Announcer: Dr. Laura’s talk show is filmed in front of a live (but heavily drugged) studio audience.
Cue Dr. Laura’s theme music: "Bitch" by Meredith Brooks
Announcer: And here’s your host, Dr. Laura!
Audience claps sleepily
Dr. Laura: Hi everybody and welcome to the show! On today’s show we have an extra special feature about Superheroes and the problems they face. I’m not just talking about battling super villains, I mean their special problems, and many of their problems were kept a secret for years. So let’s get on to the show!
Dr. Laura walks into the crowd
Dr. Laura: Let’s welcome my first guest, the former Alpha Flight member, Northstar!
Audience claps half bored and half confused
Dr. Laura: He’s Gay!
Audience: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Northstar: I would just like to thank you for letting me come on to ta-
Dr. Laura: Yeah whatever! Isn’t it true that you once tried to seduce your former teammate Sasquatch?
Northstar: What?
Dr. Laura: Yes! You said quote “All that fur turns me on”
Northstar: Oh my goodness no! I would never attempt to seduce one of my teammates.
Dr. Laura: Isn’t it true that you were the reason Alpha Flight broke up? Wasn't it because they couldn’t stand you and your queer ways?
Northstar: What? That wasn’t why we broke up!
Dr. Laura: Why did you break up then? Uh-huh! That’s what I thought.
Northstar: I thought I was just here to tell my story!!!
Dr. Laura: Well you thought wrong moron! So anyways the rumor is that the reason you became queer is because you’re a dumb Canadian!
Northstar: Why did you do this?... muh...huhuhuh...
Northstar breaks into tears and runs away
Dr. Laura: Yeah get lost you queer! We’ll be right back after this commercial message!
The camera pans the crowd and Survivor’s Rudy is shown smiling
After The commercial...
Dr. Laura: Well that was a big waste of time! So on to the next guest. Please welcome Witchblade!
Guys in The audience: Yeah! Hoot! Hoot! Hoot!
Sara walks onto the set in a suit showing almost no skin
Guys in audience: Boooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
Dr. Laura: Hello Sara! It's so nice of you to join us!
Sara: Thanks! It’s my pleasure.
Dr. Laura: I bet it is!
Sara: What?
Dr. Laura: Oh face it you little nympho, you love it when men scream for your body.
Sara: What! Just because I dress like that as a superhero it doesn’t make me a skank!
Dr. Laura: Oh come on you little slut! You are a nympho just like the other freaks on my show.
Audience: Whooooooooooooooooo! Dissssssssssssssssssss!
Sara: Slut? I’m a cop you bitch! You’re just jealous because your body doesn’t look like this
Sara rips of her suit revealing her Witchblade costume
Dr. Laura: Oh right you Barbie doll! Why would I be jealous of you?
Sara: I saw those pictures of you on the internet and whoa baby are you jealous! Or at least you are now!
Audience: Catfight! Catfight! Dr. Laura ewwwwwwwwww!
Dr. Laura: That’s it! It’s go time you F***ing slut!
Dr Laura rushes Sara but guards hold the two apart until Sara is escorted off of the stage
Announcer: We’ll be right back after these messages!
Bill Clinton is shown smiling in the audience
After the commercial
Announcer: Announcement! Dr. Laura is now on at 4:30 in LA, NYC and pretty much everywhere else. Now back to this piece of crap we call a show!
Dr. Laura: Well that was a big waste of time. Stupid Skanky whore! Well let’s bring out the next guest, the man formally known as Speedy, Arsenal!
Arsenal walks out to absolute silence
Dr. Laura: He’s part of The Titans...(crowd does nothing) with Nightwing and Flash!
Audience: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! (They clap)
Dr. Laura: Hello Arsenal! Now let’s get down to business... you’re a druggie!
Arsenal: Former druggie. I don’t do that anymore, I’ve got a kid to look out for.
Dr.Laura: Oh sorry! My mistake! (turns to the crowd and mouths “yeah right”) So how long has it been since your last hit of smack? 5, 10, maybe 15 minutes?
Arsenal: What? Are you mentally challenged or something!? I just said I haven’t done drugs for years!
Dr. Laura: Look, I’ve had a few hits of smack in my time. I even keep my dealer on speed dial. I know what it’s like to be famous and spend all your money on crack and then have a stupid show that’s dieing right in front of my eyes...I err...Uh...I mean your addicted aren’t you?
Arsenal falls on the floor in laughter
Announcer: I think we should go to a commercial
Robert Downey Jr. is shown in the audience smiling
After the commercial...
Announcer: Announcement! The Dr. Laura Show has been cancelled. After this episode, re-runs of "Hee Haw" will air in it's place. If you want to continue watching the show, you need some serious help. A psychiatrist will stand by for your calls. Now back to this crap hole we call a show...
Dr. Laura: Now let’s get on to our last guest. This episode and forever, the X-Man known as Wolverine!
Audience: (goes nuts) "X-Men was da Bomb! Yo!"
Dr. Laura: Hello Wolverine! How are you doing today?
Wolverine: What!! You mean your not going to insult me like you did to all those other people on the show? Well?
Dr. Laura: What do you mean? I would uh...never think of... uh...trying to insult a man like you
Wolverine: What!? You think I’m going to cut you up or something? well I just might if ya get me angry ya stupid broad!! (Wolverine smeels the air) Something doesn’t smell right
Dr. Laura: Uh..what..uhm...what do you mean? Everything’s fine! I have nothing to hide
Wolverine: Something’s wrong about you!! (Walks up to Dr. Laura and rips off a patch on her throat revealing an adam’s apple) That’s it! You’re a transsexual whore! You’re a freaking guy!!
Dr. Laura: Nooooooooooooooo! You stupid idiot mutie Canadian!!!
Wolverine: What? Nobody insults Wolverine!!! (breaks into a berserker rage) SNIKT!!! It’s clawing time! (he walks towards Dr. Laura and raises his clawed hand when everything goes black)
After the censorship...
Everyone is dancing around Dr. Laura’s decapitated body
Audience: Ding Dong! The witch is dead! Which old witch? The stupid, ugly, skanky bitch witch! Thanks Wolverine! Hooray!
Announcer: So Wolverine you just decapitated Dr. Laura, what are you going to do now?
Wolverine: I’m going to Disney World! (Gives the thumbs up)
The show’s credits roll
The End