21.jan.99

"You see in this world there's two kind's of people my friend, those with loaded guns,
and those who dig ... you dig!" - /The Good, The Bad & The Ugly/

I wish I would dig.

Today I was in the good mood. I made up my mind to prefer, (propose ?), my art services and made some calls. The result was predictable. I lost my heart. There were two kinds of people. Ones were too poor, and another too haughty. But both kinds of them just hanged up. "Sorry, we haven't enough money, for such good ads", or "Hey guy, I have these 3-D programs myself. May be, you will have luck next time". Time is getting worse. There it becomes more new hard-up companies and it becomes more hi-tech agencies at the market. You just have no leg to stand on. Of course I may try to bait poor companies with low prices, of course I can challenge quality of the big ads agencies. But, it will be no good. When I had this bee in the bonnet, my old acquaintance just sad:

There are too many hang-uppers in this world. Girls. I think the most profound hang-uppers are girls. I must either to be with loaded guns either to dig. And I even don't dig. Do I fear cancellment? No. I pondered about it and I know. But some people are ready to call this inferiority complex. And do you know where inferiority complex is turning to megalomania?

They are poor, they are rich and haughty. But they are in play. Are you in the play? Had you courage in your childhood to beg to play with you other guys? Did you like to beg? Play must be gripping. Is your play gripping?

I was a victor. It was once upon a time about twenty years ago. (No, at least twenty two years ago). It was X-mass matinee in the kinder garden. We play in "missing stool". (I never knew name of those game). There were about 15 boys and one Santa Claus, (our stout and kind nurse). It was nearly compulsory. I was chosen for those game. We played darned good. I have luck those time. I have big luck. At last there were only me and Santa Claus. (By that time it was not our stout and kind nurse, it was mighty and smarty Santa.) Now I think, it was a fake of course. When I won boys, Santa would fail all right. But I think so only by now, twenty years ago. I don't need to say you I won. Yes I defeated Santa in his professional holiday. It was bad idea for Santa's authority, you know. And I felt myself a real man, no, not a lucky boy but a real man. It was my first ultimate victory. Or, was it my last ultimate and fair victory? And I was in the play.

Do I want to be a victor? And do I want to be in the play? Hm. But I haven't intention … Why? You know my country is in the huge slump last one half year. Do you think the betters keep their work? Recently there was a call:

Bother! And there were girls. They are survived and even they are flourishing. Do I envy them? - Their incompetence? Their luck? Hm. They fill the bill. Somebody needs them. Ok, Ok.

And I like idea to be too caviar to general. I'm splashing in this. But I don't believe in it. There aren't "too" caviar. Everyone likes delicatessen.

My old acquaintance sad "stop lamenting" last Monday. I try. I do my best. And I see silver lining. Yes, I do. Now I have filthy beard - goatee. Before this nearly no one girl wasn't able stand looking in my eyes. But today, it's easy to them. (They wonder I dig). Only now, I don't match their glances. I must cut my beard off for this. I had real sour moments when I realized … My old acquaintance is looking at my filthy goatee and pretends don't mind about it. And I'm forgetting about it too and we have fun. But then I suddenly realize I have filthy beard and plump big belly. I feel scared.

Must I cut it off? (Must I go to the trainer room? Must I find a good job? Must I stop my lamenting?) But it took me nearly fours month to grow it, you know.

Now is the time to ask me, why I had good mood in the morning. All my lifetime, (life ?), I thought there are not good-looking women over 40. I liked "girls". I don't liked "women." And I'm in the same position now. But today in the morning I was in the car in the one of the yards. They played Eglesius by wireless, (radio ?). I have seen her. She was tall svelte in the luxurious furs, with flowing beautiful hair. She just smiled to me. Why? Am I so amusing fellow? (Nothing personal, you now. (I hope). But I wanted to something good and kind to her). (May be it will be in the next life? - What a Bosh!) And I hope I'll met good-looking girl over 18 who also will smile to me.

About girls: It was 3 hours earlier. I was in the car in the thoroughfare. She stood on the bus stop. I haven't time to take a good look of her. I just snapped a glimpse of dark half-transparent pantyhose and dark goffered skirt. And inside these things were excellent girlish lags. Oh, Bother! Some years ago I sad to my old acquaintance: "Do you know, dark half-transparent pantyhose and dark goffered skirt are very exciting?" She answered: "Yes, surely I do."

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