Something Completely Different
Babycakes was a sweet young man from Philadelphia. His girlfriend, Sweetcheeks, and her sister, Honeybear were both affectionately referred to as "the pookey sisters". No one really knows why. Actually I think they made it up themselves. Pookey, pfft, what kind of a name is that? It's ridiculous! But their real names weren't much better, so who cares anyway. Getting on with the story, however, Babycakes was fishing one weekend when he fell in a lake and drowned. Poor Babycakes. He didn't really drown, the piranhas got him. It was a nasty lake. In fact, it was called "Lake Nasty" and just below the sign that said "Lake Nasty" there was a picture of a piranha, but Babycakes wasn't known for his intelligence. Had he been a wee bit smarter, perhaps he wouldn't have taken his Metallica CDs out on the lake and listen to them, dancing in the boat while fishing. It's not very wise to headbang on a little boat in rough waters. Well, not even in calm waters. Especially with his eyes closed and after having consumed several alcoholic beverages. But like I said, wisdom was not his forte.
It was two whole days before the news hit Sweetcheeks. And it actually hit her; someone slapped her in the face with the letter. She cried and cried, but deep down in her heart she knew that Babycakes wasn't her true love, for she really loved Zorro. "Now there's a mans man!" she was often found spouting. Honeybear also had a crush on Zorro, only she wasn't aware that he was gay unlike her sister.
Sweetcheeks had forgotten about Babycakes soon after his untimely death and focused her sights on Zorro. She was convinced she could turn him straight if only they spent a little time together. The problem was, however, Honeybear was always in the way hanging around her older sister (that would be Sweetcheeks for those with short memories). Sweetcheeks bought a gun (don't worry, just a little gun...a lighter actually) and threatened to kill Honeybear with it if she wrecked her evil plan to seduce Zorro. Honeybear was horrified and ran away from home never to be seen until I say so.
Alone and dressed to the nines, Sweetcheeks hit the streets. Mistaken as for a prostitute by some, she strutted down the Avenue late that night.
"Zorro...Zorro...oh Zorro" She hollered, but to no avail. He was not to be found anywhere. She scratched her head and just couldn't grasp the concept of Hollywood. "Every time someone calls his name in the movies, he rides in on his black stallion and saves the day. Why won't he come when I call him?" she wondered to herself. Then she had an idea. Rare, I know...but this is fiction remember. She climbed up a nearby tree and fell out of it while calling Zorro".
As she lay on her back on the cold concrete she mused that her arm was probably broken. Not being educated in swear words she cursed, "gosh darn it!" instead. She got back up on her feet and continued to wonder around the neighbourhood. After several hours, her feet were sore and Zorro was still not to be found. She stopped in at the local coffee shop to rethink her plan.
"Hey Sweetcheeks, what are you doing out this late and dressed like a slut?" The waiter, Dandyman asked.
"Oh just shut up and give me a Super Sundae, Dandyman. I'm in no mood for your satanic sense of humour." She replied dourly.
"Don't you mean sarcastic?" He asked while chuckling at her stupidity. "Say, where's your sister?"
"I don't know. I scared her away with my lighter. She's out of my way...but I can't find Zorro!" She griped.
"Ohh, still after Zorro, are you? Try that new all-male club: Himbo's. He usually hangs out there with his boyfriend, Batman." Dandyman offered.
"Oh gosh, thanks Dandyman. That's just a super idea!" And with a shot she was off. Well...there really wasn't any shot, but if there was it would have sounded probably like thunder only sharper like lightening.
On the other side of town, Honeybear was sitting on a park bench, feeding some owls small rodents when she suddenly had the feeling she was being watched.
"Is anybody there?" She called out into the darkness.
A skinny, pale girl came out of an alley and asked, "Got a light?"
"What?" The slightly hard of hearing Honeybear asked.
"Would you light my flamethrower?" The girl known as Flambay inquired.
"What for?"
"So I can burn all these damn rats. They keep coming in my alley and eating my gum." Flambay explained.
"Err, sure..." She pulled out a lighter (a bic) and lit the girls flamethrower. A fireworks display followed. Flames soared up high into the night sky. Leaving the smell of burnt fur behind. Both girls giggled. They spent the rest of the night falling in love with each other and burning rats.
Sweetcheeks walked up to the door of Himbo's and opened it, boldly walking in. She looked around and could see nothing but naked men and porno videos. She tapped a rather big gentleman on the shoulder and asked if he knew if Zorro was there. He pointed to the main stage. There was Zorro all right. Dancing. Wearing nothing but his mask, his cape, and a big smile. With Batman beside him wearing only his cowl, cape, and utility belt. Sweetcheeks ran up to the stage and threw herself at Zorro.
"Oh Zorro, you don't know how much I love you. How I've longed for you all these years!" She poured out her heart to this total stranger.
"Beat it, chick." Zorro replied gruffly. "Batman's the only one for me now."
"But I'm much better. I've got breasts!!! We can have little caped babies together...a family!" She pled.
"Batman was born with a woman reproductive organs, so there. I don't need your ho shit." Zorro swore at her.
Sweetcheeks was appalled and ran out of the building crying her eyes out. She ran blindly down the street in her deep despair.
"There she is!" Honeybear shouted, pointing to her beloved sister. "Nuke her, Flam!"
Flambay aimed her flamethrower at Sweetcheeks and put her out of her misery.