Dreams

10.march.99

As a rule I see geographical or rather topographical dreams. In good dreams I see good big trees. I proud to think I remember all my topographical dreams and there are many, many unreal places, which I remember vividly. You can call them childish dreams because I feel everywhere comparatively accustomed, but when you are a child the neighbor residential area is seem to you so strange.

I have nightmares sometimes. There are always preparing for exams, or rather wandering about it. The most fearful of it is that this nightmares are nor the worse nor the better than exams in real life. As a rule I don't know what and where and when I must take the exams I only definitely know that they are right now. The worst of it is I must tell lies. This is the one way I can go through it successfully.

I see erotic dreams very seldom, one dream in three or four years. And they are unprovoked and not very mmm .... but by all means interesting and invigorative.

3 days ago I have seen good dream with nice rather unreal landscape and huge pine. 2 days ago I have seen nightmare with thinking of preparing exams. And yesterday I have seen e-dream with voluptuous girl without any particular scenario.

One day I said to my former acquaintance that I feel ashamed of myself in the dreams. She asked "why?" And I answered: "Because I am not pretending in the dreams. I feel and behave as a child. I haven't any social status, nor good, nor bad. And as a rule I am alone. It's true I'm alone in the real life too but real life lost that part of aloofness and strangeness which dreamland has till now."

19.april.99

Have seen two bad dreams in one night. They didn't scare me but their subjects weren't funny. First, - I was like a leaf on the tree, which stood on the rocky cliff. Weather was uncertain. I felt easy breeze from the sea. Sky pointed early fall. Somebody said me: "Don't be afraid, release yourself," and continued to soar near. - can't say definitely but I have caught the impression of soft young woman voice. It was without deep internal meaning or emotion. It was just as if sounded: "What are you waiting for. Come on." There wasn't any haste in it or urge, it just helped me to realize that this is the way to me now.

If I had any weight I didn't feel it. To suspend in the high cost nothing to me. I undo my hands, let myself down and slowly slid to the barmy but noiseless tide. Falling I turned over myself like a leaf once or twice, not feeling any dizziness or disorientation. Coming close sea rocks I felt I changed my state. What was my previous and what became to me now - I doubting to say.

Another dream caught me right before awakening I even didn't notice how I occurred in the mathematician lecture. Lector says:

- "Look at this formula, but she become true when time reached at least one year." I couldn't stand this and shouted from my place:

- "Mathematics has nothing to do with time. It depend only on values."

Another moment I took literature exams with my old literature teacher. She smiled at me and said: "I know you worked good last term." I smiled in return and stretched hand with piece of pie to her. - She was pleased and quietly amused. (But mind you I have no warm feelings towards her. She is stranger to me in my real life position. That is one more reason why these dreams were bad).

[Notice: My behavior in these dreams wasn't really mine. I didn't see any reason in my words or deeds. My will was relaxed and I was rather a spectator. But real weather is actually fine to me, - hot sun, 52 degrees Fahrenheit, young verdure. My granddad died in such day. Anniversary of his death was a week ago, (12.april).]

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