Washington, May 1st -
NiT has recently roped in a world player to market its software
training business - reputed to be the best in the world. The person
selected started as a trainee in the White House and then rose to
dizzying heights of fame and stardom. She has been paid $1 billion for
the next 5 years to project and dissemenate NiTs "Superior Educational
eXperience".

In an interview with Nit Times Mr Power stated very proudly "Now she'll
be blowing our (NiT's) trumpet".

Calcutta, May 2nd -
 In another related news-breaking release, Mr Shib Nodder stated that
NiT will not be tying up with Maruti as earlier disclosed. We have
found a company with a far larger Indian presence, Rajnigandha. NiT
authorized centres all across the country will be selling Ghutka / Pan
Masala, while your neighborhood Pan Centres will provide software
training for astonishingly low prices. This is also an example of our
commitment to the revolutionary job rotation idea - faculty will get
Sales experience and the panwallahs will get to teach computers.

Redmond, May 2nd -
Microsoft has just announced that it is infusing $500 billion into the
global training leader, NiT. Nit will henceforth exclusively provide
training in Microsoft products. Java courses will be stopped. The NiT
courseware section on History of Computers will now contain only the
history of Micorsoft, references to Babbage will be replaced with Gates,
the first OS will henceforth be Windows 3.11. The entire section on
mainframes, Unix and C stands erased.
In a paralled tie up with Merriam Webster, Microsoft spent $5 billion
dollars to have the word Portability erased from the English vocabulary.
Usage of words like Portability, Scalability and Stability are now
considered heretical and obscene, and will result in expulsion from job,
course etc, as applicable. The members of the ANSI standards committee
are being tried for acts of repression under the Geneva Convention,
Judge Gates declared.
 

In a historic judgement, the Microsoft Software Standards Committee has
ruled that ALL software written on Earth will start with the following
lines:
#include <windows.h>
#include <mfc.h>
#include <billrules.h>
static final  int I_LOVE_BILL = true;

Steve Jobs and  Scott McNealy were understandably infuriated by this
ruling as this will mean a 100 year setback for Apple and Sun, but
issued orders for immediate compliance to prevent any reprisals from
NATO/Clinton Administration.

May 10th, 1999:
Microsoft users complaining of a software crash will now be tried for
negligent usage. Argued Bill Gates, Windows NT was essentially built as
a single-user desktop OS for working mothers and housewives, although
theoretically it can multi-task upto 2 processes at a time for very
short periods. This essentially meant that the machine was expected to
be switched on around 10 am, and switched off during tea break at 11,
lunch break at 1pm, coffee break at 3, and finally shut off when the
kids come home. There would also be periods of inactivity during
telephone calls.
However, some geeks from the Unix world have tried using it to run 2
simultaneous processes like viewing a text file and background printing
it at the same time. Mac Users have also used it to edit images of 50MB
or more, whereas a practical and reasonable limit should be around 50KB.
With such widespread misuse it is not unusual that the software should
malfunction, much like driving a car off a cliff and expecting it not to
be damaged.

May 11th, 1999:
Microsoft President Bill Gates announced that Windows 2000 will be the
OS of the millenium , the OS that will beat Unix and Mac right off the
planet. Its major enhancement and feature is that the exploding popups
and menus (that were the only feature of Windows 98) will be replaced
with some very cool and jazzy swirling popups/menus. You have to see it
to believe it, he said excitedly.  2000 is not to much slower than '98,
you will ofcourse need the P4 or P5 to run it, with SRAM (not DRAM or
SDRAM).