The Airplane Epic

WARNING: The following sick morbid twisted tale is not for the faint of heart. It's violent, disgusting, sick and gross. If any of these things bother you or you have a weak stomach, or are pregnant, or suffer from back/neck injuries, etc. etc. etc.

You have been warned; proceed at your own risk.

A scratchy voice pierced the dull "Walla, walla" of the background,

"Hello, this is Captain Kirk speaking, would everyone please be seated, the flight takes off in 3 minutes. Please fasten your safety belts."

A young teen named Frank stepped onto the crowded plane, with his father.

"Gee dad, this is exciting, eh?"

A low guttural grunt was the reply from his slightly mute father.

Both sat down in their designated seats and waited for the take off. After a few minutes, the plane started to move. Frank excitedly looked out the window to confirm this. To his surprise, the plane was moving backwards. Frank gasped loudly and started screaming as the plane neared the end of the runway. A nearby stewardess quickly yelled,

"Turn around you stupid moron, you're facing the wrong way!!"

Frank blushed a lovely shade of red, and then turned around and faced forward, noticing the plane was now moving in the right direction. His father furrowed his brow and gave an annoying grunt.

The plane slowly started to take off, everyone in the plane was steadily pushed back into their seats as the gravity changed.

"Whoa, this is cool, right dad?" Frank whispered, quite amazed.

His father turned to him lovingly and grunted twice. Frank shrugged, and then looked back out the window. By now the ground was pretty darn far away, and the people looked like little ants.

After god knows how long, the red seat-belt light finally went off, and everyone proceeded to walk around the overcrowded airplane. Frank quickly jumped out of his seat (before noticing he hadn't undone his seat belt), and was suddenly jerked back down. He looked around fast to see if anyone had noticed. Not hearing any laughter, he undid the belt and stood up. After a yawn and a stretch, he decided to roam the aisles and see who else was on-board.

On his little escapade, Frank met some very interesting people. One lady had a bright red hat on with various fruits glued to it. One man wore a purple tuxedo, and held a shiny accordion on his lap, humming a tune. A small child screamed endlessly, while several chickens pecked his eyes out. Over near the corner a wild boar was being roasted by some local savages. And near the front of the plane, there was a big metal door. Panged with curiosity, he decided to investigate. As he neared the door, a different stewardess told him not to go near it, but he wasn't really paying attention though, and ignored her.

He quietly opened the door, and saw two bum's eating donuts, with their feet up on the console. Frank tip-toed in and started flicking switches (just for fun). After several minutes, the pilot turned around and noticed him. Jumping up, (and banging his head on a big red button in the process), he proceeded to pull a .44 Magnum out of his jacket. The co-pilot grabbed his arm,

"Dammit Jim, he's only a boy!"

The fierce tempered pilot shrugged then sat down again to finish his donut. As he returned to his seat, Frank blurted out,

"What does that spinning dial mean?"

The captain looked to where he was pointing, "That's the altitude boy."

"Should it be spinning like that?!" Frank asked questioningly.

"Nope, that means we're going down...fast!" The captain replied, "Oh damn! We're going down!" It finally clued in.

After pressing dozens of buttons, switches, and kicking everything that was in sight, the plane leveled off again.

"Dammit boy, get outta here before you kill us all!" He swore viciously.

Frank shrugged, and left. Out in the aisle again, he had a fresh view. Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed a grey grasshopper happily chewing on one of the stewardesses' arms, while a rabid cow kicked her knee's out from under her. Frank laughed out loud at the sight.

"Who woulda thunk it!" He said to himself.

Continuing down the aisle, he tripped over a guppy that was flopping around unmercifully.

"Poor little thing" Frank thought sympathetically, then ripped off a nearby ladies high-heeled shoe, and proceeded to beat it to death.

"Now, isn't that better?" Frank asked with a look of insanity in his eyes.

Frank hummed, while walking down the aisle, "Here comes a prince, there goes a Jew, this one's a queer, but what can ya do?" while laughing hysterically.

After what seemed like hours of endless walking, he finally reached his seat again. His father was reading a newspaper.

"Where'd ya get the paper from dad?" He asked.

"Ehhhug," his father replied.

Frank shrugged then fell into his seat.

"YOWWWWW!"

He jumped up and noticed someone had put a tack on his seat. He looked around viciously and saw the old lady in the seat behind him giggling satanically.

"Did you put that there?" Frank growled.

She gave him an innocent grin, then nodded. He glared at her and then sat down again. Frank looked out the window, and saw a man ballet dancing with a gorilla on the wing. He gasped loudly. `I've been on this plane too long' Frank thought to himself, `I need some air'. He proceeded to get up out of his seat and walk towards the rear of the plane.

Near the back of the plane, he noticed several op figures. A man with no arms or legs hung from the roof of the plane, while an extremely tall man with extremely long side-burns beat him with his nightstick. After several strong beatings, the man exploded spraying his guts half way across the plane. Frank was pelted with a variety of internal organs.

He continued on his way until he came to a door that read, "Employee's Only", and decided to investigate. He opened the door, and saw rack after rack of frozen food trays. A large smile crossed his face, as he greedily dove in and ate every single tray of food on the plane. His face was caked with jelly, chicken, and meatball surprise. In the back of the room, he noticed several cages with different animals in them, they mostly contained rats, but one had a dog, another two cats, and several other small animals.

"Wonder what those are for," he pondered out loud.

Then he noticed a small tag around one of the rats necks, `Dinner', it read. Frank thought hard for several minutes before clueing in,

"Guess he's the meatball surprise." He laughed.

When he was bored with that room, he exited back into the aisle, and saw several stewardesses talking.

"Excuse me sir, this area is for employee's only, please return to your seat!" One said to him rudely.

He grumbled then threatened to tell everyone about the meatball surprise if they didn't let him do what he wanted to. They finally agreed, and Frank continued on his merry way. At the end of the plane, he saw a big red door. He grinned evilly, thinking of all the fun things he could do, when he heard a knock at the door. He thought he was hearing things, but then heard it again. He quickly opened the door, taking great care not to fly out of the plane in the process. The Gorilla and the man dancing on the wing came in.

"Thanks man, dancing lesson's are over for this guy. He's got no rhythm at all!" the man grumbled.

The gorilla made a face and then started pounding the man on the head with his giant fist. Frank laughed out loud.

As soon as the gorilla and the man with the punched in head returned to their seats, Frank noticed some bungee jumping equipment near the door. His face lit up, as he quickly slipped into the gear. Opening the door again, he quickly jumped out. Soon after, he remembered that he had forgotten to attach the other end of the bungee cord to the plane. He swore profusely. `Oh well, I've led a full life', he thought to himself as he screamed, his voice echoing for miles around. Moments into the free fall, he landed on something hard and scaly. He looked down nervously to see if his body was a pile of red and black gunk. He was relieved to see that he had landed on a large dragon that had been following the plane for several hours.

"Holy shit!" Frank swore.

"Watch your mouth." the Dragon replied.

"You can talk?!", Frank stammered.

"Aren't we the brilliant one," the Dragon replied smugly.

"Thanks!"

"It wasn't a compliment, you imbecile."

"It wasn't? Oh, then I take it back."

"You just do that."

"Why did you save me?"

"It's been a slow day"

"Do you have a name?"

"Do you?"

"Yes,"

"Then so do I."

"Well?"

"Well what?"

"Well, what's your name?"

"Dragon,"

"How unique."

"Watch it. I'm in control here, and don't you forget it."

"I'll try not to. Say, what colour are you?"

"What, are you colour blind?"

"Well, sort of."

"Figures."

"What's that suppose to mean!?"

"Just what I said, don't you understand?"

"Of course I understand!!"

"Then what do I mean?"

"Well, uhhm, errr..."

"Didn't think so."

"I do to know!! I just forgot, that's all!"

"Of course you did."

"Are you being sarcastic?"

"How did you ever guess?"

"Lucky I suppose."

"Why not."

"So Mister Dragon dude, tell me about yourself,"

"Why should I?"

"Why not?"

"Good reason."

"Thank you. Go on,"

"My name is Dragon. I'm black, and I'm proud."

"I'm Frank, I'm here with my father."

"I don't see your father."

"He's on the Plane we're flying behind."

"Why aren't you on the plane?"

"I went bungee jumping, and forgot to attach it to the plane."

"How'd I guess?"

"Guess what?"

"Nothing, go back to sleep."

"But it's not bedtime."

"That's it, I can't stand you anymore. I'll fly over one of the wings, and you jump off."

"What if I miss?"

"Then the world will be a better place."

"Huh?"

"Forget it."

"I can do that."

"Uh-huh." The Dragon proceeded to fly over the plane's wing. "Alright, jump!" It commanded.

Frank nodded, shut his eyes and then jumped. At first he thought he would miss for sure, but when he landed with a definite THUD, he was pretty sure he had landed on the plane. He opened his eyes and looked around, he had landed on the wing all right. The wind blew through his hair wildly as he fought not to get blown off. Suddenly a small insect hit him in the eye, he rubbed it, and flew off the wing of the plane.

"Damn!" He mumbled to himself, not yet aware he had blown off the wing of the plane.

When he finally got the bug out of his eye, he noticed the plane was way ahead of him, he screamed violently. Frantically he called for the Dragon. It was nowhere to be seen.

"You stupid imbecile!!" A voice growled.

Frank looked down; he noticed he was lying on the Dragon's back.

"Phew! Could we try that again? A bug flew in my eye." Frank said calmly.

The Dragon gave an exasperated look, then caught up with the plane again.

"Now get off, and stay off!"

"Sure."

Once again, Frank jumped off the Dragon's back, and landed on a wing. This time he made sure he had a good grip on the wing, then slowly edged his way to the back of it.

"Wow, there's the engine." Frank exclaimed excitedly. "Wonder what would happen if I put this wrench into it", Frank pulled out a wrench (that just happened to appear out of nowhere). After pondering the outcome for a while, he decidedly tossed it in. Loud crunching noises emitted from it.

"Ooooo! Ahhhhh!" Frank purred. "I guess I better be getting back inside before they serve the food." He thought out loud.

He continued to climb back to the door at the rear of the plane, and re-enter it. The stewardesses were busy looking for the food, which had mysteriously disappeared. He quickly pushed his way through them and returned to his seat.

"I want some eats!" He demanded angrily.

"Err, there doesn't seem to be any..." A nervous stewardess replied.

A violent reaction took over the passengers, and they started shouting out threats and throwing eggs, (that just happened to appear out of nowhere). She screamed and jumped out of the plane. Several minutes later, she landed on someone's picket fence somewhere in Ohio.

One of the other stewardesses quickly tried to calm to passengers, the plane was full of phrases like `Off with her head!' and `If they don't feed us, we'll torture her'.

"Now please, everyone! Just calm down a minute." She pleaded, but to no avail. They rushed her, and pulled her apart by the seams. First a leg, then an arm, this went on until only a small pile of intestines remained in the aisle.

Frank sat back, and slurped up the remainder of her spleen, while he hide a kidney under his shirt for desert. His father, who hadn't moved since he had gotten on the plane give him a disapproving look, then grunted.

Meanwhile, a loud `clanking' noise kept getting louder. Frank decided to tell the captain, being the good Samaritan that he was. He walked into the cockpit,

"Do you hear that clanking sound cap'in?" Frank questioned.

There was no reply from the Captain.

"Hello? Are you alive?!"

"What?! Just a bleed'in minute boy," he proceeded to take off his blaring walkman. "Now, what were you saying you bucket of soggy goat manure? Didn't I tell you to go away?"

"Well...yes, but I'm back. There's a clanking sound, can you hear it?"

"Yeah, what about it?"

"Is it supposed to do that?"

"Of course not."

"Oh, okay, bye." Frank left.

"Noise...pfft!" Captain Kirk commented.

"Err, Captain, perhaps we should look into it?" The co-pilot cut in.

"Why?! We're all going to die anyway, the sooner the better if you ask me, I read ahead and the plane's going to crash soon anyway. If I were to `look into it', I'd find out that that punk threw a wrench into the engine, and that there was no hope of fixing it in time. We'd try and get it out only seconds before we crashed into a mountain that just happened to appear out of nowhere. Why bother trying at all? Anyway, I'm on strike, so just stay outta my way."

"You're mad!!" the co-pilot growled.

"So be it. You're still young; you have yet to learn the word of the author is the word of fate. If she says we're going to crash, we're going to crash. Pity the man who defies her, she can get pretty nasty I hear."

"Well I won't just sit here, waiting till she decides to kill us all, if there's something I can do to try and stop her, I'll certainly try my best!"

"Have it your way."

The co-pilot stormed out of the cockpit, and quickly walked to the rear of the plane. He heard a squishing sound. He looked down and noticed he had stepped into a pile of something that looked like intestines. "Ehk!" he grunted wiping his shoe on someone's armrest. He kicked a bagman out of his way and wondered how he had gotten on the plane. Not really caring, he pushed his way to the end of the plane. Upon reaching the door, he quickly took off his co-pilot jacket and started rolling up his sleeves for no apparent reason. He then attached the bungee cables to his ankles, and put on a parachute. He opened the door, and the suction almost pulled him out of the plane.

"Whoa now lil'doggie," the co-pilot muttered to himself.

He carefully climbed out onto the wing of the plane, taking great deliberations not to plummet to his death. He inched his way toward one of the engines. He listened carefully for a moment and then decided he was at the right one. Then he pulled out a large iron bar from his pocket, and stuck it into the engine trying to probe for the wrench. After several attempts to no avail, his legs started to cramp. He growled offensively. Then stood up on the wing to straighten out his legs. He was in mid flight before it dawned on him that he had fallen off the wing.

While enjoying the fleeting sensation of freefall, he remembered the ground was closing in on him, and fast! He hurriedly pulled the cable on the parachute. Instead of a parachute, a pair of oversized underwear came out. Buckets of sweat poured off his face, until he realized that although it was op, it was working. He slowly floated to the ground safely.

Meanwhile, back on the plane, the captain sat with his feet up on the console, stuffing potato chips in his mouth, and listening to his walkman. The passengers, once again in a feeding frenzy, ate the remaining stewardesses, and several goats. In a different corner of the plane, a llama, a moose, and a rabbi were discussing plans to conquer the world using lima beans and sheep dip. The noise kept getting louder.

Back on planet earth, the co-pilot landed safe and sound on a farm somewhere in Ottawa. Jumping for joy, he slipped on a banana peel, and was quickly rushed to the hospital. Later he learned that he had had two toes removed, a kidney, his left ear, and a few fingers just for fun. But he was still happy he was alive, and wasn't killed in the crash, "It was worth it!" he kept muttering to himself and anyone who would listen.

On the plane however, things weren't looking so bright. The noise was now deafening, and plane shook violently. The passengers began to wonder what was going on. No one said anything though, that's just the way things are I suppose. Either that or the purple dwarf had turned all their minds to a smoldering blob of jello vomit. But the plane held fast. Not breaking up or out...yet. The minutes flew by like minutes, as the captain was doing the twist in the cockpit.

"Don't worry everyone, I personally know the captain, and he's doing everything in his power to fix the plane." Frank said out of the blue, totally unaware that the captain was now doing the hippy-hippy-shake.

The lights suddenly started to flicker, not that anyone noticed though; it was two in the afternoon. All of a sudden, the noise stopped, mind you, so did the engine.

"See," Frank bragged, while the captain spilled a coke all over the console, "no more noise!"

The other engine also stopped...to be dramatic I guess. The plane tilted forward and started going down fast. Everyone screamed, not knowing why, but they screamed loudly.

"Ahhh Shaddup already!" the captain screamed.

"Oh no!" a passenger fainted.

"Oh yes!" the captain yelled.

A mountain appeared out of nowhere in front of the plane.

"We're going to crash." another gasped.

The plane crashed into the mountain.

"Am I dead?!" questioned Frank.

"You're so bloody pathetic!!" growled the captain. "If you were dead you wouldn't be here, you'd be in Florida."

"What happened then?" someone asked.

Looking out of the window, Frank noticed they were soaring among the clouds once again. He gasped out loud "Look! We didn't crash. I'm alive! We're all alive! But how..."

"At the last second the author changed her mind, and decided that it would be too predictable if we all crashed I suppose." the captain murmured. "Ha! Poor Joe (the co-pilot), he bailed out so he wouldn't get it, and he got it! Hahaha!"

The plane continued on its way, and made it to it's destination within thirty seconds of the non-existent crash into the non-existant mountain.