Hmmm....how shall we get started......sorry guys, life just sucks. You ever have one of those days, when that alarm goes off, and you unconciously move that weary arm of yours to turn it off, that you feel "today" will be a bad day. I mean, it just hits you, and all you wanna do is curl up in a fetal position under your big covers. As an avid fan of the X-files i BELIEVE there is extraterrestial life forms out there. Mocking us. You see i don’t understand how you will know it is a bad day, unless it was planned to be? The alien people out there plan out everyone’s lives. For fun they start to converse, and say "let’s mess someone up today" yeah...that’s what they do. well now that you have learned the fundamental aspects of BAD days, BAD lives, BAD aliens...we can continue.

TIP #1:

Walking. If you ever happen to want to visit the mighty Big Apple, horn of the plenty pigeoons, and pee people, you need to know a couple of things. First off you gotta know how to walk fast. Average speeds are about 30 mph, but they can get PrEEty high. To do so, you need to shove. Elbows are good, arms are better. But fingers, uh uh. They can easily be grabbed and broken.

TIP #2:

Mighty, mighty fingers. When we were all born, we were born complete with ten fingers. Use ‘em. We have your traditional "ring" finger, for those who like to get married. The pinky finger are for those in touch with the "cloggings" of the nose, and the discarding of them. The thumb is for hitching up a ride, or a good game of thumb wrestling. Now the middle finger, that’s something too universal. I would suggest using it on the highway, or when you are sure you have a good way of moving- fast. But lastly, we have the index finger, more formally known as what it’s called. Why? Why? i am asking why, we leave out the most important part of our hand? I don’t know why, so i will have to ask that you not ask me that particular question in the near future.

TIP #3:

Taxi’s that wanna gun you down. One piece of advice- middle finger. Yeahhhh baby. Ya wanna piece of me...huh...HUH!

TIP #4:

Smelly pee people. This syndrom is very common amongst those who live in NYC, and like to bathe in urinals or toilets. Or just happen to fall and slip in a pee-puddle in some corner. The worst cases are those when one smells like rotting fruit, and month old urine. There is no known cure yet. But i am happy to tell you that the government has not decided to bring up funding for this...... It would be inappropriate of me to not give you some advice on this matter. You may carry along a can of lysol, or anything of that preference, i’m sure everyone would be happy. Or you can choose to breathe through your mouth. Hey- would you rather smell it? I didn’t think so.

TIP #5:

ZITS and other cruel facial destructions. Zits are the mother of all motherly cruelties the world has yet to offer, except maybe for smelly pee people. But that’s besides the point. I have heard of such remedies as ice cubes, toothpaste, steam, bananas(hehe), comet, just to name a few. People. People. People. We were not set on this earth to treat our faces like the common toilet bowl. Honey, all i have to say is get yourself a colorful bandaid and a year’s supply of Oxy.

TIP #6:

Bitchy people. Hail the all powerful middle finger. Nah...kidding. Well for people who need to be donkeys to you, I suggest not blowing up. Blowing up is so not good. I give you permission to have a little argument, making sure YOU are the soft-spoken, yet firm speaker. It won’t do any good proving to the donkey your frustrations. You have to frustrate the donkey. Make a little game out of it. Make it as if it’s NOT one of your biggest problems, or concern. And it really shouldn’t be. Then later on, if you can’t seem to follow my advice you can take that "person" to a far-a-way alley and beat the crap out of 'em.......ah....KIDDING! geez.