DISCLAIMER AND AUTHOR'S NOTE: All Buffy The Vampire Slayer stuff belongs to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy and Warner Brothers. No copyright infringement was intended in the writing of this fiction. All other characters that appear belong to me. This story cannot be sold or used for profit in any way. Copies may be made for private use only and must include this copyright notice and disclaimer. There is some subtext in this story. If this kind of stuff is not legal where you live, if you're under 18 or if you don't like the notion of two women being in love, then you should find something else to read. This story is set at the end of the Buffy episode Who Are You. A snippet.

Payback
By Kristjan Brezovnik

Faith stared. At the cargo train. She just stood. And stared. Until the train left. And she still stood and stared. And tried not to think. Unsuccessfully. The memories were all too fresh. And painful. She was disgusted. With herself. She didn't know if there was anything worse than what she had already done. To Buffy. Stole her body. Her life. Made her live her own life. Faith's life. If it could be called a life. It was more of an existence. And endurance. To see how long she would last. But it had to stop. Now. The voice in her head protested. The one whose job it was to keep her alive. That made her survive. For a while she wanted to just get on the train and leave. Then she wanted to throw herself under the train. And while her conscience… Conscience? Something. While… it was telling her not to run, the other voice was telling her not to kill herself. She was disgusted. She was a coward. But if she couldn't do it, someone else would. Might. Buffy. She had hurt her. Killing her would give Buffy a chance to pay her back. Justice. Yes.

She turned and walked away. And she kept walking. Back to town. Back to Buffy. Toward Hell. Waiting. For Buffy to find her.

"Faith!"

She stopped, startled. She looked. And saw. Her. Buffy. She turned. And walked. And when Buffy was close enough, her stake ready, Faith fell to her knees. Spread her arms. Closed her eyes. Let the tears flow. Leaned her head back. And waited. For death. For justice.

Buffy was there a couple of moments later, her stake ready. But when she saw that Faith wasn't going to fight, she just started beating her, venting her anger.

Faith felt the pain. She waited. For the death blow. That would give Buffy peace. It didn't come. She waited. Feeling the blows. Happy. To be able to give Buffy a chance. To pay her back.

And then all was black.

Buffy kept kicking Faith until she just couldn't kick any longer. Not because she was tired physically, but because she was tired emotionally. All the anger seemed to have left her and all that was left was pain. And sorrow. Although she wasn't sure whether she was sorry about what Faith had done to her and her friends or because of Faith. She fell to her knees and cried for a few minutes.

Then she looked at Faith. And frowned. Why hadn't Faith fought back? Why did she come back at all? Why did she fall to her knees? Has she actually been crying? She was confused. She didn't understand. But she wanted to. She needed to.

She picked up Faith and carried her to the mansion.

When Faith woke up, everything was dark. Was that Hell? Eternal darkness? She didn't know. She waited. Then the pain set in. Yes, definitely Hell. Then she heard noise. Noise? She realized her eyes were closed. She tried to open them, but only succeeded with one. For some reason the other failed to open. She looked around, but her vision was fuzzy. She tried to move, but felt she was chained. Chained? Her vision cleared. She knew this place. The mansion. This was Hell? Then she saw someone approach. She knew that figure. Buffy. Was Buffy also in Hell? Or was this just some strange trick the Devil came up with to torture her. She frowned as an even worse scenario came to mind. Was she still alive?

She tried to sit, but her body protested, so she didn't move. She waited. For her. For Buffy. To come closer.

"Am I… alive?" she croaked.

Buffy kneeled in front of her.

"Yes."

"Why?"

Buffy frowned, confused.

"Why?"

"Why didn't you… kill me?"

Suddenly Buffy understood. Faith wanted her to kill her.

"Why should I?"

"I… hurt you. Thought… you'd want to… pay back."

Buffy stared at Faith, understanding.

"You thought that would make it up?"

"No. It was a… start. Thought… it would make you… feel better."

Buffy stared at Faith and noticed that tears were running down her cheeks. She wasn't sure whether Faith didn't notice it or she just didn't care. Or she just couldn't do anything about it, which was more logical.

"I'm… sorry."

"What?" Buffy said, surprised.

"I'm… sorry," Faith repeated. "For… hurting you. Never meant to…" She coughed blood. "I… I…"

"What?" Buffy asked when Faith didn't continue.

Faith sighed.

"Nothing," she said, but Buffy knew that she was hiding something.

"Damn it, Faith, why can't you level with me?" she said.

"It doesn't… matter."

"It obviously does if you wanted to bring it up."

"It's… too late."

"How about you let me be the judge of that?"

Faith shook her head.

"Don't wanna… hurt you… more."

Buffy was surprised.

"Hurt me?"

"Yes," Faith said and closed her eyes as more tears came running down her cheeks.

Buffy sighed, surprised that she wasn't angry with Faith anymore.

"Look, Faith, this non-communication got us here in the first place. Can't you just say what's on your mind?"

"Always have," Faith said. "You… never noticed."

"What?" Buffy said, surprised. "What do you mean?"

"It doesn't… matter. Just wanna… take away… your pain."

"Then start by telling me the truth. I need to understand why you've done the things you've done."

Faith started to laugh, but laughter quickly turned into painful cough.

"Don't know… myself." She thought for a moment. "I was… scared. Alone."

"What do you mean? Faith?"

Faith passed out again. Buffy swore under her breath. She stared at Faith for a while and then suddenly realized that Faith might die. And while that wouldn't have bothered her half a day ago, now things were different, her anger was spent. And she was curious. She sighed and unchained Faith. She carried her to the sofa and laid her down. Then she got some cloth and some water and she started to clean Faith's wounds.

When Faith woke up again, the pain was still there, but she felt warmer. Was she finally in Hell? In the eternal fire? She moved and felt something soft. Soft? In Hell? Not very likely. So, she was still alive. She sighed and tried to open her eyes. This time both of them opened. She blinked. The light was on. She looked around and saw Buffy sitting in a chair, thinking.

Buffy noticed the movement and she looked at Faith. She hesitated for a moment.

"How do you feel?"

"Five by five."

Buffy sighed.

"You wanted to tell me something before you passed."

"I don't… remember."

"Damn it, Faith, stop lying," Buffy said, upset, and Faith looked away, ashamed. Buffy sighed again, thinking about what to say. "You said you were scared. Alone. Scared of what? Alone? You had me. My friends."

Faith wanted to laugh again, but she changed her mind, remembering the last time. So she just closed her eyes and sighed.

"You said you wanted to take away my pain," Buffy continued. "It's not gonna go away until I understand why you've done what you've done. So please, talk to me."

Faith opened her eyes and looked at her. She stared at her for a while, scared of telling Buffy the truth. Scared of hurting her even more.

"It might hurt you," she croaked.

"Perhaps," Buffy said, hoping Faith would finally start talking. "But no knowing hurts even more."

Faith looked away, sighing again, this time nearly sobbing.

They sat quietly, Faith gathering the courage to finally open her soul to Buffy, Buffy patiently waiting to learn the truth and perhaps finally understand Faith. And perhaps forgive her.

"My life was a bitch," Faith finally started. "Dad left, Mom drank and… beat me. Becoming a Slayer finally gave my life some meaning. My Watcher was the first person to give a damn about me, but she only gave a damn because I was a Slayer. She was distant. And then I couldn't protect her from Kakistos. And I ran away." She paused for a few moments. "I thought Kakistos wouldn't follow me to Sunnydale, 'cause then he would have to face two Slayers. But he came and I wanted to run again. But you stopped me and you stood by me. I admired you. You had a great mom, a wonderful Watcher and friends who stood by you and who helped you out." She paused for a moment. "I wanted to be friends with all of you, but I was scared. I acted tough and I pushed you away. I didn't think I deserved friends. And you didn't care. And I felt alone. I didn't belong. I… I… I…" She stopped, trying to gather the courage to say what she should have said a year ago. "I love you, Buffy," she said and flinched as she imagined disgust in Buffy's eyes. She gulped. "I tried to tell you that in the only way I knew how to, with sexual innuendoes. But you didn't get it. Or you just didn't care. I don't know. And I didn't really feel that I deserved your love. Or your friendship. And then I… I…" She stopped for a few moments to calm down. "Then I killed Finch. I was scared out of my mind. I wanted to run, but I dumped the body instead. I wanted to make it okay so badly that I convinced myself that it didn't matter. I was a Slayer, shit happened. But I was still scared. I tried to tell you that when you came to my motel room, but I didn't know if you cared. So I said nothing. I saw the way everyone looked at me, like I was bad, so I decided to live up to your expectations. I went to the Mayor and he… he treated me like I've always wanted to be treated. With respect. I know he was a sick psychotic bastard and perhaps that's why I felt that I deserved his love. He made me feel loved and wanted, even if he sent me out to do his dirty work. He was the family I never had. And I was jealous of Angel, because he had you. And I was angry with you for choosing a vampire over me. And you forgave him after all that he had done to you, but you couldn't forgive me for killing Finch. So I decided that one of us had to go. Or perhaps both, I wasn't sure what the outcome would be." She stopped for a few moments, trying hard not to sob. "And then I woke up and the Mayor was dead. And you had a new boyfriend. I was pissed. And when I was in your body, I saw how much you really hated me. Everyone, except your mom. She was the only one that believed in me, in spite of the fact that I had held her at knifepoint." She paused for a moment. "And then I became you. I wasn't Faith anymore, I was Buffy, I was the hero. And I fucked, what's his name, Riley, so I would see what he had that I didn't. Just like I wanted to sleep with Angel. I wanted to leave the country, I was already at the airport, waiting to board the plane, when I found out those vamps took over the church. I tried to convince myself that it didn't matter, they weren't my problem. But I couldn't. I was Buffy, I helped people. So I went back." She paused for a moment, calming herself. "And then you came. Faith, the psychotic bitch, the traitor, the killer. And I wanted to punish Faith. And then I was me again, the psychotic bitch. And I did what I always did. I ran. But somewhere along the way my mind finally caught up with what I've done. I wanted to kill myself, but I couldn't. So I came back, to you, so you would do it for me and maybe finally felt the satisfaction of defeating me."

She closed her eyes and finally let tears run down her cheeks.

Buffy stared at Faith, shocked. She had no idea that Faith had felt this way. Or that she was in love with her. Sure, she had noticed the innuendoes, but she thought that that's all they were, smart ass remarks, she had no idea that Faith was telling her in her own way that she loved her. And she had no idea that Faith felt so alone, like she didn't belong. But then she realized that they never really tried to include her, that they left her all alone in that sleazy motel room when Giles could've taken her in, or she and her mom could. And it surprised her that Faith had such a low opinion of herself, but then it wasn't really surprising, considering the childhood she had. No wonder she wasn't good at expressing her feelings. She suddenly understood why Faith had sex with so many people. It wasn't the sex, it was the feeling of being loved, even if it lasted for less than an hour. And she didn't know how to love others since she didn't love herself and was never loved.

She sighed. She felt like she was the densest person in the world. If she had only had the courage to tell Faith how she felt about her. She frowned. How she still felt about her. In spite of what had happened, she still cared… No, she corrected herself, she still loved Faith. If Angel hadn't come back when he had, she might even had gathered the courage to tell Faith. She smiled inwardly as she realized that she too was looking for someone to love her. Angel had been there when she needed him. Parker had been another replacement, only he used her. And now there was Riley. She sighed. It was a mess.

"Faith," she said and Faith looked at her. "I love you too."

Faith blinked, surprised, and then snorted.

"Yeah, right."

"I do, I just never… I was never sure how you felt about me and I had no idea that those innuendoes of yours, well, that you were actually trying to tell me that you loved me. You were always get some, get gone and I didn't know that you wanted anything but a quick fuck. And then Angel came back and my feelings for him resurfaced." She sighed. "And you're right, we never worried about including you. You always came and went as you pleased and since you seemed so carefree, we thought that if you wanted to be with us, you would come to us. We never thought… We shouldn't have let you stay in that motel and we should've tried harder to make you feel welcome. I know I should have. But you never talked about yourself and we thought that you were cool with things the way they were." She paused for a moment. "I should've known that you were scared after you killed Finch, hell, I was scared myself. It wasn't so long ago that I was accused of murdering Kendra. And then Mom found out I was a Slayer and we had an argument and she threw me out." She sighed. "I just didn't know what to do. And as for Riley…" She sighed again. "I was desperate after Angel left. You were in coma and I still felt guilty for putting you there, so I tried not to think about you. I fell in… Well, I thought I fell in love with a guy named Parker, but he only used me for a quick screw. And I was hurt after he dumped me. And then Riley came along and he comforted me. He's nice, but he doesn't understand all this Slayer stuff." She paused for a moment. "And sometimes I… I wonder why the hell I'm with him," she admitted and looked down. "Now I know. The same reason you had so many one night stands, I was looking for someone to love, someone who would understand what being a Slayer means. Only you do."

Faith stared at her, surprised.

"So you loved Kendra too?" she asked and immediately regretted it.

Buffy bit her teeth.

"No. She was, I don't know, like a killing machine designed to kill demons. We had a bond, but it was nowhere nearly as strong as the one we have. She didn't understand that there was more to life than just killing demons, you did. But you had other problems, just like I did." She sighed. "I'm sorry things got so out of hand."

Faith stared at her for a few moments and then sighed as well.

"Me too."

They stared at one another for a while until Faith looked away.

"You think we can start over?" Buffy then asked.

Faith looked at her, surprised.

"You still want to be friends with me? After all I've done to you?"

Buffy shrugged.

"I want to be more than just friends with you. I love you. And I forgive you. And we both deserve to be happy. You need someone to love and be loved by and so do I."

"What about Riley?"

Buffy sighed.

"He's a nice guy and I don't want to hurt him, but I don't love him." She thought for a moment. "I'm gonna break up with him no matter what your answer is."

"My answer?" Faith asked, puzzled.

"Whether you think we can start over."

"Oh." Faith stared at Buffy for a while, scared. "Are you sure it's a good idea? I only hurt the ones I love." She looked down. "You."

"That's because you hide your feelings. But if we become… lovers, then you'll have to be honest with me and I'll be honest with you. And if we're both honest, we won't need to worry about hurting one another."

Faith stared at Buffy, thinking about it. She wasn't used to talking about her feelings, but this conversation was a good example that perhaps she should try it more often. At least with Buffy. She smiled shyly.

"Okay."

Buffy's eyes brightened and she smiled. She offered her hand to Faith, who stared at it for a few moments and then slowly reached out with her own, surprised that she wasn't tied. Their hands touched and they stared at one another for a few moments before Faith withdrew her hand, which was still hurting her.

"Now what?" Faith asked.

Buffy thought for a moment.

"Now we get you home, I guess."

"Home? Your home?" Faith asked, surprised.

"Yes."

"Are you sure?"

Buffy smiled.

"You said it yourself, Mom believed in you when I didn't. And besides, we need to clean you up first and you need some rest. We both do. And tomorrow we'll think of the future. Together."

Faith smiled and coughed.

"Thank you."

Buffy smiled back.

"You're welcome." She got up. "Come, let me help you."

She removed the blanket and then helped Faith up. Faith was in pain, but she didn't want Buffy to feel guilty about it, so she said nothing. But Buffy felt Faith's stiffness and she supported her. Then they went home. Their home.

The End