TV tray with a brick on it
o
ccupying
...a north side parking space one day is a tv tray with a brick on it.
if you are anything like me, you've seen every twist on just about every
money making opportunity there is. given that, it is natural to want to
preserve the firm and rounded shape of your breasts.
my eyes burned after i inserted my sweat-stained lizard eye contacts. as winter approached i dipped my fingers into the pockets of my baggy jeans to search for a chapstick. when nick corrado [sic] took kokomo jr.
to psychologists and speech therapists a year ago, they told him "chimps
just don't talk." however, this was no ordinary money-making opportunity.
thousands of people in the U.S. make their living doing this! my
greatest fear was that the joke would get back to buddy and he would know
people were making fun of him.
a mousey girl, she was not afraid to stick her finger in my face and say warning. when this happens, infants can fall to the ground and suffer serious injuries. mr. hackett was never one to suffer indignities well. i replaced all the knives in the drawer with spoons.
vlasic described
mr. bernstock's departure from the pickle and condiments market as voluntary.
but when she came home late one night and found that someone else had put
a hair in a parking place she had dug earlier that day, she got religion.
or had put a chair. these ligaments, the cooper’s ligaments, which are
no bigger than a human hair, help to keep the breast in position. no breast,
no matter how athletic, can hope to make the big play once found out of
position.
The U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission protects the public from the unreasonable risk of injury or death from 15,000 types of consumer products under the agency's jurisdiction. after a rerun of "juice", i replaced the metal forks in the cup by the salad bar with plastic ones. woons are not sporks, just primitive wooden spoons.
"The Play"
my girlfriend once grabbed me by my shirt and asked me, "why don't you touch me, sweaty loverboy?"
"the stains are birthmarks, from birth," i told her. altho i was blabbering, my insecurites exposed by her direct tone, i was actually afraid that my cold and clammy hands would turn her off. after i told her about my condition, she said that she understood. she was the first girl i ever met (but not the last) who was completely honest about, well... things!
she said she liked to cloud out faces. once, when i was really pissed at
her, i broke all her crayons and sweated with my hands all over her persian
cat, who then rolled on her breakfast muffins. the bran sopped my perspiration
from the fur; after that night she never again said a word that did not
begin with "w", if that makes any sense.
later, after catching a rerun of "kotter", i caught her in a showerdome
by american plasticbrands giving the gardener, oleo rakes manhattan, head!"
until that moment, i'd never made the connection: sudeenly, there in the
second floor bathroom, i knew what "head" meant.
i fell back into my chair, too stunned to move at this shocking revelation, when a cloth covered my mouth and nose. it must have been a large cloth, perhaps a tablecloth.
did i say "palliative"?
i meant minty fresh.
TWO WEEKS
LATER:
it seemed
like a minute or so went by. as i watched, her powerful, tumbling cloud
of smoke crossed the table exploding just as it hit my face. consumers
should stop using the bounce 'n play activity
dome immediately. no further news was
forthcoming. later tom brokaw, whom we hadnt seen in years, hosted a "where
are they now?" program highlighting his own fall into obscurity.
#47 follow an ant for 15 minutes. write down everything the ant does. then write a poem about the ant’s adventures! or, go key your neighbor's sport utility vehicle.
1700 BC (approximately): The first bathtub made of terra cotta appears in Crete. The attempt to manage and enhance the bathing experience begins.
a chair for
religion. it's a rough system of justice, but this winter it drew the tacit
approval of mayor richard m. daley. saying "ohhh, mama" is kokomo's crowning
achievement after mastering such refinements as kissing a lady's hand without
nibbling it, sleeping on a bed under a blue coverlet instead of in a cage,
and eating daintily with a fork instead of his fingers.
you asked for tips on a properly fitting bra. kokomo jr. left the show three months ago because the early hours were ruining his night life.
"my four year old doesn't want me to hold his hands. he said that he didn't
like holding my wet hands." in fact, i occassionaly had to undo a button
after eating.
500 BC: Hot baths and associated drainage systems appear. The issue of water temperature is first tackled.
work. that
is the term she most often used. in the yard, in the kitchen by the sink,
in bed under the blue coverlet. my advice to children everywhere, i said
aloud after a night of paricularly palliative lovemaking, is se the cup-and-cardboard method to remove an insect from your home.
the bra is
the most important item of clothing that is put on in the morning. turtles
or other animals often swallow them and choke, get sick, or even die. and
out come the crowbars and hammers to wreak vengeance on those who have
dared to push aside the blockades.
in case
the brick itself isnt enough of a hint, next to it is a crude drawing of
mayor daley and his 13-year-old son. mr. dennis trusts his instincts. "while
studying to be a chef at a new york city culinary school, i was almost
fired after they accused me of spitting into the batter. It's just that
my hands were dripping with sweat."
is felix dennis mad? how many women complain that the first item of clothing removed after a hard day is their brassiere! the brick is the most important piece of baked masonry put on the tv tray in the morning.
water became
"wawa" and sex "weewee wack-wack". i couldn't understand why regis didnt
just work without a cohost. "theyre all dumb bitches, reeg," i spouted
to the end of my feet where the tv glowed emerald green, keeping the kitty
atop it snugly tucked in a mousy field of dreams.
the jokes had gotten back to buddy. they weren't funny anymore. everyone hated me, but they didn't want to be around buddy anymore either.
so far in my
10 years of fitting bras i have not found one class that teaches women
how to wear their bra. in case the brick itself isnt enough of a hint,
next to it is an ornate drawing of a skull and crossbones: welcome to raven's
painted claws, southside goth juice bar. as my mother used to say, "your
cup runneth over," or breast tissue is pushed under the arm. "i rust my
tools at the machine shop," pops countered.
i found myself stareing at my brick on the tv tray for hours. we both giggled.
i take a class called unnecessary spanish on tuesday evenings. there are several beautiful women in the class, because it is evening.
the chairman of london-based Dennis Holdings Ltd., who stunned U.S. magazine executives with the success of Maxim -- a racy title for young men, is going after yet another audience: the market for the U.S.'s venerable weekly newsmagazines. without proper support the breast is subjected to its greatest enemy; The Law of Gravity. isn't that what they always say after something terrible has happened: "it was the law of gravity...." i wanted to be an artist but i kept staining my artwork with my sweat, so i became a school teacher.
i finally caught on and began asking for "weewee wack-wack! weewee WACK-WACK!" i would put
on my best athletic shoes and jump really high.
"wednesday," she would say.
"i'm so embarrassed by my sweaty hands that I don't want to go with my husband to parties."
perhaps this woman doesnt realize the spork is a marvellous invention that offers the consumer the opportunity to eat mashed potato, steak and pudding with the same implement..
"i'm an fbi agent. one day, i discovered that i was the one who was sweating during the interrogation of a suspect while he was cool and dry. this is just not right." i decided to give in; to shave my legs and put on a dress.
make a birdbath from a plastic dish. put it in your yard or on a window sill. keep it filled with two inches of water and watch your feathered friends splash around!
one night a
friend of mine and i invited ourselves into a car at a drive-in. i ended
up in the front seat opposite a stunning blonde who looked like a professional
model. when i did a quick search of my pockets for my brick, however, i
found i had left it on the bedstand at the hotel WHICH HAD BURNED TO THE
GROUND THAT VERY MORNING! (only later did it dawn on me that bricks dont
burn.*)
1990s: Bathing ceases to be about just getting clean. Bathing becomes a personal life enhancing experience.
i hope you
found our "anatomy of a healthy breast" informative. the spork was invented
in the 1940s, when the US army occupied japan after the second world war.
it makes me crazy when i see a woman with her bra band up by the shoulder
blades; i want to yank it down and tighten it up! you ended up with every
man's fantasy; a lady in the parlor, a chef in the kitchen, and a whore
in the bedroom. be the "write" kind of friend. take a little time to write
a letter to someone far away. include a recent photo or self-portrait.
i found myself staring at my engagement ring for hours. then the "titty
fairy" came. i couldn't see too much of her technique, and i was so overpowered
by the force of her smoke that i never could remember very well what she
looked like.
on wednesdays,
she would close the day with a cigarette and big whatever.
If you
don’t have a yard, a bucket filled with potting soil will do just fine!
sheer genius, the boss said, patting me on the shoulder. "to have sent mr. hackett a portrait of him as a stickman!" I was glad he didnt notice my tight brastraps.
"i have to
hold my baby with a towel or i may drop him because of my wet hands." (this
line suggests a continuation is in the works.) she then said, "isn't this
fun -- so many young people here i can blow smoke on!"
________________________________
s
o u r c e s
The Wall Street
Journal, Thurs., Jan. 11, 2001
"Maxim Publisher Plans a Shocker: News Magazine" Matthew Rose
"Vlasic CEO Resigns, Will Accept Assignment at Another Company" Shelley
Branch
"Chicago Claim Jumpers are Likely to Have Their Cars Vandalized" Jonathan
Eig
webpages
"Anatomy of a Healthy Breast: Letter to the Gale King show" Dr. Bra, Vice-President
Operations Ann’s Bra & Lingerie Shop
"The Evolution of Bathing According to Showerdome" http://www.showerdome.com/
"The Stigma: Hyperhidrosis has made me who I am." Hyperhidrosis Clinic
USA http://www.endoscopic-surgery.com/
"The Transformation Story Archive: The Stepford Wives" Sarah Barndt http://tsa.transform.to/index.html
"GETTING CAUGHT! a First Person Story" from the story archive of Smoke
Signals: a monthly publication devoted to the smoking fetish
"MegaDisk PRO" at http://www.proto1.com/megadisk.htm
"CPSC, Fisher-Price Announce Recall of Infant Products" from the Consumer
Product Safety Commission website
(http://www.cpsc.gov/cpscpub/prerel/prhtml00/00092.html)
"And Now, Friends in TV-Land, A Brief Word From Our Chimp" by Sally Hammond,
from the New York Post Sunday, November 9, 1958, presented on the webpage
"Kokomo Jr., America's Favorite TV Chimpanzee: Kokomo Jr. says
'Mama'" (http://www.kokomojr-tvchimp.com/)
"The Spork" from the h2g2 website @ http://www.h2g2.com/A240887
"60 Cool Quick and Kind Activities" from the Kind News Online @ http://www.kindnews.org/60activities.shtm
* Remember
that kid from the Velvetine Rabbit? That was me, DeWayne
Rembrandt.
for further study, see also...