KGB

23.march.99

Good Title, isn't it? But let me say some random words (in three paragraphs) at the beginning.

Talking about Ireland, Primakov, (Russian premier minister), landed there on his way to US. And somebody thought he is drawn to the East - mystery. Probably he is also (like me) like their dogs.

About situation: I had some business (not financial) but I can't say I worked. I was doing some work for nothing. It took my last night and this day. And what is the worst I have mush more on my hands to do. But no, I aggravate it creating additional problems. (I like aggravate everything - it brings necessary dramatizm (this word is noun from "dramatic") in to life.) So for example I used half hour of Internet Access time of my scientific adviser. He reproached me already for wasting 2 his Internet-hours (he has (or rather had ;-) only 8 hours per month). He thought I forgot turn off my connection after e-mail seance - naive geezer. And after that I welsh from him in to the library. I took 5 books (one above the limit free from fee). So I must to do many things interesting (computer design) and another things (not such creative, I even don't want to enumerate them, .... for example, ;-) to translate textbooks to the sub-faculty). And after all I read no one line from other journals - and this is the most abominable fact about my recent life. I wonder, among Dante's hell circles there is a lapse when must be place for sinners who are careless about reading others journals. But situation is seemed to me as the most favorable to writing. (Sherlock Holmes used to say: you must feel exhausted and overexcited to do your work properly, so I nearly reached the state today and I want to give you a treat such as story about spies.

Third: Day ago I have said: "Well. But she is getting doing much harm to other persons" about my former acquaintance in Nothing to Happen note. So yesterday evening one guy called me and said I must go tomorrow (i.e. today) to the Institute with ready translation (see paragraph above). I was already tired of him and his foolish ideas, (probably he don't know that "one owes nothing to anybody"). I was bored with him stiff so I hang-upped the receiver but he, a simple soul, thought it was casual disconnection and after that I had to send him to hell in plain Russian. But the gist is the next: when I was with scientific adviser, (it was planned seminar, which everyone had to attend and from which one I run away to the library), I couldn't help overhearing he (that guy, who ticked me), called to the scientific adviser and said that he will be unable to be on the seminar because he has temperature 39 and something (71 and something Fahrenheit). I have a strong suspicion it was her work. Don't ask me to explain how she contriving to do all these things - I have assumptions but they are not very scientific. I know only two reasons, which count. Such facts break the law of probability events. And it's definitely not me who do all this inexplicable things.

So I guess you are ready for KGB's revelation. It was many years ago. I was completing my education in the Institute and was thinking about future job. It was the most crisp and robust time in my life. Long six years of the education in the steep Institute was ordeal to me. It was imperative one or two of 15 students from my group were sacked every term and I was scared to found myself among them. But fortunately I went through all traps of the system to the happy ending of education. The burden of mental strain and release from medieval fear put me in the dizzy easiness. Air of deserved freedom intoxicated me. Last three of six years they talked to us: "You are the elite of the whole country". (Usually they appended to it: "... and you must ...."). But the general result was we (or may be only I) were high opinion about ourselves not as professionals (we are not craftsmen or foremen) but as elite of society. In those days we couldn't believe that real "social elite" are those who can robe and cheat anybody without winking. But I have no wish to discuss defects in social development of human race. And talking about elite. It was not on the pure intellectual basement or on the base of the good perspective for career promotion. I can't even say that we were real gentlemen. But I will not deny we were a peculiar community consisting of comparatively fair and sometimes bright fellows.

In that time I was brave and naughty. I will give you a good example. The degree defending was behind. We, (dozen of us), stood in the face of staff and guys from patronage organizations. We stood abreast as in the Army. Each of us made one step beyond when was hearing his name. Then he listened his grade and got Institute Badge, which of course has such value as purple heart. There were some satisfactory results, many good and few excellent. When I have heard my name I made my step. I was lucky the guy from scientific staff who entrusted badges was respectable (by students) one. He said: "Excellent", and I felt every one was glad for me. I made a delay for a fracture of second to calm auditory and then I said only three words but this three words shut down every from student to doctor. I said: "Thanx, Didn't Expect".

But I had to think about my future job in that time. So I was pleased when once in the evening men voice called me and invited to speak about job. It was proposal to try to take a job in the intelligent service. It was cool, I gave my consent for the procedure. I met him in the special house in the quiet part of city. It was nice guy about 35 who talked with me. I felt self-confident with him. I felt moral ....no, not moral, but rather mental superiority before him. At first there were trifle technical details which are not interesting to you.

The key event flowed down without much exciting of me. And it was the next thing: He asked why I gave my consent for aspiring for this job. Hm. You can ask me the same. I will answer to you as I answered to him: This is permanent job with permanent salary and social guarantees. These are two additional foreign languages. And this is people who needed my services. But after that I gave him analogous question - why them invited me. I didn't know at that time that nearly every guy from my group was proposed to the same. But the man from KGB conveyed me another way - he said I had no chances to became a post-graduate. I asked: "Why?" And he smiled and tried to hint me that I haven't enough brains for it. AFTER THAT IT WAS MY BOUT TO SMILE.

I must say I had much profit from this aspiring procedure. I took clinical examination, the thing, which I wouldn't have on my own for ages. I was checked on AIDS-test. This is very useful thing too. After that I was double strong person. I thought myself of the elite and I was in the pink, (which fact was clinically verified).

And in clinic I saw many interesting people, demobilized out of Army soldiers. They were much younger than I but they were the gems of Russian Land. They didn't have such muscle volume as Arny but you could feel their strength from a long distance. I felt myself like a pet near them.

After that there were another tests. The first of them was for my erudition. There were some slick questions. I knew right answers to them and intelligent men - no. For example - the question about Brest Peace Treatment annexations. I should give the answer which they wanted but I held to the (damned) truth. Of course it was a risk to spoil whole business, but ... I took minimum which was necessary.

Hey, Hey, Hey. And know is the time. Bring on the girls!

The next (and last) step was psychological test. It were not one but many different tests. These tests were different and versatile. At last I had a chance to look at other future spies. (Until this it was only hospital and intelligent man study). And there were girls I must say. But before this I want to boast a little.

I had the most of those tests on my computer now. I even have review form one of them on my page in "Russian Stale" but sorry I have it on Russian. But if you now this language you can amuse yourself right now. Lusher's Color Test is giving me much pleasure all the time. I even often experimented with it. For example - took test after 36 hours of playing in the DOOM or after .... (joke, just a joke). But the main conclusion is I have INTELLECTUAL AND AESTHETIC INDEPENDENCE. I think they are ones of the sweetest words, which were ever written about me.

And there were another tests, long, dreary boring and insulting incorrect. I can give metaphor about them. They were as if invalid without legs was asked: "Which dance do you like to dance? Polka or Tango? - Answer only - Yes or No". - Crazy.

Many of such tests asked me about my behavior in the companies. But I hadn't any private companies. When I was in the school, company was as bad as hell and I had one position, (out of it), and when I was in the institute, I had another company and I was group leader/senior student.

But about girls: There were two girls on the staff. One of them was slimy, very elegant girl with long legs, long neck and short dark hair. It was she who met me first. She followed me in the tiny room with one computer. When she waited computer to start up she asked me to count down from one hundred deducting by seven. I began ;-) like Beavis: "One hundred, ninety three, Errrrrrr, ninety three, eighty ..... eighty six? ....seventy Errrr" This time computer was already ready. She said: "Enough". I had strong urge to say: "What? Really?" But I'm afraid some girls are lacking the sense of humor. (Or may be, they recollect something about fun only in the bed with somebody, I don't know). There was very small room, I can say even poky. And it was very quiet. Whole house was very quiet but this room was especially. She was in the sweater. Should I explain what sweater is for springy young lady? If I didn't think about my future career I would say she was raping. And if I had erotic dreams, she and this room would be perfect place for anyone fantasies. I don't know what she expected from me. Probably it may be smartness with elementary arithmetic, may be - hugging and hot kissing - it's beyond my scope to imagine.

I think I was fool. She left me alone. I made all tests and was making scrutiny researches about plaster on the ceiling. I should to look (sneak) at the programs and my results, and it was my profession from technical point of view. But I was a fool because I don't want to say I was a yellow to do such things. At last I tired to wait her and went off to the hall.

And there was another surprise for me. (This word must be taking only by hearing, not by reading. Otherwise we must write it as su-uuuuuu-rpr-aaaaaa-ise and necessary adding smile to it). So it (she) was TV announcer! Girl from TV-set! Young, Fresh and one of my favorite! I have seen her in the hall. It was only a few seconds but I was a hundred per cent sure it was she. She was not from national channel but whole Moscow knew her and excited by her. She had small face fragile hands, silk voice and was self-conscious. She made us to watch political news and listen about nature disasters. I don't remember about her clothing. No man able to recall a dress of the girl by which he was shocked. But I am ready to bet she was in the knee-deep etherial dress. She was like a draft in the hall. Emerging from one door and flied into the other. (Mmmm. I have strong suspicion about considering draft as good poetical metaphor.) I had no time. If I had time I would found what I could do of it. There were no flowers but I could say some compliment to her or at least look at her and smile. All I needed to do was to keep low until she would be leaving this house and on the street I would again be myself. I would have time and place to do something to her, (unless she was in the car). But now it is no use to make surmises - I lost her. And not a long time ago we all lost her from our screens. I wished she would appear on the other channel in the other telecast - but no, nobody from viewers has seen her anymore. Now she is probably broadcasting only for the selected public in West. Probably she is the gem of Russian intelligence service collection. I guess she is only 21-22 by now and she is a queen. But then, she was a kid, just a little nice kid, who was adored by men's part of Moscow in that remote time. I don't know what announcers in States or in other countries are. I definitely don't like CNN and their journalists. She has nothing in common with them.

But listen, I'm lying to you. I didn't feel any strong feelings about her. I even didn't think about possibility of trying to make acquaintance with her. It was just like ... you know, how it happens with domestic chaps and any pretty women, which they can watch regularly on the TV. Talking about her and me I may say she was very unpretentious girl but she had strong ambitions and I, ... My behavior is poisoned with continuous wish to poise, to pretend, to be something else. For example I felt myself already on the service in those days. I looked after possible shadowing me. I changed subway trains, and tried to recognize people nature in the passers by. It began far earlier then KGB business. One day my group mate said to me: "Do you know whom you remind me? - Exhibitionist." I answered to him: "It's true I took long dust-coat today but under it I have all clothes all right." And he said: "You don't need to be naked to be exhibitionist."

Let me ask you one question. Did you forget about my excursion through this spy house and that there were two service girls and one of them made me count down from hundred? I'm going to tell you about second girl. But before this I'm intending to allow myself one little deviation. In the beginning of this note I said about unexpected visit of Russian premier minister to Ireland. In the process of my writing I went to the kitchen and said: "Ma, I am certain Americans will bomb Yugoslavia in the time of the premier minister's visit. They will do it at least just for principle." And she answered: "No, they will never do it." I asked: "Why???" She answered: "He wasn't in America. He returned."

The second girl, or let call her plump young woman of bovine type, received me for private talk on the test results. It would be more exact to say pretty girl number one let me down and handed me to her. There were two adjacent rooms for interview. I heard guy with whom she talked. I saw him when he entered that room. He was nonentity. Probably she has got fancy about him. And.... but I have a theory that even beautiful, - and more then it - as a rule, many beautiful girls afraid of smart guys. They used to work with chumps who feel like shrimps in their presence. But ugly girls feel at ease in presence of smart guys because they know they haven't any chance from the start. But this is the only stark theories of fellow who never knew anything about girls.

She reminded me the sack with gold-rimmed spectacles. And she was married. Don't think it is offence which talking in me now. This is the most exact her description: baggy sack with heavy yellow-metal-rimmed spectacles. The most gruesome fact - it was she who had a pity upon me, not I - upon her. You will agree with me, it was she who was poor thing. Ok, let wave aside her exterior and talk about her techniques.

She was bounded to use pro-Freud methods. (I hope, some day I will tell you about Z. Freud too.) She asked me: "Whom do you like better, mother or father? What do you feel about your childhood? What is your culinary tastes?" I think there is much philosophy in these themes but I should to answer briefly to her. (By the way I hope I am not too prolix even now. Eh?) But I can give you the general impressions. About mother and father- "I respect them both and my likes and dislikes is non o'your business" - I said to her. About childhood my and any others - I believe this is not the most happy stage in life. You have too little freedom. You are always dreaming about growing-up even in the best circumstances. About likes and dislikes in food - I like not very much dishes and I don't like to experiment. Such my palate tuned, I can't help it. (But now I have some exquisite habits of my own. I also keep hope to tell about it later).

I could see on her face, she was not satisfied with my answers. And as it went on it was from bad to worse. She asked me why in the tests, I said I would prefer high piece rate instead of low but guaranteed salary. Hm. I explain such phenomena by my striving for justice - you must have what you earned, more work, more dough. Am I right? But may be I even then felt urge for literature as income source, I don't know. It seemed to me further questions had no any particular meaning - I was doomed.

Ask me, was it unavoidable? Could I say what they wanted? - Yes, I do. But mind you what was said in the first paragraphs. If you forgot (*hope this phrase is not very offensive to you? (I must think about reader's nerves, you know)*) I can remind you: AFTER THAT IT WAS MY BOUT TO SMILE. I didn't laugh at them, they didn't deserve it. But no one could prevent me from gentle inner smiling. You can say I wasted my time. And I will answer you by words of American Colonel Dobson from movie "Rider on the Rain": "I have all time in the world." I mused how she, fat and flat woman became married person, and how her colleague is vegetating between such nincompoops as I, and how pretty girl, who would become national token, is going to take part with other spies in the play, which nobody will see, and how probably captain, who told me his salary is 100$, contrived to buy a car, which cost at least five thousand dollars, and how the history of my country remains fractured and lays in oblivion. It was all very instructively to my young mind. And by the way I have got psychotherapeutic seance for free.

The young woman with pimples asked me have I girl friend in present time or not. I answered: "No." And she busybodied: "Why?" (Good question. I wish I would to know answer on it.) Why? - Probably I haven't met appropriate to me girl yet. Probably, I will meet her sooner or later, and may be - not. I know definitely only one thing I will never marry such creature as her. (Again please no offences to her. We must call things by their names.)

My theory approved in this little true store is impeccable as far as concerns this story. One could try to find a flaw in it and to say: "You are weak. What have you done for material part from it." Do you think I will argue with it? No. Do you think I agree with it? No, once more. I just enlighten you about consequences of this folly entertainment.

The result of my aspiring to the spying business was dismissal the dean and his public disgrace and disgrace of his mates. (Cool, isn't it?) But before this people with touchy ideas about modern morale I beg to shut their eyes. As matter of fact the business was very simple, ingenious, and foul. Of course you understood that I was figure undesirable in the Intelligent Service but I had my bit of pleasure. Point is that 99% of students are honorable decent and well-meaning people. (Words were taken from movie "The remains of The Day"). But I can't say that per cent of honorable decent and well-meaning people among teacher and scientist staff is the same. (As matter of fact it is a little bit lower). So I called to one of the intelligent service man and asked: "Are you want to probe me once more?" He answered: "No, No, No, for goodness sake, No. But what conveyed to you such crazy idea?" And I without batting an eyelid said: "One very respectable man from dean's office advised me such thing. And mind you he made it with presence of many beholders. They would sustain it. I of course blushed and said why it so unusual. And he said, "Come on. We all know you have no chance to become a post-graduate. You even have no chance to get a decent job. So it would be the most easy way in life to you to become an international sleuth." - such were his words." And intelligent man said: "Cool off. We will try to fix the problem. We even are ready think about helping to get a place in the post-graduate course". (Am I stretched facts a bit? But the general impression was the correct). After this, our dean's office was visited by four or even five men in plain clothes, and after this, everybody was (pleasantly) surprised to see our dear dean in the "out-of-commission" state and without his great post.

Am I a lout? But it was a war and "a'lager com a'lager" as Frenchmen say. They also hit me after all (not Frenchmen, but from the Institute staff). (I was practically robed for three hundred bucks). But who cares? And in those days it was not only I who smiled. Many students looking on the living remnants of the former dean wore those simpering and light-hearted expressions.

I could finish here but I wasn't appealing to the kind part of your heart in last section - Sorry. So let us think about girls and about flowers. Don't think about deeds. Deeds can't keep you in the right state of consciousness. May be girls love heroes but many good deeds we must do furtively as filthy spies. Some day I will tell you about my men's deeds (which were not many). Or may be you are more craving to know about defeats?

By the way if you don't know, I have got cozy place in the post-graduate course few months later but it is the absolutely different story.

Return