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¹foot \'füt\ noun pl. feet \'fët\
--The lower extremity of the vertebrate leg that is in direct contact with the ground in standing or walking, typically including five toes, the "ball" of the foot, and the heel.
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Through the years people have come to believe, for the most part, that the primary purpose of the human foot is for standing. Also, common belief has lead to the assumption that walking, running, dancing and bodily movements are secondary purposes for these five-appendage parts of the leg. Finally in a recent study, "shoe-wearing" has been ranked as third main use and purpose of the human foot.In the writing of this essay, I hope that I might be able to clear up these misconceptions. The truth of the matter is that the majority have been mislead by hearsay and rumors. Thus, they have forgotten the true reason why we have been given feet. In fact, most of the younger generations today and in years to come, unfortunately, may never be taught these vital facts. It is our duty to inform those not fortunate enough to know the truth.
The truth of the matter is that the foot is to be used in moments of humiliation, embarrassment, and extreme blushing. Below are some "Operating Instructions" you may deem valuable and vital in learning the proper use of the foot.
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"THE FOOT: Operating Instructions"
INDICATIONS:
For the temporary prevention of saying something potentially stupid, dumb, embarrassing, rude, offensive, or ditzy. Temporarily disables the mouth in use of speech.
DIRECTIONS:
--Adults ("not a kid anymore" to "old"): Insert foot firmly in mouth as needed. Though symptoms may appear only after a stupid, dumb, embarrassing, rude, offensive, or ditzy comment is made, it is typically better to insert foot BEFORE such a statement is made. However, using the foot afterwards does prevent additional humiliation. Adults may at times be thankful that they have two feet: if needed, both may be used.
--Children (under "not a kid anymore"): Usage not recommended since anything a child says is cute. However, a physician may be consulted. NOTE: Do not be alarmed if an infant inserts his/her foot/feet in mouth. It is beneficial to them to learn the practice at such a young age.
Repeat usage as needed not to exceed 24 hours per day, or as suggested by peers.
WARNINGS: Do not exceed recommended dosage. If difficulty in breathing occurs, face turns blue, or unconsciousness occurs, DISCONTINUE USE IMMEDIATELY. No other side effects are known. Usage is not recommended, however, in cases of Athlete's Foot (or any other fungus). Also, caution must be taken if wearing braces or any other dental appliance.
ACTIVE INGREDIENTS: Absolutely none. (Unless you include the size of the foot as compared to the size of the mouth.)
INACTIVE INGREDIENTS: Toes, heel, ball, skin, flesh, bone, and everything else that makes up a foot.
Store your foot at a comfortable temperature. For best results, wear sandals so that your feet are ready for use at all times.
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So now you know the truth. Spread the word, and the world will be a better place.
Sincerely,
Dr. Bea A. Futtooser
©Julie Ann Ledgerwood 1/2/98
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