I feel like I am holding on with my last ounce of strength to reality. I feel like my fingers are growing more tired every minute from the strain to hold on. Adam mentioned that when he reads my journal that he doesn't feel like he even knows me, or something along those lines. That I write different than I talk, and I know that is true, but I write this because I feel like if he reads on it may upset him, so he will read it at his own risk.
For the past several weeks, I can see myself sliping back into the way I was. Back into the routine that I live my life in. Just last night after watching one of my favorite movies, I was feeling sick, so I layed down next to Adam and I was overwhelmed with such emotions that I don't even know the words to explaine it. The thing is, the emotions weren't twords him. Not that I didn't have feelings for him, or don't at that, just that I was more concerned with other feelings. I began to think about school starting back up and about him going to college and about what it will be like when we aren't in the same school anymore. He tells me not to worry, but I do. I can't help it!
I feel like my world is standing still when everyone else's is moving on. There is a new vidoe by "Blur" (what's my age, or something like that) and the guys are running around town naked and they are just carefree, and I feel like that. Not like I am running around naked, but like nothing is affecting my from the outside. Everything is being kept inside of me. I thought I delt with things that happened in the past, but I now know I haven't. Last night when I started to cry, it wasn't over anything that happened recently. The things happened months ago! I was upset about money, about Adam going to college, about Adam getting into College...I guess I should explain that.
Adam is going for the first 2 years to a comunity college that is 15 minutes away, becasue, I think, it is closer and cheaper. I am really happy he isn't going away yet, but you see, I applied to that school and can't go. The college ofers post-secondary classes which are classes the state pays for when you are in high school. They count for high school and college credits and are free, so that help a lot too! I was really excited because it is only offered to Juniors and Seniors and since I will be a Junior, I was able to take the test. I, unfortunatly, didn't score high enough and so I can't go, and I really wanted to. My best friend (who will still be in high school), my best friend (one who graduated), and my boyfriend will all be going there, and I am extreamly happy for all of them, but it is still hard on me...I just try not to let it show.
I don't do things that I enjoy enough. I hate it! I am used to feeling so stressed during the school year, and now that I am out, I don't know how to act! I don't know what to do with myself. I know I could clean my room, or walk to dog, or whatever! But I don't! I work, and spend time on the net and with Adam! I love spending time doing that, other than working, but I don't feel like I have enough to do. The thing is I am not even enjoying writing at the time!
