09.22.99
I keep having nightmares. For a while they stopped, but they are back again. I don’t know what my subconscious is trying to tell me. I keep having dreams about dying. A while ago, it was me and Dad, driving off a cliff. Three thoughts rang out. I told my Dad that I loved him, I said that stupid children’s prayer, the only one I know, because I don’t believe in all that stuff..... and that if I died, that I would never see Him again. I woke up, crying, and could not fall asleep for hours after I woke up.
Then a few nights ago, I dreamt that * M* attacked me. I dreamt that he raped me! I mean... he is one of my closest friends. How could I possibly even think of something like that? Why are my thoughts heading in such angry, hurtful directions?
Then.. last night, I had another dream about a car crash. I keep having them, and then Mum wonders why I don’t want to get my driver’s license. Well.. I have not told her about the nightmares really. The few times I have, she has made fun of me, so I just stopped. Last night, it was another crash with Dad. He was driving, and I was asking him a question. I asked if he was balling around. In my dream, he just looked over at me, said that he loved me, and Mum, and then pulled the wheel and drove into oncoming traffic. In my dream, he died, and I was in the hospital. I dreamt that John came all the way, after finding out, held my hand as I lay in a coma... and then... I dreamt that I recovered... that I woke up from the coma.... I dreamt that His face was the first thing I saw.... and then once I was better, that He stayed with me.
I doubt He would really care half that much in real life. But, at least in my dreams John still loves me.

09.23.99
The days are easier. In the days, I can put on a smile, and try to be friendly, and chipper, and reasonably happy. Evenings are a little tougher, because then more people as how I am. It is the nights that are hard. It is those hours that I lay in bed, begging for sleep to come, when there is nothing else to do but think. No other distraction to keep me from thinking, and crying, and feeling that ache inside my chest that makes me think that I am going to die.
Last night, I went to bed at 1:30 am, I was actually tired at that hour, not to mention feeling incredibly ill. I read, until about 2, then turned out the lights, and tried to sleep. It is the darkness... the silence.... the loneliness. All I can do is think... and I think of the past, of wonderful things. And it makes me cry, sob, bury my face in my pillow until it is soaked. I can feel the pinch, between my eyebrows, as my face contorts with my tears. Even crying into my pillow reminds me of John. I wrap my arms around it, and cry into the fabric, and all I can think about, is what would comfort me. All I want is to cry with someone’s arms around me. Someone who loves me, someone that I love, and can trust. But it’s just a pillow, and I get no comfort.
So I lay in my bed, thinking, wishing I could just sleep, thinking of all the things I will never have again, never do again. I lay there until 6:30... hearing mum get out of bed. I sit up, because I can’t get comfortable, and I sit in my window, looking out at the stars. All I can think of, is that right now He is up, and heading to school. That right now He is moving on, and I just keep staring up at the stars.

10.06.99
Last night... I was having a good night. It was fun online... I got some sewing done, and I think that the top looks good on me... It was a good night. Then I went to bed.... turned on the alarm radio, and was snuggling in, hoping for sleep to come soon...... and what came on? a song released what? 2 years ago? something like that... I remember it was the spring... not of this year.. but of the one past.. so a year and a half. "iris". by the Goo Goo Dolls. Not the most brilliant song, but gawd.... I was crying.. whispering along with the words. I don’t know why a top 40 station is playing something so old... but oh wow. I remember sitting in the car, on the way to the airport this summer... leaving Him.... both of us not able to look at one another, me looking out my window, Him looking out His. Our fingers intermingling, both of us whispering the words. I was crying then too. Crying because I loved Him so so so much, and knew that this would be the last time I would see Him, until Christmas. I remember His mum, in the front seat, singing loudly to the song as well. I don’t know how she knew it, maybe He played it a lot? Darn it all! I thought this would be passing!!!...

10.17.99
I was cleaning out my room today... not that it was a sty.. just fiddling with some papers...unpacking a box of sweaters... (from the move in the spring.. yeah.. I know.. I am bad... but I didn't need them till now...) and I cam across a pile of letters.. print outs from my mail. Ok... 3 of them were pretty meaningless.. poems that someone I used to know sent me.. someone I have not spoken to in a VERY long time, but the rest were important.
The other letters.. 5 of them.. and yes.. only 5... I have the rest saved.. but 5 of them I used to keep by my bed, back at school, and would read them, once I was curled up in bed, but could not sleep. I wish I was back there still a lot of the time... then.. I had something to live for... something to look forward to.. something to do with my live.. my sad sorry excuse for a life. They were letters from John.... one.. was a print out.. of the chat we had.. when he asked me to marry him..... I copied that, and mailed it to myself.. because I knew that I would want a record of that for ever and ever..... and then I printed it out too. I don’t know how many times I read that, and re-read that... anyways.. I found this handful of letters.... and I don't know why.. I must have self destructive tendencies or something, because I new it would make me upset.. but I had to read them anyways.... I sat down on my bed, pulled up all my blankets and pillows, so I had a little fortress around myself, and sat up in my window, like I most often do when I am upset.
And then I read. I had music playing, a candle lit, my door closed, and I read. And I cried. I wish that no one else had been home, because I had to bury my face in my pillow, so that they would not hear me sob.
I don’t even know why this all happened. All I know, is that the one thing that made sense in my life, the one thing that I could count on.... the one thing that I actually BELIEVED in.... looks like it was a huge lie.

11.08.99
Well, things are ok today. Seems that my life is divided between days that are mostly good, and days that are almost completely bad. I keep wanting to talk to this one person on line, that is really depressed. I don’t know how to deal with him though at the same time, because I don’t know how to “fix” what he needs. Or.. rather.. I do think I know what would help, it is just that I can’t really do that. I don't know. Probably makes little sense. I guess I always want to “fix” things. Which is really a silly thing, since I never want anyone to “fix” me.... so why should I butt into other people’s lives? I do it all the time though. Always trying to make people happy.. trying to fill something in them, when I feel so empty so much of the time.
The thing is, as much as I want to help this guy, at the same time, I don’t know if I really should be talking to him. I mean, I think that he has actually tried to kill himself, but didn’t go through with it. He said that he is no good for me, because he is just so depressed, that he will bring me down. I don’t know. One part of me says that that is a joke, that I don’t have to absorb people’s emotions, that I can be a shoulder, without taking the burden myself.... and the other part of me is a wimp, and is scared, that maybe he is right. Maybe, if I talk to him that much, I will get even more depressed. Maybe do what he didn’t succeed in doing.

12.09.99
I had this really odd dream last night, where I was in a mall, in a town I didn't know, with John, and what I thought was his younger sister (course, irl, he is an only child, so who knows where that comes from)... and we were trying to get out.. but we could not. I don't know why. I think there was a fire or something, but I don't remember being afraid of fire. Then, we were in an area, and these snakes, and lizards, and frogs and things kept jumping out at us. They never did attack us, but they were scaring us none the less. Then, somehow, I guess the three of us must have gotten seperated, and I found a door, and past it, was the hallway of a high school. I walked in, and I supposed the fire followed me, for the hall was being evacuated, out onto the lawn. I ended up with this boy.... and we were talking..... and I laid my head on his shoulder.... and he said something about only being 18... and I said... that was ok.. because my last boyfriend was only 17.

What a mondo bizzaro dream. Hmmmm... I really hate analysing them, though that is often what happens when I write them down. Of course.. I am still fighting with John. And it still makes me cry... I cry over this almost dayly. Nothing I say gets through to him,... and when he says one nice thing.. it is surrounded by so many cruel, hurtful things, that I cant possibly enjoy the nice ones.... Even when i try to be nice, be sweet, be the soft shoulder that he first fell in love with... he just spews crap at me. It scares me... not that he could be so cruel.... but that I still love him even though he is.

12.27.99
ok... here is another installment on the wierd dream scene..... I am back at ~his~ house... and his mum is being super nice... the layout of the house looks more like my house though.. a lil more room. Either way, I dont know why it is that I am there, because it is obvious that he hates me, and does not really have any time to talk to me, or the like. So... I get up one morning, and pull on this big black sweater... then stockings (ick btw), and then this really short black skirt i have. (why is it that i noticed my clothes?.. though.. i have to admit... with a pair of tall black leather boots..... ok.. I am rambling.. lol) Anyways... obviously I was dressing to impress him. I go out into the living room.. and I think I was on the couch with his mum... and watching a movie or something, and he comes over.. .and gives me this deeeeeep LONG kiss. Pretty odd.. seeing as he hates me.... the weirder thing........ it was an AWFUL kiss.. it was like he was trying to gag me with his tongue. Just horrid... and I kept trying to pull away... and all I could think of.. is that line.. from Cruel Intentions.. that Sarah Michelle Geller says: "Now put your tongue in my mouth and massage my tongue with your tongue!" LOL...
hm, thing that this means that I can put a lil levity to heartbreak? if only I could think that way... "They are only toys, Bastien....."

01.27.00
It seems like every day is a conscious effort, a struggle, not to slice my wrists open.. let the blood pour out of me.. spurt out of me would be a better analogy, because i think it would do that. Spurt out in steady rhythmic gushes. He says i have lost my fighting spirit, because i think of killing myself... he does not see that the fight still plays on.. but it is no longer a fight for us.. but a fight just to find something to live for. I don’t know. Every day seems to have a colour to it... I used to have red days... blue days.. now all i see is black or white.. live or die. I wonder how much more of it i can take. I don’t even know how to feel anymore. I feel that i NEED someone.. something to love.. someone to talk to, about not just the BLODDY PAST.. but about the future. So here sits this new person... and i try.. and i try.. and i do care for him, but when i try to love him, all i feel is this enormous guilt.... this sense that i am betraying not only him, but my own heart as well. How can i possibly attempt to love someone else... when i swore.... that i would love only him? And.. more so.. how can i attempt to love another, when i still love him??? How does that make any sense??? I have not known him as the man i loved in MONTHS!!! Bloody months spent crying, because this is over... and i still love Him. How dare i? how dare i still be brought to the point of tears, day after day, and still say that i want him? need him? love him? How can i do this to myself, knowing that he does not want me.. knowing that he does not trust in my words, my heart, my feelings.. and does not want much of anything to do with me, and yet... i still mourn him. I still mourn the relationship. It lasted a year.. A YEAR!!!! when i think of people that have gotten divorces, or been widowed.. after 5-10-15-20... years, I wonder how these people can even FUNCTION! How these people can even gain some sense of life after experiencing these things. And.. then i feel further guilt... that i am almost trivializing their pain.. with my own. How dare i think that what i lost was such a big deal.. as to give up on life over? How dare i? It is not like it was my first loss of a significant relationship.. when i lost Sarah, my best friend.. i know i was upset.. i think i cried a few nights over it as well. I know that even years later, i looked back, and felt that sense of regret.. wondered what became of her, thought about how things might have gone differently...... but.. 6 months after it happened, i was not still crying for the loss of her!. Today, in class, i got to thinking.. and could have cried right there!!!!! That is not me! I don’t do that! I don’t “act emotional” in public... Dad taught me better than that. (as much as i hate him for the comments to “stop acting so emotional”). And more so.. 9 times out of 10, when someone asks, what is wrong, i say “nothing”.. or just that i don’t want to talk about it. Because i DONT. I don’t want to be some bother to someone, by whining on their shoulder. So.. instead.. when i have all these thoughts inside me.. when things are just tearing at me. instead.. i write. I used to keep a diary.. but it comes to the point, then I am this upset, that i can not even write anymore, and i think that i can type faster than i can write (legibly) anyways.

So that brings me to my next point... WHO ARE YOU? Why do you feel the need/ urge/ desire to read these things, about (presumably) someone you have never met? and why do i write such things in such a public manner? Or.. does anyone other than me ever even read these ramblings? These “freewriting exercises” as my English professor would call them.... Why is it that i feel that i have something to say? or is this just a diary still, and while knowing that there is this anonymity, i can ramble on. Maybe, i know that no one will ever read these things... and therefore i can have my catharsis, and think i am being all brave and bold and all this other stuff that a good writer is supposed to do. While, really, i am all cozy in my little shell that no one will ever be interested enough in to investigate.

I just keep thinking that i want to den this... that i just want to get the damn thing over with, so i will stop being such a bother to people. I hate the fact, that i have made such miniscule impact on the world.. that there is not a soul that will mourn me if i do it.. the way that I mourn the loss of John.. that i mourn the loss of this relationship.. Maybe i am actually crazy.. maybe i always have been, or maybe i have just actually driven myself to that point. I don’t know. I hate all that self – analysis stuff, because i always come out of it feeling worse than when i went in. I get to the point where i am just wearing a mask for day to day life anyways... it is not really living.. “ how are you?” - “ fine.” When, in reality.. i am the farthest thing from fine. “I am on the verge of killing myself, and You?” Would that be the answer someone wants to hear.. i think not. “Oh.. i am alright.. except for this annoying thing that i have forgotten something... what was it again... oh yeah.. who i am.”

GAWD DAMNIT!!!! he just shakes his head.. that is all he ever does.. just shakes his head. It is a non-verbal “whatever”. A brush off. That is all it is... just a brush off of whatever i have said. I try so hard to make him see.. but he wont i don’t know if he even cane. And.. this is what i am in love with.. this is what i cant see myself living without???? this socially maladjusted creature, that can not even give me a moment of thought? Can not even bother to read what i write, before giving me this brush off? This is what i am crying over????

What would be easier.. pills to numb me to reality, and therefor the pain.. and then a blade, or just a lot of pills?

02.14.00
Happy fucked up Valentines Day....
Gee. I am such a cheery sort, ain't I? Cus all I can ever think about is John. And I know that is tottally unfair to Jesse, cus he thinks that he loves me, and some of the time I even love him too, but then comes that horrible moment, when no matter how sweet he is, or how nice, or whatever kind things he does for me, I realize that he is not John. And all I want is John.
It is pathetic. I know. You don't have to tell me what a moron I am. I mean, what am I, some sort of obsessive fruitcake? Jesse sent me a birthday and Valentines thing.. and all that I can think now, is that John never made that sort of effort. That should make me love Jesse more, right? That should convince me of how John never really understood my needs, what I wanted from him, that he never bothered to take an interest in my life like Jesse does... right? That is what I SHOULD think. But no. Instead I just think about John, and how much I miss him, and how worthless I feel, that he never bothered to send me a card for my birthday, or Valentines day, or Christmas, or anything.
I remember, last year, he said he was going to send me a Valentines day card.... or maybe it was for my birthday in January. I remember telling my landlady to look out for it for me, I remember checking the mailbox all the time, asking about the mail.. had anything come for me? I waited for that FUCKING STUPID bloody peice of paper until APRIL!!!!.. All those months, hoping that that one silly little thing that meant so much to me, would mean something to him too. Hoping that he would keep his word. I didn't care what the card said, so much as he would take the time to write to me. Just take the bloody time. I mean, of course I would read it, look at the picture on the card, touch the ink on the outside of the envelope, tracing the way he wrote my name in the adress section, but that was not the big part. The big part would be that he would think to write me. To think of me. To take a moment out of his life, and devote it to me. Something to make me happy.. yes.. but more so, something just for me. **shakes head** He never had the time I guess. But I waited for that card till April....
And.. then.. Jesse tells me he wants to send something else for Val. day. And I tell him not to. I don't know why. I know it is silly. Here this is what I should want! Someone to pay that much attention to wanting to make me happy.. someone who cares so much that they want to show it. Maybe it comes down to I know that is exactly what he is doing... making a concious effort to MAKE me see that he cares about me... and it feels like a lie. Who knows. Or maybe I don't want him to send me anything, because I don't want to feel endebted to him, more than I already do, because I know that I don't feel for him the way he wants me to feel. Or maybe I just don't want him to be kind and sweet, cus it reminds me of what John isn't. (not that John was not kind and sweet,.. it is just now he isn't.)
John acts as if he hates me, as if all I do is cause him pain. And all I want to do is find him, and cry on his shouler, and feel his arms around me, brushing the hair from my tear stained face, and have him say that he loves me, and that things will be ok.
I hate the life I see myself having. I hate that I know I will finally get so tired of waiting for John, that I will just throw myself into some life that never thrills me. I know that I am already on the road. Nothing excites me anymore. I don't get any sence of worth or purpose, in anything I do. It is a struggle to have to come here, and write these things down, cus what is the fucking point anyways? I hate that I will probably marry someone that I never really love, but I will tell myself, that because he is nice to me, and my mother likes him, and he has a nice job.. that that makes him "right".. and who in the hell am I to turn that down. I hate that I will marry him, and slap on this damn mask that is omnipresent, and pretend to be happy. I hate that I will probably have his child, and every time I look at that little face, I will feel the guilt, knowing that he has the wrong father. I hate the fact that I will try to love that child, and on some level I will, but never as much as I want to. And I hate that I will probably realize that I don't love that kid as much as I should, but that down somewhere deep.. that little heart will know that there is something inherintly WRONG with them, because their parents don't have that kind of love that I want....
Even worse.. I hate the fact that I would rather have that sham of a life, than be alone. How little am I? How shallow and superficial am I because of that?
Then again, maybe that nice young man will read that, and know who he is.. and decide not to bother, and I won't have to worry.
or maybe tonight I will just sucumb to all the words I tell myself, that i am not good enough, pure enough, desireable enough, strong enough, smart enough, rich enough, pretty enough,....... and just to slash my wrists and get it over with.
At least then I would stop missing him. At least then I would never dishonour him again.

04.05.00
So, April 5th, and i am still here. On the 14th of Feb. I tried. I tried to kill myself. Stupid me though, didn't take enough pills, so just got sick. No one here knows about it. I got sick in the night, then just ended up sleeping, and missing that day's classes. shrugs.
Last night i wanted to try again too. I just get this overwhelming feeling of hopelessness. I just know that there is no one out there that honestly wants me. No one out there that will. Jesse says that he loves me... but then says that it is ok if I see other people up here. In other words he is seeing other people, or at least would like to. So, he cares, but not that kind of love that will last. It's just someway to kill time until something better comes along.
The wierd thing, is that I was crying so so so much last night, my eyes are even red right now, but I thought of John. I was curled up in my window, because my pillow was soaked, and I was just staring up into the night sky, up to try to see the stars from the city, which is not that easy. I was thinking of that song.. from "an american tail".. old cartoon movie that I saw when I was a kid

04.13.00
Ok.. role play. I do it, and i do it a lot. First it was the Vampire thing, and i did that for a long time.... I would like to think i did it well. The whole vampire thing sort of took over my life. Not in a bad way, and not in any way that i had not known before... it was just a natural progression, and i had always been facinated before. So.. ok.. a lot of the ghoul and other things, i neither care for or are knowledgeable about, but i recognize the different playing styles.... Ricean (based on the books of Anne Rice), Draculan (based on Dracula.. though mostly the movie i think.. LOL), Vampire:The Masquarade... which along with Vampire:The Dark Ages, and others is based on the books published by White wolf. I also recognize other forms like D&D and what not. That is the fun of Free form i think, blending all of your favorites, and creating characters that are unique to your situation.
But like I said... it sort of took over my life. The person that i knew would always be there.... even if i could not talk to him about everything was from that world.... The man i fell in love with was from that world.... it seemed that everyone i talked to on line was from that area.......
and then John left me....... and i stopped being interested in all of that.... Not that I lost interest.. I think that just trying to push for that.. when it seemed to be all falling apart around me... just was too much. So, i moved on. I went to the adult rooms, mainly the dark ages castles. Again, i had always loved the role play, and the dark ages seem facinating to me.... but here was a new twist, the whole concept of D/s (Domination and submission). I have no clue why i was drawn to it, or why i seemed to find myself in it. Perhaps it is the part of me that loves to write.. who loves to paint that visual picture.... as a submissive in the castles... i was able to paint like that, create something out of nothingness. Besides, it is just role play.....
From there, i moved on to the BDSM rooms, in the same adult chat sites. Good lord.. hope mum never reads this.. LOL! Either way, same thing, i found something there, though not really what i was looking for. I still go on occation, but knew that i prefered to take on that role.. to be something that i just cant seem to be in real life. Is that what this contraption is for perhaps? To explore? Discover? Not just investigate the world, and other people, but to uncover something about ourselves..... then maybe the hard part is just letting that new discovery out into the world, trying not to overprotect it....
Either way, I moved on. Keep in mind.. i still have not left the vampire things behind... and i have not left the castles behind by any means.. (seeing as i am the co-admin of both a vampire website and a castle site and room)... But... I moved on. I moved to Gor.
Every day that i "play" on Gor.. it is a struggle though. I can not find what i am looking for. Maybe i just want too much too soon. Maybe i just want that instant satisfaction that i could MAKE for myself elsewhere, that i can not seem to make here, due to the nature of the play. There are, of course, some people that would shun me, for calling Gor Role Play. Some people call themselves "lifestylers".. and just like in BDSM, carry out what they do in the Gorean chat rooms, into their real lives. The way they think, act, talk, relate to other people. I am still not sure what i think about these people. I know that roleplayers tend to think that lifestylers are too strict.. and lifestylers tend to think that role players are just "players"... people that only come for the theme, and not because they have the honour or stamina, or what not, to really LIVE GOR.
I don't know. I don't want to make any judgements about people, cus i dont want them judging me... and honestly.. I don't want my own things to come back and bite me in the ass later.. LOL. i wonder what part of all of this i am drawn to. i know that sexually i prefer to be submissive. i also know that i would LOVE it.. if someone who was intellegent, well rounded, open minded...etc...someone i RESPECTED... was able to make some of the decisions in my life for/with me. The thing is.. i don't respect a lot of people. I know i have a huge chip on my shoulder when it comes to intelligence, and some stupid shit inside my head... says that not a lot of people are as educated/smart/whateva as me. (now isn't that a brilliant sentance to illustrate my superiority.. LOL?) I just find that a lot of these so called "Masters"... are just young -middle aged men, with menial jobs, little post secondary education if any, who just like to have some control.
I can not blame them for wanting control. I look at some of the things in the world, and honestly feel sorry for men. I don't deny the white patriarchy by any means... but personally i think that if i had to understand a woman.. my brain would explode. We are so damn demanding. A man has to know when to open the car door.... and when not to. He has to know to open the door at a resturant.. but not in hallway. And, he has to know that all of one girls rules.. will be slightly different from his previous girlfriend's. I don't blame these guys at all for wanting to regain a little of the control. To want to say "do this".. "be like this".. to the subs on Gor.. or whereever... I can't blame them all, because I still go there, and want it. Annoying thing, is I rarely get it. It seems near impossible to find a Master with just the right mix. They either are crude.... (and i stay away).. or they treat my "character" like she is some fragile flower. One is not what i am looking for.. the other.. well.. not only is not what i am looking for, but is also in my regard... UnGorean. Liked i should really talk about what Gor is.. and isnt though.. right? LOL.
I was just reading this thing on silk and steel...How to Be a Gorean Master... esentially it was a girl(?)'s viewpoint (essay), on another girl's RE-posting of another girls veiwpoint on how to be a good Master.. or .. what a slave looks for in her perfect Master. So, i was reading the first part... on that a girl seeks a Master who will love, nurture, treasure, and respect a girl's ~gift~ of submission. Then i read the responce. I am not sure if the first was meant from a Gorean perspective.. or a D/s one. Certainly there are similarities between D/s and Gor.. but they are not the same. The responce pretty much bashes the initial writing, in my opinion.. unjustly.. if it was not meant as a lifestyle/real time Gorean lesson.
It just basically struck me, that appart from a few of the things, the initial essay is what i am looking for. Nurturing.. guidence.. respect even. I don't know. I don't know what i am looking for. Only that i cant find it.

05.28.00
why is it that my mouth is so shy, when my words are not? How come I can write my feelings down in poetic strands of cursive, or type for hours on the notion, but when faced with having to speak them, to whom they effect, the words are trapped in the swelling rush of nonsense that seems to make up my mind?

How come when I write, I can figure out all that is in my head, all the thoughts begging to be expressed, but when asked on these same thoughts, they are blocked with the words "I just don't know right now."

Am I still just hurting? am I still just obsessing? How in the world can I be sure of my feelings? how can I trust my heart? the whole idea seems laughable, when my heart seems to lie to me. Telling me things that I don't understand "stumbling through like a child in the darkness".... making me feel one way for half an hour a day, and the opposite for many more hours that same day.

And how can I trust my words, when rehearsed phrases seem like the norm, even if I struggle to press them through, knowing they no longer apply. What a horrible thing, when "love" becomes a word not even thought about, for it was said before in honesty, and is now not the case. How can words be so thick as they hang upon lips? And will he notice? will he notice the affection leaves my inflections? will he notice when I change the subject?

How disgraceful is it.. for emotions to flow so freely, when there is no one to hear????? What a sham is that, when the words don't come when I need them? How dishonorable is that? The journal that holds my thoughts, is open for viewing, a test of my truthfulness, my courage... a personal lesson to battle my demons, and yet, I cower when one says they have read it.

And how horrid is it, that every thing I hear, seems a lie when it is kind, and every thought I have of someone else seems like betrayal????

05.31.00
So, I had this weird dream last night. It featured the boy that I was in love with in Junior High, and some of Senior High (ok.. not love, just debilitating crush-hood). I was up at the top of one of those winding ramp things, like they have in parking lots downtown, or at the airport. I started to walk down, to go and get a shower, down at the bottom of the ramp. Then, halfway down, I remembered I needed towels, and climbed back up. I was singing along the way, and as I reached the top of the ramp, I bumped into Jesse (the boy I crushed on), and a bunch of his friends. Then headed down the ramp, and apparently there was a concert down there, Metallica, or something of the like. He stayed at the top with me.. we ended up dancing to the music, looking down at the concert, then slow dancing, then hugging, and then kissing softly at the top of the ramp.
Ok, so that is not all that weird, pretty sweet and nice actually. What is weird, that me and Jesse (a different one) are "taking a break" from our relationship. That, and I can't help but constantly think about John still. I know it is not fair to Jesse that is why I asked for this break. I know that I don’t want to loose him, but at the same time, how can I progress in what we do have, if every time I think of love, I think of John? How can I think of our future, when still the only man I want to marry, or have kids with, is John? I don’t want to be second best to anyone that I care about, and I don’t want to do that to Jesse either. I just can't stop thinking that by trying to love Jesse the way he deserves, I am betraying John, and my own heart.

07.17.00
Amazing, a year after i left John in Philly... more than a year since i last saw him, and still these thoughts haunt me. I want to kill myself again tonight. I wont. But i want to. And it is not even over him, though only by default. The doctor.. said that most likely, when and if i ever try to bear children, i will be unsuccessful. Something inside of me is rotten and barren. I could have told him that.
I could have told him that where a heart should lay, is only a vauge hoping for such things, like a paper heart, that with every disapointment, a small peice of red paper is torn off. I could have told him that what is left, is rotten, ruined, unable to support life, or love, or any shard of what it was meant for.
Just like my overies, that no longer produce eggs.
for so long, i feared this, then a year ago, or perhaps a year and a half, for it was just before i met John real time for the first time, i shook the thought from my head, thinking that it was only this strange dread that has creeped over me, and hung over my head since i was 8 or 9 years old.
i mean that "27 thing" of course. Something I dont tell people anymore, for no one really wants to hear it anyways. That dread.. that haunting thought, that i will die before my 28th birthday. This feeling has hung on my like a growth.. a cancer... that will not flee, since i was so young. I kept thinking this baby thing was unimportant, after all.. what sort of mother would i make??? But then, His light HIS LIGHT brought me out, and the gloom of my death, and of my barren inside was forgotten, passed off as so many forgotten memories that are unpleasing.
But.. no repreive. Such is fate, i will never bare his children.. i will never hold his daughter in my arms, nor will i ever hold any child of my own in my arms. Nothing. Never. I will never look into a pair of gleaming curious eyes, and see His, or my own reflecting back the light. Nothing.
so what good am i at all? Cancer fills me, and i have nothing to offer. No love, no hope, no children to a Man who wishes them.
push them away
i will not obey the voices in my head........ at least not tonight.
but i still want to kill myself.

why is the truth so hurtful? how come i shudder in terror at writing down these truths? or more so. .. at someone finding them? Will it explain things, when i finally do take enough pills... when the blade finally does slice deep enough? or .. is it simply a great way for people that might actually care, to get a glimse of my insanity?, to be forewarned, so they can leave in enough time, so they can think they made no difference, and i will never miss them? I remember.. someone teasing me, saying i had multiple personality disorder. I dont, and i didnt.. but at times like these, when the lure for self torture is all to bright at the back of my mind, i question where my sanity went. Am i possibly just not right? is there something imbalanced inside of me? I feel.. like i am drugged right now... like i have drank too much, and yet.. i have not. My head.. is... somehow detached...... like i am only half living what i am doing, like part of me is somewhere else.
someone else. that would be nice. I want to live my role play life... trade characters when one screws up too much. I would be unrecognisable (to myself). I think i am fading sometimes. the star goes super nova. Gawd.. when i thought of that... i had no idea how far it could go. i was so innocent. i wish i was oblivious again. i wish i could fall inside another world, and be oblivious to love, or sex, or passion, or hurt, or pain, or fear, betrayal, anger. I wish that i could slip inside someone else's life. I wish i could live the life i see Kevin living. No emotions "windy's instant emotion removal kit".
but i still want to die.
but i wont.

08.16.00
I wrote you a letter tonight John. I wrote it, and then erased it, and wrote it again. But I saved it before I wrote it. I saved it, because it was honest how i felt. But I know You dont want to see that. I know it is distastful. I know it will make you feel bad, and you dont want to feel anything right now.

ok.. i have NO idea which email you use.. soooo i am sending this to a few of them.. LOL oh well.. hehehee anyways.. on the 12th you left me this in my Q mailbox: "Wow... ~laughs some~ You know... ~laughs~ oh well I'll wait for you to get on later tonight. hehe "i donno what it means.. but.. i have not yet seen you online.. or.. well.. i did today, but you were NA.. and never came out of NA when you went offline. Anyways.. i dont know what you are up to, or what that meant.. but did you have something to talk to me about? was it about the Destiny posts and what not? either way, i posted again tonight as destiny, and then as *maya* too, mainly because Grimm just appeared out of no where.. and *maya* is still visiting the Lair.. sooo she is there.. and i thought there is NO way Grimm is going to get away without some explanation.. **laughs** Where do you want to be heading with the Destiny/James thing? Because i dont want to be "blocking" you.. while playing off the character (who really only serves her own needs)... know what i mean? her character would "block".. but.. i don't want to make it too hard.. if you have a destination. same with this bit about NC being in the lair..... if you want SS to comeback soon.. it might take a while, depending on when i can post, and when windy responds... we have this thing a little bit planned out....though i am not totally sure where we are going from here.. **laughs* it suckth.. LOL Where do you want to head with the NC thing? just get a time to talk with the kids, get better, and then head out again? or... something else? i am pretty liberal with the story ideas... but you know me.. i like to have at least a loose plan.. its my fatal flaw... **laughs** and seeing as once more i am contemplating suicide... that literal, not just figurative. It's such a heavy topic.......... i know.. not exactly polite dinner conversation. oh well. I am just tired of having these little tinges of HOPE............. and then it all falls apart. guys are scum.. girls are worse... people in general suck ass. I want to go live as Starshine for awhile... ride horses, hunt with wolves... i think that sounds like a good life at this point. forget about the kids, the friends, the sires...just go off in the woods for a jaunt.. and forget about all the crap. Doesnt that sound good? kind of like your idea of stealing a car, driving up to Banff, and smoking up a fat one.. **laughs** anyways.. i am rambling. i keep trying to forget things....... and then reality just smacks me upside the head, and does shit. I told you i would never cut myself up... that i was smarter than that.. i guess i am stupid again. sometimes it's just better to cry over something i can SEE, and FEEL... than something that is inside. Something that just seems to be this tiny bug... just chewing and chewing and chewing. And as soon as i think that i am doing ok.. as soon as i start having faith in myself, and in other people again...... it's like this bug.. just pukes it all up.. or takes a huge bite, and steals everything that was good, and just reminds me that faith is useless, that hope is for fools, and that anything good will eventually wither and rot and no.. it wont even die.. it will just sit there and fester... and become this grotesque thing that i don't even recognise anymore. i don't even recognize myself sometimes. I try.. i try... i try to look in the mirror and smile, try to be "GOOD"... try to think positively.. that somehow it will all just fix itself... that by having a "good attitude, good things will happen"... bullshit. I don't want to feel sorry for myself.. but a hell of a lot of time it seems like the world just had to take a big shit, and decided to do it on me. blah.. this is not the letter i wanted to write.. i wanted to be all happy and cheery and light..... hitting the topics i wanted to hit with the right emotional undertone so somehow you would get the idea of what i really was after, but keeping it light, so you would not think of me as another psycho Ex, another fucked up freak that you used to date. Oh well. HELL.. maybe its your fault!!! yeah.. i like that.. maybe we would not be freaks if we hadn't met you? hehhee.. well.. i tried. didn't work. I know i was fucked up before i met you... you helped me a little.... to get better.. and now i am just worse again. i am so sick of pretending to be ok.. i am so sick of wanting to be "normal". I am tired of calling people "hun" and "sweety"... when i really want to tell then to just jack off. I am sick of feeling GUILTY when i DO tell them where to go. **sighs** and most of all.. i am sick of searching for something that doesn't even exist anymore.

I never sent this, i edited it instead, and sent a letter that was happy. P.S. a letter that you never replied to.

08.31.00
I am such a joke. I just want to kill myself again. I am such a mockery of everything human. I am nothing. I don't even deserve anything. I hate myself. I am nothing. Gawd. Its like everytime i think i am getting closer to something. Everytime something GOOD is within my grasp, it all falls apart. I feel like such a fool. Where in the hell do i get off feeling like this? I just feel so alone. People tell me they care about me, and all i can hear is "LIES!!!! LIES!!!!" ringing in my ears, and I just want to scream at them. No one is honest with me, until I get attached, and then it is like they just want me off them, like i am some barnicle that clings too much. AND DAMNIT IM NOT!!!!! I told them to try to work things out with the girls they were with.. FUCK ME!!!! and what do they do?? they do!!!! and the girls realize like i did before that they are nice, sweet, loving guys.... FUCK IT.
I feel like a stupid little kid. damnit. I need a mommy. I need someone to hold me and stroke my hair and make everything ok and all these bad thoughts in my head to just go away. and i know how fucked up i am. I know it, and thats whats so bloody annoying. I know that i am fucked up, but i cant help it!!!! I just want to take a million pills and make all the sounds in my head stop.. those raging voices that scream at me when i get this upset. they just scream.. all these horrible things. All the words I think that other people think about me. Ugly, unloveable, horrible, so ugly. I hate it. and i hate that i think/know they are all true. I keep trying so hard to find love, this illusion of love, this LIE... I hate it.
so the doctor said he thinks he was wrong, about not being able to have kids, and i will after all. I was so happy. Now, what is even the point? I will never be with someone I want to have kids with, because I know everyone will always leave me. No one stays.. everyone leaves, when the realize that all the horrible thoughts i have about myself really are true, and they leave me for someone better. Its inevitable. There is nothing out there for me. There is this work.. this school... this distraction for the moment, but never any pure joy anymore. There is beauty, and i appreciated it, there are moments where i smile, but they are so hard to find. So many people seem to have a PURPOSE a reason, something they are working for, that they really honestly belive in. All i have is this death. This thing that is just lingering out there waiting for me. I just want to fall asleep and meet it, greet it with open arms and never wake up. I want to slash my wrists and watch the blood flow till i pass out, and greet death like that. Even now, i can feel myself only half here, like the rest of me is dead, or asleep. I hate this. I hate feeling like i have this tiny shard of life, and i am sleepwalking through it. But what the fuck am i supposed to do about it? Jump out of a plane? There is nothing, and there always will be nothing. I remember walking to work, going over the bridge, and thinking of climbing hte rail........ and just letting myself fall onto the road. and i remember feeling like that back when i lived in Abbotsford and wanted to die. Walking over the highway,and thinking that the barrier was big enough to sit on.. stand on.. jump from.
I hate that everyone i start to trust, start to care for leaves me!!!! Twinnie Jeis left me, Master Jareth left me, Kathy left me, Ryan left me, John left me, everyone leaves me but Kevin, and he doesnt listen when i speak anyways. How pathetic is that? the only one that stays, doesnt listen anyways. I hate it, and i hate that when Jesse says he loves me, i just want to tell him to shut up and stop lying to me so often. Not always, just often. I want someone who will really love me, or.. please.. just someone to wrap their arms about me, till i stop crying. someone who will talk to me until these thoughts stop. Please.... please.... I just need to make them stop. I hate it so much. I hate being in pain. I hate crying every day, even on days when i have been happy. But I am not going to find that, am i? I am never going to find someone to drown out the voices again. Even when John said i was beautiful i didnt belive i was. the best i could do, was belive that he wasnt liing to me. Thats how i knew he loved me. Because I didnt think he was lying to me.

10.07.00
I feel so odd so much of the time.
It's like I am living one life for one set of people, another life for another set, and so on. Each of these lives are mine, and yet somehow not. For instance, Thursday of last week and Monday of this past one, I went out with a person named Sam for coffee. Saturday I went out with a person named Greg, same reason, Dave on Friday, same thing again. Not huge deal, but when Greg came to pick me up, I went out to the car before he could come up, or even get out of the car. He's about 45, and I simply did not want to have that discussion with my mum and dad. Now… the reason that I am meeting these people, another thing I don’t really want to get into with a lot of the people I talk to. I have alluded to it with John, I have half told Jesse, but no way would I tell the girls at work, friends at school, my best bud Connie. That would just make all my worlds collide, and I don’t think I could deal with that. As hard as it is to figure out who I am… I don’t think I want everyone else to know who I am either. That is just too scary, someone knowing me too well, too much. I don’t even want John to know all about me anymore, because I know if he did, he would not want to talk to me.
We are talking again though, which I hope is a good thing. It hurts though at the same time. I told him that I wanted us to either not talk at all, ignore one another, take us off our Q lists, not email, him not come to the role play board. OR, for us to try again, we still love one another, but it hurts too much to be apart from him, and still talk to him, see him, hear that he is having a life without me. I know its selfish, you don’t have to tell me that. He said he could NOT just ignore me, be apart from me, not talk to me. Then he would not shut up about how being together.. trying again.. is impossible. I just wanted to die. I asked him over and over and over what other option there was. He could not think of any. If there were, I would be ok, but instead we are in this limbo, where he loves me, and I KNOW he loves me, I love him, and he KNOWS I love him, and here we are being all sweet to one another. Even a lil teasing, talking about sexy dreams of one another etc, and yet… there is nothing that will come of it, other than me getting my fucking hopes up one more time only for him to spring on me that he is dating someone else or something. He probably is come to think of it. He had that girl Rachel come up from Florida when his parents were away. I believe him when he said nothing happened, but who the hell flies from Florida to Philly, just on a whim? He must have been intimate with her. And I know there have been others. I know he makes all these phone calls now, and goodness knows he's not calling me. Gawd. When I think of that, how CAN I trust him???? Just because he loves me doesn’t mean he's not trying to hook up with the next skirt that comes along. And the fact that he will NOT try to have a relationship with me, damn.. that is like PROOF. He has no faith in me, in us. He kept saying that ~I~ thought our dream was a big fairy tale, but if he actually believed in it too, then he would try, or want to try, to make it real again.
I hate myself for being still so hung up on him. I should, I should put the first part of that plan into action. Ignore him. Take him off my ICQ list, not write to him, not call him, not even think of him. He doesn’t seem to think of me a lot, he never writes me, calls me, asks about me. It takes him more than three weeks to post on our board when he says he will do it the next weekend. I should, I should just get him out of my life, thoughts, heart entirely. Find someone new, rush into something where I will not risk feeling anything every again. Like my one Gorean sister, who moved up to be with her Master. She doesn't even love him really she just needed him. Imagine, doing all of that, for someone you don’t even really love. At least she wont be too hurt, when he decides she is no longer worthy of him, is too old for him, is holding him back.
Maybe that’s what this new bdsm kick of mine is all about. Find people that don’t care about my feelings, don’t even want to care about me, love me, look after me. Find people where the relationship is not about love, but about control. I would not have to worry about breaking my heart a million times over if I don’t love them, if I know they don’t love me. Sad huh? To live a life so completely void of love. I feel that way though, completely unloved, like nothing is ever going to touch me or make me feel like that ever again. Just separate my life into neat tidy compartments, with walls of concrete so no one can ever see in, or ever see over the nice little niche I have made for them in my life. And then another little niche for me to curl up in, completely cold, hard, alone. I remember that one line, paraphrased from the Simpson's. "Everyone you ever love will leave you, for someone that needs them more." Maybe its better just to never love, so I will never again be left.

10.21.00
I looked up, and it was like he was not even there. Like he was somewhere else, a machine, in his head he was someplace else and not with me. It hurt. Not that i wasn't enjoying myself, i was, but it hurt too. Knowing that he was somewhere else. I miss looking into someone's eyes, feeling that connection. I miss that emotional intamacy as well as the physical stuff.
Like i have any right to want both though. The only one i want to have both with wont try to be with me, so since i cant have what i want, i should take what i can get. I just hate that blocked out feeling though, that feeling like its all meaningless.
I asked him, where he had been... where he was during. I dont know if he understood. He answered, and I dont think i understood. I nodded, smiled, needed to be held. I didn't understand, and i know thats probably something i cant understand. So i just nodded and smiled, and dropped the subject, because I dont want to be difficult.
And i still just feel so terribly alone.

11.26.00
I don't know why i let him do this to me. Its not as though today wasn't hard enough, work was hell, and i told him i did not want to deal with all of these hard things tonight. I told him it would just end up with me crying and upset. … and as always, here I am, crying my eyes out. I don’t know why he just doesn't get it. JOHN…. TELLING ME YOU REGRET BREAKING UP WITH ME DOESN'T HELP!!!!! Ok? All it does is make me wonder what is so very wrong with me, that you regret it.. but still don’t want me!!!!! I just want to take whatever part of me that makes me so godamn unlovable, and cut it out. Cut it off, bleed it out. And making everything that I was building my life on into a lie doesn’t help either. Don't read this… don't try to get inside my head… don’t try and talk to me if all you are going to do is fuck me up more!!! Its bad enough that I am corrupting my own morals to try to forget you. It's bad enough I am fucking someone who doesn’t love me, and who I don’t love. It's bad enough that I am doing what I said I would never do…. "settle"…. Please don't fuck with my head too. Please don’t say that I matter to you, and that you care about me, that you sometimes regret us ending, if you are not going to do anything about it. Don't read my journal to be close to me if you wont actually be close to me. Don’t "listen" to me here.. if you will not listen to me when I talk to you.