how much
In the middle of the night
I'll think it's Love
Intoxicating feeling
two cheeks turned, nothing left
help me now.
the perfect poem
no pen was used to write the verse
LOUDER than thoughts
drown out the thoughts.
daddy's little girl died
daddy's little girl,
The Ones She Loved
Before she had even started school,
I want to
I want to run
Looking
A time ago, there once had been, when life seemed true to tune,
Don't Bother Reading This
Don't bother reading this
gibberish lies
I can remember when we would talk.
More Poetry...
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I am awake,
I cannot sleep.
Too many thoughts
and secrets I keep.
And they stir within me,
whining and churning,
growing louder and stronger --
a desperate yearning.
I want peace for a moment
to sort through some things,
but now greater and moreso
the wound, it now stings.
A single touch can heal me,
can ease each of my fears,
but I can't see the one
to dry all my tears.
So I'll settle for anyone
who can fool me a while.
I don't need to know
who's behind the smile.
If the pain's numbed, I don't care,
no, not anymore.
I simply want peace
like I had once before.
So dupe me with a single word,
fool me with a touch
I'll say that I love you --
You'll never know how much.
ŠJAL 6-9-98 1:23 am
Something so new
Tell me your secrets
Let me inside
Do you really love me?
Do I even care?
I don't understand this
I just want you here.
But if you'll just hold me
If you'll only hold me
If you'll only hold me
I will love you.
Last night I was lonely
Alone and afraid
I yearned for the prescence
That you freely gave
Promise me somedays
Entrust me with lies
Tell me you'll hear me
Grow numb to my cries
But if you'll still hold me
If you'll only hold me
If you'll only hold me
I will love you.
I need the protection
I find in your arms
I need the assurance
of holding your hand
I see that you'll hurt me
Again like before
But I'm too naive
And just ask for more
So go on, just humor me
And say that you care
I'll tell you my secrets
I'll let you inside
If you just hold me
If you just hold me
If you just touch my hand
I'll let you touch my heart
If you just hold me close
I'll let you change my world
If you'll simply hold me
I'll
Think
It's
Love.
ŠJAL 5-25-98 12:49 am
maybe you'd like to, but it's too late.
it's too late to even try.
maybe if you'd have opened your eyes
maybe if you'd have cared
I wouldn't be going through this.
it's all your fault, I hope you realize that.
I don't care anymore, though,
so don't bother with a second thought.
right now I really hate you.
I don't know if I will tomorrow,
but tomorrow doesn't matter.
all that matters, all that makes a difference,
is NOW.
but you still don't know that, do you.
shut up and leave me alone
you've done enough harm.
ŠJAL 12:02 am 5/15/98
no words will dull the rhyme
no one will ev'r recite the piece
no test but only time...
pure thoughts untarnished by explaination
true meaning sings freely in the creation
of sunsets
of dew
of rain
...
of you
ŠJAL 5:33pm 4/28/98
drown them in words.
...
pain
leads to
anger
leads to
rage
leads to
thoughts
lead to
ideas
lead to
pain
...
stop the thoughts
anger is enough,
i don't need the thoughts.
sing.
at the top of your voice.
stop thinking
just sing.
louder
there are still thoughts
those thoughts
those thoughts
drown them
louder!
louder!
you have to sing louder!
scream the words
ignore the tune
don't think
just sing
or scream
louder
louder louder
watch the tears fall
but don't think
do anything but think
it's easier to sing
than to think
you don't need to cry
don't look at those tears
no!
they'll make you think
just sing
and scream
but don't listen to the thoughts
don't listen
you came too close before
too close
too damn close.
well...
maybe you can cry...
just a little while...
as long as you promise...
that you won't
think.
ŠJAL 8:13 pm 4-27-98
she grew up,
got quite fed up,
then
she died.
daddy's little girl,
she was happy,
once.
daddy's little girl
used to smile,
used to laugh,
used to blow kisses into the wind,
used to hope that he'd catch them.
daddy's little girl,
she doesn't care,
not anymore.
daddy's little girl
she had promises made
she had faith in those words
she had hope in those dreams
she had a father
who failed to keep his word.
daddy's little girl
heard those words before--
"honey, I won't let you fall"
"pumpkin, you're beautiful"
"sweetie, I love you"
daddy's little girl
thought those words were true
afterall,
daddy told her so.
daddy's little girl
felt a little pain
when daddy forgot.
daddy's little girl
started to wish for rain
for rainbows were more steadfast
than daddy's words.
daddy's little girl
knew that daddy tried
but
daddy's little girl
wondered if daddy noticed
when
daddy's little girl
gave up
and died.
ŠJAL 7:46 pm 4-27-98
there was tow-headed Steven.
A forgotten photo in the back of her dresser drawer
is all that remains of their friendship
before her best friend moved away.
Little Georgie, the red-head,
he was her first love,
she thought,
of course,
she was only four at the time...
but age never meant anything to her.
After all,
he gave her an E.T. shrinky-dink...
Something happened,
and Bradley (or was it Brandon?)
took Georgie's place --
the little geode from his driveway
and the three or four legos
seemed to show a bit more commitment.
When she changed schools to start first grade
she changed the name of that person in her life:
Ben.
He was a twin,
and though he didn't give her anything more than the time of day,
her crush on him only ended when she moved
after fifth grade.
"Enough with boys,"
she thought.
And she followed through too...
until the end of 6th.
They had nothing in common,
he and she,
but somehow they managed
to play the charade well
on and off
from time to time
through their senior year.
She almost felt obligated
thanks to that little silver locket he gave her.
It was a heart.
It was hers.
It was empty too.
Then only God knows what happened.
There was someone.
She fell in love with him.
He didn't give her an E.T. Shrinky-dink,
a geode or legos,
or even a pretty locket.
His name wasn't Stephen, or Georgie,
What's-his-name, or Ben.
No...
To her, he was "Love"...
and he gave her his heart.
ŠJAL 4/2/98 11:07 p.m.
far away
from my troubles
to safety's comfort...
Run with me.
I want to hide
inside myself,
behind my words,
within my heart...
Hide with me.
I want to hear you listen,
I want to see you watch,
I want to be whole once again,
I want to feel your touch.
I want to melt
into your arms,
into your hands,
into your heart...
Hold me close.
I want to sing
a song of hope,
to the world,
in unwavering voice...
Sing with me.
I want to whisper
three little words
from my soul
into your ear...
Listen to me:
I Love You.
ŠJAL 4/2/98 10:24 p.m.
But now it seems apparently such time has gone too soon.
To dwell on past times, past songs, past days is not my wish
tonight.
Rather I want, I need, I hope to see ahead with clear mind and sight.
My heart aches for reasons I do not know and that I'll never see,
And try, I do, to ease the pain that has found a home in me.
Why can't I seem to lift this veil that forever hides my eyes?
Why can't I seem to clear my throat and end these pointless cries?
Another day has passed again and still more tears have fallen.
Another time I've looked behind and wished for past days again.
I fool myself despite the fact that I know well how I tease,
And though I warn myself each time, I dupe myself with ease.
Wipe clean the slate of memories written in white dust--
To look ahead -- I now know -- discard them, I must.
Until that time when I willn't look in the rearview mirror
I willn't know the truth in me or see the path before me clearer.
ŠJAL 9:32pm 2-23-98
I don't want to waste your time
don't listen to what I say
go on, commit the crime
pretend that you can hear me
I'll imagine that you care
give me a phony compliment
I won't tell, I swear
just see these words I write to you
but no, don't ever read them
for if you do, you'll break your vow
to never listen to me again
so if you're reading this, stop right now
I don't want to be the culprit
I don't want to be the one who duped
the other into the dark pit
so don't read this, STOP!
for you just might understand
and we cant have that, no never
that wouldn't go as planned
just tell me, now --or maybe not--
DO you care at all?
yes, you must, somewhere inside
but to tell me, you don't have the gall.
so if I've won, if you've read this
please just tell me so
but if I haven't, you've still lost,
just thought I'd let you know.
ŠJAL 11:38 pm 3/28/98
I could say something to you,
and you'd pretend to listen.
We played the game well.
We were convincing,
we even convinced ourselves.
we were acting,
putting on a show for the world
and forgetting that we were on stage.
we learnt our lines
we played our roles
we pretended to be more.
but now I can hear what we had said
I hear the gibberish
I hear the lies
I feel the chill of nothingness
that paralized my heart
when we touched,
when we held hands,
when we danced.
and now I know
just how much I lost when we said goodbye:
nothing,
absolutely nothing.
ŠJAL 9:07 pm 3/27/98
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