Chuck McGaw was the sophomore class bully. He could, and did, do anything he wanted. His dad, a shiftless drunk, could only hold temporary day-labor jobs; his mother was a fat slob who never cleaned house but instead sat down in front of the TV doing her nails while watching Jerry Springer and the like all day long. Nobody cared if the school called to tell them Chuck had done something wrong. Nobody, that is, except Uncle Louie.
Louie was a jerk. He was also a lawyer. He had never won a case in court, and probably never would. He didn't have to. Instead, he preferred to bluff his opponents into out-of-court settlements, taking his customary 50%. If it appeared an opponent was going to call his bluff, Louie would have a private chat with the opponent's client, saying he was ready to settle for much less than originally demanded, sometimes even offering to help that client out of some other jam that he or she had gotten into (often because of Louie's machinations). Once in a while Louie did lose; then, he always blamed the outcome on bad instruction from his client. This didn't happen often, however.
One time, when Chuck was in eighth grade, he initiated a sixth grader by sticking her head in the toilet (yes, Chuck liked to pick on girls). The toilet was full of feces, urine and paper at the time. The child nearly had a nervous breakdown. Chuck was expelled from school. Uncle Louie sued the school, demanded lots of money for Chuck's "pain and suffering," and got a settlement for a few thousand bucks to go into Chuck's college fund (minus Louie's cut, which was 40% for family members). Louie warned the school that if they ever did anything to embarrass Chuck again, he would sue the district, along with every teacher, principal, custodian, cook or parent that was even remotely connected to Chuck, for everything they had and then some.
George Nelson was a very nice boy. All the girls liked him. He played football and basketball. He wasn't overly talented, but he always worked hard, and the coaches let him play than his abilities seemed to merit. He once scored only one point in a basketball game--a free throw with no time on the clock to win the contest. George's girlfriend was Missy Charles, a year younger and a member of Chuck's class.
Chuck hated Missy. She had once kicked him in the groin for picking on her brother. He never told Louie about that one; he was afraid Louie would take him into court and pull down his pants in hopes of getting a big settlement. The only thing Chuck feared was exposure of private area in public--and he figured Louie would make him show it if a lot of money could be made doing so. Of course, Chuck had no problem with taking out his penis in private; he had once exposed himself to some little girls and even nearly raped one of them before some other kids came along and Chuck had to sneak away.
Chuck enjoyed smoking. One day, he decided to ambush Missy and burn her with a cigarette in the same place she had kicked him. He stood behind a tree along a deserted street that Missy walked along on her way home from school. She was wearing a short dress and no pantyhose. Chuck took a drag on the cigarette for confidence, pushed Missy down, then pressed the hot end as far as he could into her crotch. Missy's blood-curdling scream would have raised the dead.
"There, now you know how I felt, you little bitch!" Chuck said. "Don't bother calling the cops. My Uncle Louie will make you show your ass in court. Then we'll sue you for ruining my reputation." Chuck took a last drag on the cigarette, then threw the butt away in the street. He laughed.
George's sister Rose, who was a senior, drove by a few minutes later, and saw Missy lying on the ground. She stopped and asked, "My God, what's wrong, Missy?"
"He raped me," Missy sobbed. "With that cigarette!" She sobbed some more as Rose helped her into the car. Rose found the cigarette lying on the ground, snuffed it out completely with her heel, and dropped it into a small plastic bag she seemed to always have on hand.
Rose's boyfriend was a cop, so she figured the police could run DNA tests on the butt to find out if Chuck had been smoking it. But without the victim's testimony, which would be embarrassing enough without Louie's inevitable cross-examination, there wasn't much of a case. Even if Chuck were convicted, he was still legally a juvenile, so he wouldn't spend much time in jail, which was really juvenile hall. But George's friends and some other girls who had been bullied by Chuck came up with another plan.
Chuck's bike brakes were a bit worn, and he had to ride down Miller Hill, which had a sharp right turn near the bottom. He usually swung wide to make it easier to take the corner without braking, but this time, as he was about to swing over to the left side, Rose's car came racing up the hill. Chuck lost control of his bike, landing in a hedge a few yards off the road. Rose stopped her car, and walked back to the accident site. Another friend of Rose's was present, and the girls talked about the accident. Chuck heard bits and pieces of converstion as he lost consciousness: ?"Going too fast . . . never saw him . . . no helmet on . . . blood . . . off his pants?" Then he heard nothing.
"Charlene," said a girl's voice. Charlene did not recognize it. "You've had a bad fall. Do you remember what happened?" Charlene shook her head. "That's okay, go back to sleep."
When Charlene woke up hours later, she began to wonder: Where am I? Who am I? What happened? A woman in a nurse's outfit walked in a few minutes later with a light meal. She noticed that Charlene was awake, and called another woman, who identified herself as a doctor.
"Good morning, Charlene," said the doctor. "You are looking much better."
"Who am I?" Charlene tried to speak, but her voice was deep and groggy.
"You must have had a nasty bump on the head. You're name is Charlene McGaw. Does that ring a bell?" The doctor smiled. "Sorry about that. You must have had your bell rung pretty good."
"I'm Chuck McGaw!" Charlene was angry. "Let me out of here!"
"Bring a sedative, stat!" barked the doctor.
As the nurse injected Charlene with salt water, the doctor covered Charlene's mouth with chloroform. Charlene heard these words as she went back to sleep: "Common occurrence . . . boys think they're girls . . . girls think they're boys . . . she'll know when she sees her old dresses."
"You were wearing this dress when you crashed your bike. It was so pretty, too. I'm afraid it can't be mended. I hope you like this one instead." Mrs. McGaw had been angry at first when she learned about Chuck's "accidental" transformation into Charlene--until someone from Jerry Springer's show called and invited her on. Uncle Louie still wanted to sue someone, but he soon realized there was money to be made as his sister-in-law's agent.
Charlene was never again a bully. She had to dress as a girl for one month, and even after returning to her male life, began to make a living as a very convincing female impersonator. Uncle Louie was her agent. Of course.