Usenet Dissection

>
>                             Bio - Tech
>                       THE ROLE PLAYING GAME

YES, you too can work for a firm whose purpose is to develop little self -
replicating beasties that produce money as a by - product!

>BIO - TECH
>Time: 3025

If I looked at my watch and saw that, I'd smash it and get a new one.
(Hey, just a $10 LCD.)

Then again, the way to get the time under Unix is by typing 'date'.
Go figure.

>Location: 3rd dimension, Earth

OOOH! Located in the 3rd dimension!

I've got a nice flat mouse pad here. You know where it's located? 
At some range of locations in ALL FOUR DIMENSIONS! Wow! This is some
high - tech mouse pad. of course I can say exactly the same thing about
my pocket lint.

Now, if you can *change your position* in an unusual manner in the 4th
dimension and / or above, that's another matter. Hey, but remember,
this is the amazing year *3025* when things exist in the 3rd dimension.
Like my chair.

> 
>You are a member of a very distinct startfleet known as the Galactic
>Federation. 

"JOIN STARFLEET: WE'RE DISTINCT! All those others are vague and lumpy,
sort of amalgamated. But WE'RE in the 3RD DIMENSION!"

Don't think this would convince me to go get my ass shot at in a
tin can. 

"And I'm sitting in a tin can, being shot at by an alien world..."

>Your mission, explore space in hopes of expanding, 
>charting space, and meeting other lifeforms.  That has all changed now,
>and you are also fighting for your life and for the life of the entire
>human species agianst an enemy so powerful, the greatest minds in the
>Federation never thought could exist. 

Can God make a rock so big he can't move it?

YES - in the 3RD DIMENSION in BIO - TECH! New from Ronco!

>They are known as the Yanchunii,
>and they have sent their elite battle fleet called they Bio - Trons 

"SURRENDER IN THE FACE OF OUR SUPERIOR SPECIAL EFFECTS! True, there's
no plot and Walt would have been scandalized, but the video game
version will be pretty good! Well, at least 'Disks of Tron' will be
pretty good."

>to come and assimilate the universe's cultures. You must retrieve the 
>almost extinct human race and attempt to destroy this enemy before they
>assimilate... everything.

WE ARE BORG! RESISTANCE IS FUTILE! Prepare to have ANY ORIGINALITY IN
YOUR SCENARIO ASSIMILATED! Soon ALL role - playing games will feature
intergalactic assimilators! NYAAH NYAAH NYAAH!

>Bio - Tech: The Role Playing Game has many great features to its fully
>developed stucture.  The main handbook contains:
> 
>       o Over 190 pages

"This page intentionally contains a blurry photocopy of an illicit photo
of Rosanne Arnold's honeymoon suite."

- Pages 50 - 190 inclusive

>       o Over 50 detailed illustrations
>       o Valuable charts for quick-find info
>       o Fully explained instructions designed for the beginner,
>         but challenging enough for the expert

Hey, these instructions are in English simple enough for 12 - year - olds
but leave out enough vital information to be challenging enough for
the EXPERT!

>       o a 17 page adventure
>       o Federation startships stats
>       o Sections describing Command Functions and starship facilities

"To flush toilet in zero gravity, first be sure airlock is closed..."

>       o Galactic Federation regulations

"Prime Directive: Always Drink Your Ovaltine."

>       o a regular and combat glossary

The new combat glossary: hardened for use in the field, pages guaranteed
to 30,000 feet. Only $10,000. Somebody tell the Pentagon.

>       o a Bio-Tech timeline

-3000 BC: Egyptians Construct Thebes
1000  AD: Leif Erickson discovers America
1992  AD: College student falls asleep watching "ST: TNG", wakes up
          with fully fleshed - out implementation of Enterprise in
          modeling clay with working hyperdrive crystallized in mind,
          is distracted by homework, winds up inventing "BIOTECH" instead

>       o over 120 character skills

"RESPONSIBILITY"
"SENSE OF SECURITY"
"SENSE OF HUMOR"
"FAMILY VALUES"
"CAMPING"
...

>       o a variety of weapons and equipment

"Iron spikes??? What the hell am I going to do with iron spikes?"

"You have 10 gold pieces left, may as well spend them on *something.*"

- On first reading "Basic D&D Handbook"

>       o a variety of starships and other vehicles
>       o The game has been fully test played
> ...
>                                  CFN: AR354@CLEVELAND.FREENET.EDU
>                                  YFN: NOT THE ABOVE :) OF COURSE.

CFN: Castoffs of the Freakin' Network
YFN: Yawner Followup to News

-T

testy this morning


-- 
Tom Boutell, boutell@cshl.org

Clausthaler is the best non - alcoholic beer in the known universe.