Legal Disclaimer: No children, superheroes or policemen were harmed in the making of this fan fiction. All likenesses to individuals real or imaginary were intentional. This fan fiction is 100% recyclable and will not harm the ozone

Day One Scene One: The Call
Wolverine is sitting comfortably at the mansion when suddenly Professor X storms in...
Professor X: Hello Logan. I was just looking at this mornings' newspaper and I saw this headline "Wolverine's girlfriend to wed Captain Canuck"
Wolverine: wha… THAT TEARS IT!
Wolverine goes into a bezerker rage! With one swing from his extended claws, Wolverine lobs off the most powerful telepaths' head clean off his shoulders...
Wolverine: Oops! What happened?
X-men: Wolverine! What have you done? You’ve killed the Professor!
Iceman: You bastard!
Wolverine: THAT TEARS IT!!
Wolverine in a bezerker rage slices through the X-men like a ginsu knife slices a pop can or a red ripe tomato...
Wolverine: Oops! What happened here? Oh well, I might as well phone someone and invite them to come along to Canada. Now who's dumb enough to split the gas money with me?
Wolverine retracts his claws and dials 555-THIP...
Wolverine: Old Webhead! It's Logan. Listen bub, I'm goin' to Canada and I was wondering if you would like to come. I need to kick Captain Canucks' butt! He stole my girlfriend and I need to pump him full of Adamantium. I thought you and me could catch the sites afterward. I hear they are to be hitched in Edmonton. Isn't there a big mall there? Anyway you in?
Spiderman: Walloping websnappers! Captain Canuck! That hoser stole my girlfriend too! I can't believe he pulled the same thing on you! Uuh...just a minute dude...
Spiderman talks in the background...
Spiderman: Yah baby! My Aunt ain't home so break out the party condoms!
Spiderman gets back to his phone call...
Spiderman: Hey dude...sorry! I have some company. Yeah...I'll ask Aunt May if I can go. That old slave driver grounded me because I didn’t do the dishes
Wolverine: Rough dude
Spiderman: All right, I'll call you later and we'll go over the plan
Wolverine: I'll be at Harry's

Day One Scene Two: Spiderman Accepts
Wolverine sits in Harry's hideout. He is going through old scrapbooks of his dates with his girlfriend . The phone rings breaking his concentration...
Wolverine: Logan here!
Spiderman: Looks like I can leave for Canada and kick some Canuck butt! I paid a double that Mysterio cloned of me and he'll be taking my place at the Bugle. When do you wanna leave for Canada?
Wolverine: Tommorrow morning. I have to make Captain Canuck pay and see if my girl will come back to me. I have to get there before that maple-leaf eating dork marrys her! I'm glad you're coming Pete. Maybe you can get your girlfriend back too. I'll pick you up on my bike and we'll haul ass!

Day One Scene Three: Highway Hijinks
Spiderman is riding on the back of Logan's motorcycle...
Spiderman: Hey Logan, shouldn't you wear a helmet?
Wolverine: Naw! Helmets are for sissies and panty waists that still live with their aunts!...Oops! Sorry Pete. Anyway if I crash my healing factor stitches me right up!
Spiderman: That's great! But...I DON'T HAVE A HEALING FACTOR!!!
An R.C.M.P car pulls the pair over on the highway...
Patrolman: I'm going to have to give you a ticket for not wearing a helmet sir
Wolverine: Wha... $250 DOLLARS!! THAT TEARS IT!!!
Wolverine goes into a bezerker rage! Wolverine fills the trooper with holes all over his body like he was a star of a John Woo film!
Wolverine: Oops! What happened?
Spiderman: Oh my god! You made that trooper look like regurgitated rat barf...f..f..BBBEELLCCHHH!!!
Still reeling from the horror, Spiderman says to himself...I should lift my mask before puking!
Wolverine: Come on! Let's am-scray!

Day Two Scene One: Alberta Bound
Out on the highway Wolverine's motorcycle runs out of gas...
Wolverine:Huh, what do you know. I guess my fuel gauge is broken after all!
Spiderman: Oh GREAT! Now what genius!
Wolverine: We walk! Hey Webby! Seeing how there's all this snow do you think you could make us some snowshoes? I think my claws are gonna rust
Spiderman: Snowshoes? How am I gonna make snow shoes? Think I am hoarding an eskimo in my backpack or something?
Wolverine: You've got webs, use 'em!
Spiderman sprays an even coating of webbing on the crisp snow. He keeps building the webs until four snowshoes appear on the ground...
Spiderman: says jokingly... Hey Logan! This reminds me of your girlfriend!
Wolverine: How's that?
Spiderman: Because she's so skinny she has to wear snowshoes in the shower so she won't slip down the drain!
Wolverine: Wha... THAT TEARS IT!!!
Wolverine begins a bezerker rage...but suddenly, a pack of hungry wolves run out of the forest and begin eating Wolverine! Blinded by bloodlust, Wolverine carves brand new fur coats for him and Spidey to wear...
Wolverine: Huh?...Where did these coats come from?
Spiderman: You made them out of those wolves that were eating you. Don't you remember? Didn't you notice the wolf intestines hanging off ya??
Wolverine : No I didn't! Where were you?
Spiderman: Oh ...I was hiding in my nifty web igloo!
Wolverine: They should have called you Spider-CHICKEN-man!
Spiderman: I'm a lover not a fighter!

Day Two Scene Two: Edmonton - City Of Malls
After walking to Edmonton, Wolverine finds a phone booth and looks for the church address...
Spiderman: Where in god's great butthole are we Logan?
Wolverine: Tryin' to find the church they're at!
Spiderman: Well I'm getting cold. Hey look! A Tim Hortons! I'll treat you to a coffee and a doughnut
A Policemen pulls up to Login...
Policeman: Hey, where are you guys from? You don't look like you're from around here!
Wolverine: Naw, I'm a mutant and he's a reporter from New York
Policemen: pulling out his gun...All right! Put your hands on the car AND SPREAD 'EM!!
Wolverine: We don't have time for this!!
Spiderman: Officer please! We're just...
Policemen: That's enough of your back talk young man! Now you and your midget boyfriend get in the car!
Wolverine: Wha... THAT TEARS IT!!!
Wolverine goes into a bezerker rage and cuts the cops' head completely off with his claws! The cops' head drops to the ground and sinks into the snow like hot pee...
Wolverine: Oops! What happened?...You were sayin' something about a coffee?
Spiderman: Scooby doo!

Day Two Scene Three: Off To The Mall
Spiderman: Hey Logan! I thought we were going to the church?
Wolverine: I wanna stop in to this big mall I've been hearin about. I gotta get a gift for the little woman!
Spiderman: Speakin of the little woman, Aunt May might need some new lingere!
Wolverine looks at Spidy with disgust...
Spiderman: WHAT?!
They enter West Edmonton Mall...
Wolverine: I gotta go get my claws sharpened at the ice palace then pick up from "the Love Shop", a vibrat...eeerrr...never mind!
Spiderman:Mutters under his breath... Weirdo!
Wolverine: OHH CRAP!!!
Spiderman: WHAT IS IT?!? Doctor Doom, the Rhino, or is it Magneto???
Wolverine: Naw, it's saturday! The mall is packed!!!
Spiderman looks up to see the mall crowded with children, teens, old people, and chinese tourists snapping pictures...
Wolverine: Well, it looks like we'll have to slice and dice our way through!
Wolverine goes into a bezerker rage and decapitates bodies of little kids and old people! Legs and arms go flying through the air, blood spewing in rivers across the once peaceful atmosphere of weekend shoppers...
Spiderman: Running through the mall after Wolverine... OOHH GOD NOOO!!! LOGAN STOP!!...OH THE HUMANITY!... sob... PLEASE STOP!!!
Wolverine: Huh?? Where am I?
Spiderman: Still sobbing... LOOK AT WHAT YOU DID!!!
Logan looks back to see all the carnage he's caused. He sees the bloody body parts still twitching...
Wolverine: Oops! Quick! Lets make ourselves scarce! I know where we can go. I saw a hotel in the mall. We can spend the night there until the cops disappear
Spiderman: Okay! Let's go!

Day Two Scene Four: Confused Superheroes
Reception clerk: Hello! How may I help you?
Wolverine: Out of breath... Yah, we need a room!
Reception clerk: Would you like a theme room? Some guys from San Francisco didn’t show up so I'll give it to you guys
Spiderman: Sounds good! How much?
Reception clerk: Well, with towels...that will be...$800 dollars a night!
Spiderman: WHAT!!! I only have $200 dollars of allowance money!
Wolverine: Don't sweat it bub! Professor X gave me my allowance before I decapitated him
Reception clerk: Alrighty then, your room is called "the Village People" room. It's on floor 69
Spiderman: My spider-sense is going a mile a minute, but there's no danger here!
Later, in the Village People room...
Wolverine: Huh? There's only one bed!!!
Spiderman: Looks like we have to sleep together
Wolverine: I'm warning you! If you try to grab my sexy @$$ I'll cut ya a new A-HOLE!!
Spiderman: Oh yah! Well if you try anything to me, like watching me shower, I'll web your nuts till you have elephant blue balls!! Then you won't need a girlfriend!
Wolverine: Oh yah! Think so huh! Well if I catch you lookin' at me with those sexy puppy dog eyes of yours, I won't undress in front of you or give you the best nude massage you have ever had!
Spiderman: Oh yah! Well I just might not let you touch my...!
Spiderman awakens as if from a dream...
Spiderman: What's going on?
Wolverine: It's this room! It's turning us into PEANUT PUMP'N TURD BURGLERS!!!
Spiderman: LETS GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!!!
Both Spiderman and Wolverine jump out the window and crash through the glass dome of the waterpark into the laps of two bikini clad beautiful ladies...
Ladies:EEEEEEEEK!!!!!!!!
Wolverine: Well...hello ladies! What are the both of you doing tonight?
Spiderman: Yeah! Maybe we could double date!
Ladies: We don't think so, were taken. Besides, we only date normal sized guys!
Wolverine: THAT TEARS IT!!! That's all I can stand's, I can't stand's no more!!!
Wolverine goes into a bezerker rage and turns the once peaceful blue waters of the water park to a crimson red with the blood of the virgin sacrifices!
Spiderman: OH GOD! NOT AGAIN! PLEASE GOD!!
Wolverine: Huh ?... What happened?
Spiderman: Let's bail! I'll tell you later!

Day Three Scene One: The Big Day
Wolverine and Spiderman finally arrive at the church just as the ceremony is starting. Everyone who is anyone is there. Wayne Gretzky, Alpha Flight, mayor Bill Smith, K.D. Lang, Wonder Woman, Neil Young and Kim Mitchell are all in attendance. Sitting in the back of the church, miffed they are not in the front with the others, are Celine Dion, David Hasselhoff, Don Johnson and the Taco Bell dog...
Priest: Do you Captain Can...
Wolverine: Bursting in, claws barred... HOLD IT RIGHT THERE BUB!!!
Everyone looks to the back of the church, including the bride...Alanis Morissette!!!
Spiderman: Alanis!!! How could you do this to me!
Wolverine: HUH? Alanis is my girlfriend!
Spiderman: Sez you! I've been seeing her for awhile now. If you didn’t insist on coming up here I'd probably be slippin her the old webbed wonder right now!
Wolverine: THAT TEARS IT...CLAW CITY BUB!!!
Captain Canuck: Gentlemen, gentlemen...no need to fight under the house of the Lord. Especially on this glorious winter day! Now, why don't we all calm down and...
SNIKT!!!...THWIPT!!!...KERCHUNK!!!...GLOOSH!!!...SPLITT!!!...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!

EPILOG: University Hospital
In one room lies Spiderman in traction, Captain Canuck with two broken legs, Wolverine hooked up to a drip, and Alanis in a full body cast...
Nurse: Well mister Logan, you sure are thirsty! That's your fifth bottle of plasma today!
Spiderman: Nurse! Could I have another sponge bath?
Captain Canuck: Tell Spidey to aim for the bedpan this time! Last time he made such a mess that I just about wiped out in my wheelchair!
Alanis: Oh shut up all of you or I'll start singing again!!
Wolverine, Captain Canuck, Spiderman, Nurse: NO! NO! NOT THAT!!!