How to Be Irritating

By Tony DeSimone

Make up silly words and use them in everyday speech.

Slam your head on various objects and complain of a headache, then encourage others to do so.

Drum on various objects (including people).

Backwash repeatedly into other people's drinks.

When someone taps you on your shoulder scream loudly and grip your shoulder as if in pain, then fall on the fall on the floor and start twitching.

After a minute or so get up and slap him/her in the face and yell, "DON'T DO THAT!!!!!" If he/she still tries to get your attention, start weeping.

Always talk with absolutely no emotion in your voice.

When at a party where the host owns a piano, go to that piano and start playing completely random notes. Make sure the sound is as annoying as possible. After you have everyone staring and/or yelling at you, turn around and say, "Could you tell I was making it up?"

Start laughing for no reason. When someone asks why say, "I don't know," and keep laughing.

Wear a wig over your real hair.

Make it so there is no difference between the way you laugh and the way you cry.

Show people your collection of photos that come free inside picture frames.

Send people short letters, but ship them in crates.

Go "eenie-meenie-miney-mo" to make every decision.

Insult people in foreign languages (or one you made up yourself).

Only show your grades to people you did better than.

Speak only in spoonerisms.

Place lawn gnomes and pink flamingos on other people's yards.

Eat lots of garlic.

Talk about Woody Allen.

Everytime someone looks downward accuse them of crying.

Frequently remark, "BOOGA BOOGA BOOGA!!!!!!!"

Forget:

how to sleep

how to eat

how to drive

how to burp

how to ride a bicycle

what steak looks like

what you're supposed to do with jello

Talk about cartoon character accents and speech impediments.

Ask people to help you coordinate your farts while bungee jumping.

Write a report on the squash capacity of custard pies.

Repeatedly drop plastic peanut butter jars on the floor, "just because they won't break!"

Start an "escargo" farm.

Plant birdseed.

Train your parrot to say, "VORKANNA!!!!!" Scream and hide whenever it says it.

Pretend that you've been hypnotized from looking at one of those 3d hologram pictures. Kill the person next to you.

Become politically correct.

Put kethcup on everything you eat (even desert).

Hold up a gas station with a staple gun.

Collect:

jelly beans

lint

abc gum

cheese (keep out of fridge)

air sick bags

ants

hotel soap

hotel towels

hotel chairs

hotel beds

celebrity feces

Put beans up your nose and encourage others to put peas in their ears.

When at a friends house clog his/her toilet with presidential ballots. Claim that it's because of a traumatic choldhood memory.

Take out a calculator (it has to be one of those old ones that has very little room for text) and complete this procedure:

1 - "There was this thirteen year old girl," press 1 and 3

2 - "She had 84 boobs," press 8 and 4

3 - "She only wanted 45," press 4 and 5

4 - "So she went to the doctor. He told her to take 2 pills," press 0 and 2

5 - "3 TIMES a day," press multiplication button

6 - "But instead she took 4," press 4 and then press the equal button

7 - "And now she's," turn calculator upside down and present to anyone who's actually paying attention

Bring enough gum for everyone.

Everytime you hiccup scream loudly and hit your chest repeatedly.

Talk about the same subject all week long and talk about:

The history of beef jerkey

The many uses of cottage cheese

The evolution of the muskrat

Excretion of animal waste

Algebra

Act like the person next to you

Talk in Pig-latin

Replace the salt at your table with:

pepper

sugar

talcum powder

cocaine

dandruff

Drink horseradish sauce. Complain of heartburn.

When out at dinner, talk in detail about mummification and embalming procedures.

Purr, growl, hiss, try to hit everything that dangles or runs, and walk around in circles before you go to sleep.

Loan your calculator to someone, then ask the person next to you if you can borrow theirs.

Take notes during a conversation.

Go to a movie theater and laugh hysterically at all the sad parts of the movie.

Stare lustily at:

the same sex

animals

mud

milk bottles

corned beef hash

oak trees

Relate everything to:

food

T.V.

movies

Star Trek

sex

pudding

Punch in 7734 on a calculator (one of those old ones I mentioned). Turn it upside down and suggest to different people as their next vacation spot.

Hit a person's head everytime they blink.

Dress in tights and a cape. Demand that people call you "The Hamster Hopper!"

When at a gym, get on the treadmill as if you don't know what it is. When you turn it on, make yourself fall violently and loudly to the floor. Groan loudly and wait a minute. Then get up and get back on the treadmill and repeat the procedure again. Keep this up for 6 hours or until physically forced out of the gym.

Pretend you have a car alarm by making the sound yourself.

Laugh excessively loud for about 5 minutes whenever someone makes a joke that isn't particularly funny. Don't forget to fall on the floor and writhe.

Pretend to get high from sniffing horseradish. Convince your friend to stick his/her nose in the jar and inhale deeply.

Show everyone your imitation of a dial tone.

Repeatedly sing an annoyingly catchy song that you only know one line from.

Read this list to people.