SEOUL - NOVEMBER 15, 2000
Walking through any street, going through life, during daily routines, there are brief moments of an awareness of interest from one human being towards another. During these moments I have often deeply wished to know the thoughts, ideas, or if there is mutual interest coming from the object of my own momentary thought occupier. If this is all a little bit vague, I'm directly speaking of the attraction that sometimes exists between a woman and a man during ordinary moments of the day. When passing by someone on the street, while you are buying your daily newspaper, when you are just waiting for the next subway train.
On these occassions, I often wish I could feel or know the thoughts of the other person. Are they thinking the same thing about me that I am about them - a feeling of interest. The mass majority of these moments I casually allow to pass by without the person of my attention having any clue that I am even remotely aware of their owm existance.
All of these thoughts are going towards an incident that happened to me today. After my Korean classes I was in somewhat of a melancholy mood, not feeling adequately alive, actually feeling somewhat dead to my own existance, and a bit tired. Knowing I was in a strong need of study, I went to a nearby Burger King and idled away several hours trying to catch up in my Korean vocabulary, which I sorely lack. I spent part of the afternoon intensily devoted to the task, and when I felt I needed a break, I packed up my books, and made the decision to continue in the comfort of my own small room not far away.
Upon descending the Burger King stairs, I saw a rather pretty Korean girl standing with her friends. I didn't think much of it at that moment, afterall I see many pretty Korean girls throughout the day, and unfortunetely I walk by every single one of them without any acknowledgement of their prescense, or of them acknowling mine. I have often wished this wasn't so.
As I descended the stairs I saw the side of her face as she was talking to her friends. Then as she moved her head, and in particular, her eyes towards me, at the very moment her eyes were to meet my own, I glanced off into another direction. I felt for a moment that she was looking at me a moment or two longer than usual, but hardly noticeable than any other notice of any other individual in any other circumstance. I continued walking by, just like any two people normally would.
The moment I had put my first foot past her, she had already turned back around to her friends, and I heard her very audibly say in extremely clear English "His eyes are SO blue! They are so beautiful! His eyes are SO blue!"
Her words completely caught me off guard, and combined with the fact I have conditioned myself to poliltely pretend non-interest in all things around me. This had particularly caught me off-guard. Here was one of those moments when someone had audibly made their thoughts known during one of those extremely common casual moments throughout the day.
To my own strong regret, I had completely misssed the moment though. I was so consumed in my own world of studies and my immediate future moments of going home, that I continued walking not quite sure how to react or what to say. I had already passed her as I heard her say those words to her friends in such clear English. I contined walking with a sudden strong regret and immediate strong sadness. Such kind and beautiful words, and I hadn't even ackowledged them. I wanted to go back to her, and say something, anything, but I was at a loss of what I would say. I continued towards the door and out into the street.
As I continued walking, I felt a little bewildered, and a littled dazed by that recently passed moment in time. I had missed a good opportunity, and I think I would have loved to have talked to her. Maybe I would have asked her for a cup of tea or coffee or whatever she would wish to have. I should have been elated, but instead my heart felt even heavier by her kind words. I should have been uplifted, and given an boost, instead I just had strong sense of regret. I continued walking until I arrived in my own nearby apartment. I briefly sat down and tried to relax, and forget that moment. But I had an overwhelimg desire to return to her, and to find out much more about this person had began to dwell up inside of me.
I turned off my television, grabbed my keys, and went back towards Burger King where the brief moment had just recently passed. Along the way, I thought over and over about what I would say. Would I say "wow, you speak good English" or would I say "did you say what I think you said?" I rambled around sentences in my head, and each thought seemed more ridiculous than the last. I didn't feel I had any choice not to return though, so I determinely went with the recognition that I'd probably stand by her completely speechless. The alternative, of not going back seemed much worse, as the sadness of the missed moment would haunt me.
Upon my arrival at Burger King, I anxiously looked through the front windows for her presence. Where was the woman who had such beautiful words about my eyes. I didn't see her. A sudden realization that the moment was lost forever consumed me. I studied the faces outside of the restaurant, and walked down the street in both directions briefly. There was absolutely no sign of her. Not only that, but the moment was so short, that even if I did see her again, I don't think I would ever recognize her, I would only recognize her by the space that she momentarily occupied as I momentarily passsed her by.
The opportunity of meeting this girl had passed forever. The sadness of that fact lingered with me throughout the rest of the afternoon. I've always thought words were dangerous. A single breath, utterance, word, or phrase can stick in your mind indefinetely. They have the power to bless you, curse you, fuck with you, or just plain and clearly, make you think and reexamine everything around you.
To read the Next Journal Entry: November 20, 2000
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