

My friend, you will weep yet again
For the gentle feel of soft summer rain,
The far-off happy sound of children playing,
And the strange, distant thunder
Of the ocean's roaring, crashing surf.

A thousand nights of mournful longing
For lost, remembered pleasures
Will lie in the depth of your soul,
Hidden by the blank face you assume
To keep the world from knowing
  You cry alone
And die a thousand deaths of loss.

      


THEORY OF JUSTIFICATION

Society has a theory
That it can teach others
Not to kill by murdering
Those who take the life of another.

Society has a theory
It is trying to convey,
That young men like you
Are wilder than any reform,
A danger, a raging fire
Out of control -- no means
To restrain or change
Such calculating predators.

Society has a theory
That you can either confirm
Or prove absolutely wrong
By whether you change or not.

Society has often labored long
Under collective, conservative delusion,
And you have the awesome power
To correct this massive error
By being above their false assumptions,
And changing within what
Will reflect outward growth,
Destroying their theory of justification.

          


  Wasted Life

No one hears your silent screams
Buried in your empty dreams,
As you lie awake in the dark
On death row, alone and doomed.

No one wants to hear the apologies
You ache to say; so many wrongs
Kept down deep inside, denied.
The words you need to release,
Too late, they think you always lie.

No one cares if you've given up,
You no longer fight your abusive past;
They'd never believe what you said,
Not then, when you needed help;
Not now, when you've murdered
Those hapless victims who'll never know
Why they got themselves killed
Instead of the parents you hated.

No one wants to know the truth,
They don't like to look too close
At how you were failed by those
Who were supposed to love you;
And you don't blame them...
Society is in denial, like you were.

No one will ever recognize
Themselves behind your eyes
In the dark mirror of humanity:
It's too hard, too painful, too scary
To ever admit they could be you
If they'd had your rotten childhood.

No one truly likes to think
About you caged in a tiny cell,
How inhumane it is to exist
In such airless, distressed space,
Trapped behind those iron bars
Year after year after eternal year.

So that when someday you take
That last long solitary walk,
You'll know it's finally freedom,
For you have been dying
Every single day as the light
Dawned beyond another night,
Somewhere just out of sight
Like your miserable wasted life.



STRONG LOVE, STRONG RAGE

You write that you need strong love
  For you have strong love in you;
You write that you fear strong rage
  For you have strong rage in you.

Isn't that the way of all humans?
  We need love like a raging river,
We ache to explore the rapids
  And yet fear the fall?

You write that you are confined
  By the stone walls,
  By the barred cells,
But I think  you could be free
Where freedom is truly found:
In your mind and soul.

Strong love, strong rage,
  Like strong hope, strong pain,
Is something you must understand
  And let another share in fully
If you want to free your soul
  And learn how to become Whole.

    
       


NO TIME

You once wrote that I had
Given you feedback,
Taken the time to respond
To you as no one ever had.

The tragedy in our society
Is one of oversight, neglect,
By always being too busy
And too rushed to respond
To those in need -- young or old.

If I have spent one moment
Giving of myself, of my time
To help you know true understanding,
To help you along on your soul journey,
Then this gift of devotion is worthwhile
And has been my reward, not only yours.

        


GIFT

Your letters, the words swept over me,
And took my breath away, left me bereft;
Why must you sing only lonely songs
And fight against what we both know:
  That Fate is unkind, life blind?

Your letters, dreams denied, hopes lost,
And yet an occasional swift glimpse
Of your forsaken fantasy to escape
The dark horizon -- but no one cheats Fate;
  My heart breaks for the victims & condemned.

Your letters, could I refuse those pages
Written from the depths of darkness?
Whether calculated or not, those words
Reflect moments in your life, eternity
  In a brief stroke of fleeting feelings.

Your letters, to others only paper & ink,
But to me, a writer, one who worships
At the altar of written expression,
Your correspondence is sacred art,
  And now that we must part ways forever,
  It becomes the gift of insight into your world.

3/9/98
NOTE: The young man who inspired this poetry committed suicide November 18th, 1997 in his prison cell on death row.

Here is my last poem for him:

Requiem

To say he was special or unique
Among the many death row inmates
Would not change his ultimate fate --
He was only one among the legions
Holding onto a dim hope of reprieve
That never came, the last hope lost
To a dark, distant past of violence.

So when the bleakness extinguished
His primal instinct for survival,
He surveyed his cramped domain
Of steel bars, concrete walls: a cage,
And like the wild eagle he spread
His wings wide, wide as the world,
And shielding his lethal talons,
He set his piercing gaze upon eternity
And swept himself off the face of earth
Into a timeless realm of mystery
Where he could fly without restraint.

---

Nothing has ever saddened me like the realization that so many of the condemned are doomed by the very nature of the abuse they suffer at the hands of their own parents -- and, I'm not necessarily against the death penalty. Rather, I know the agony such a condemned person suffers, and the best course would be to prevent the damage a child suffers in an abusive family. If you're concerned, here is a link where you can get actively involved!

---

The Children's Defense Fund A strong and effective voice for all the children of America, who cannot vote, lobby, or speak out for themselves. Particular attention focused on the needs of poor, minority, and disabled children. The goal is to educate the nation about the needs of children and encourage preventive investment in children before they get sick, drop out of school, suffer family breakdown, or get into trouble. CDF is a private nonprofit organization supported by foundations, corporations, and individuals.

---

Back To Top

---

[©1997] BACK

---

---