20.march.99
A couple days ago I have seen one girl. Yesterday I have seen two (or may be even three) girls. So I proceed.
First I've seen was on the street, hailing car. Of course she would never pay any fare. It was a very fashionable strict of city and she was the most fashionable part of it. There was bright sunny day. She was on the opposite side of street. She was standing and smiling. Probably she smiled to passing car drivers but her glance was falling right at me. (She was with the sun glasses, so the most of the men in the street could imagine the same, I think). I don't want to depict her but you can rely on my word she was stylish to a T. It was strange but no one "ordinary" car stopped. Probably they thought they don't worth to lift her. This scene took less than half a minute, and very expensive car stopped near her. She climbed practically without asking as it was her car. I don't think much about this case. She was in the different level. Funny thing the class restrictions deal only with men. Any (very stylish) girl can hail any car or any man from any upper class.
Another girl was selling flowers in the pedestrian subway. She was young pretty and of simple kind. I wondered, how such girl can sell flowers. It was not appropriate type for selling flowers. Probably the slump made her to do it. And this is much better then to prostitute. I made my mind to pay attention to her on my way back. And when I returned lately, she was on the same place. I took a scrutiny look of her but it was not she who drew my attention. Not far from her tough guy stood. His face had smug sticky expression. After selling that girl carried her earnings to other guy. You can easily conjure them up as impecunious student's family, which had money someday, (have-been students). And this approves my sick theory that every pretty girl has at least one beloved. And what fool of myself I would make if I tried to make acquaintance.
But my head was not much preoccupied by thoughts of her, because ten minutes ago I have seen real paragon between girls. I stood in the train near door, I have seen her in the mob, and she came in my door, so I had time to glance at her. She was perfect. It is very difficult to describe her properly. If I was 18 I would say she is 25. But I'm now 25. There is a paradox. I messed up in the time. Her being her experience was far above mine. Probably such kind of feeling a child has when he thinks about grown-ups. And I cannot say that she is older then me. Her skin and all her bearing and features was out of time and personified universal youth. I felt at once as an old child. This is the most gruesome thing to have enfeebled body and brain and stay infantile at the same time. I understood I should save myself. So I tried to find a flaw in her. Usually I began to look at somebody's parts separately and it helped me greatly. But with her it was different. For example - her hair - they were splendid. She had very exquisite haircut. Her hair flow down her head and then flow down her neck and descended upon her shoulders. Her eyes - they had steady glance and showed perfect physical and mental health. I don't say about her lips, cheeks, chin, neck and deportment - they were excellent and in my favorite fashion. I only can say I tried to make something of the shape of her nose. But no, it was perfect too. And even her height matched me. But imagine it was all perfect merged together. And general impression was immeasurably exponentiated. I don't want to say she was a garish sort of girl. On the contrary she had nothing of gaudiness. Don't think I lost my head. I evaluate her features separately, didn't find the one flaw and was taken to the heel by theirs composition.
It was crazy, ultimately crazy. I was ashamed of my decrepitude, of my swollen face and infantile infirmity. I even didn't feel I had right to come to her and make her compliment. Probably the same thing happened to car drivers in the case above. And it was far bitter she was on my level because she was in the subway. Of course it was only one reason when I can call her to be on my level. But this is unfair. Why do you must to deserve the right to make good things to anyone, to gift anything, to make life happier to anybody?