Sweet Preoccupation
tests to study for,
Biting My Tongue
Biting my tongue,
So close yet unseen, unheard, not to be felt.
Can you hear the voices calling out inside my head
At the beginning, there was the moon --
Stay with me til it starts,
Bitter and vile is the bile, the words that forthward spew.
Rod In Hand
Millions of other fish in the sea
Softly,
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papers to write,
art projects to complete,
letters to send out,
calls to make,
deadlines I have to meet.
But I can't,
don't you realize,
my self won't let me
And I can't,
do you understand?
but that's not a problem really...
Because I love this sweet preoccupation
this thing that lets me daydream
And I crave the feeling, near intoxication,
that comes from thinking of you.
©JAL 11/11/98 10:58 pm
Always biting my tongue
Shut up, Julie,
Don’t anger him.
Be quiet.
Don’t say that.
Why don’t I just fall off the face of the earth.
You don’t listen to me when I speak calmly
You feel judged and offended when I get frustrated.
So I bite my tongue.
I bite it until it bleeds,
And still I dare not open my mouth.
Such a horrid taste, warm and red;
The flavor lingers long after the incident,
A lasting, tormenting reminder
Of the frustration that caused me
To bite my tongue
©JAL 12/27/98 9:43 p.m.
Piercing silence stabs at the heart
Drawing a wellspring of tears.
Give me time, nothing else
I'll make it through despite you.
You think that I am empty, hollow, shallow --
You don't realize how much I feel.
And so I fade into the scenery.
I am unnoticed and not missed.
I'll fulfill your slimmest expectations.
Trust me.
Echoes of the past haunt me; I hear your voice.
Unhand my fate, my hopes, my dreams.
Please, learn to live without me.
For someday I may be gone...
Only then might I be understood.
©JAL 1/11/99 10:30 p.m.
“Though the darkness comes, it is morning now,” they said
And as I drank my warm iced tea, I simply asked them why
They never are around except when I want to cry.
No answer came from their constantly inconsistent noise
Nothing stopped the racket somehow planning each of their ploys.
They drone on in dead silence and feed on nothingness
Yet somehow there is comfort in their ever-harsh caress.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who sees the invisible man
And show me that there’s so much more to me than who I am.
I am afraid of things not here, of things that never were
But then, everyone is sometimes, on that you must concur.
©JAL 10:31 p.m. 1/17/99
Remember how it hid?
So elusive it seemed, though bright and full.
We would search the skies above
Trying to find it.
We had all the stars,
But we wanted the moon.
We found it one night,
Do you recall?
Then we laughed at the silly game
And at ourselves.
But we had the stars, the moon,
And each other --
Who could ask for more? I wondered.
But now I know,
Sometimes
The moon and its light
Are all we want or need.
©JAL 10:57 p.m. 1/17/99
Stay with me til the end.
Even with our broken hearts,
I still want you as my friend.
Trust in me for all of time;
I'll do the same for you.
For as long as stars shine,
To you I will be true.
Each step of the journey
Is a challenge of trust;
Though you're not with me,
Go on each day, I must.
But know that I miss you,
And I yearn for your touch.
What wouldn't I do
For you to love me as much.
©JAL 1/21/99 7:36 p.m.
A moment of pain once again finds it's way and finds you.
Forgive and forget each of those things
Yes, I do know how each word stings
Though, yes, they were true,
They weren't meant for you
And I regret that I sent them your way
Yes, I do pay for my crimes each day...
I sing a song that no one hears
and cry when no one dries my tears
And so at times I must admit
that I think I'll find comfort in it --
The pain that I do impose...
Why I do, only God knows.
So please forgive me and my ways.
I am naive and nearsighted
They're words to regret all of my days
or at least until they're righted.
©JAL 1/25/99 12:12 p.m.
If only I cared to catch one
Still I can't help but feel so lonely
Still I yearn for someone
In my nets, I have caught
Nothing, nothing but
Grief.
Yearning bites at the absence of bait.
Only I notice how taught the line now is.
Ugly as it is, I reel it in and accept it as my own.
©JAL 1:12 am 1/26/99
A seed falls to the ground from a plant above
And finds comfort in a bed of fertile soil,
Dark and rich and warm.
Slowly,
Roots emerge and spread in the ground,
Anchoring the young sprout,
Making it part of the earth.
Silently,
Spring showers of cool, refreshing rain
And the warmth of the sun above
Urge the blossom to awaken.
Cautiously,
With morning dew glistening on its petals,
The flower shares its beauty with the world
And smiles proudly.
Whistling
A lovebird's tune happily and smartly,
Someone sights the wild spring child
And quickly snaps the stem of the flower.
Hastily,
He runs off seeking to find his belle
To give the girl a fine bouquet
Of bright wild flowers.
Eagerly,
The girl accepts the young man's gift
But she cannot see beyond the weeds,
The uncultivated, free-spirited blossoms.
Unknowingly,
The girl takes the flowers and his love
Without consideration of the meaning
Of self-sacrifice and hope.
Sadly,
The once bright blossoms soon wilt
As the once true love soon fades.
Both are somehow forgotten.
©JAL 1:50 am 1/27/99
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