I know today is one of the most important days in my life.

I will try to answer why it happened.

I feel weird. I feel time is stopped. What is happened? Did you any time be ahead of time? (Why I wrote time is stopped? I wanted to write simply "stopped." May it's the sign that Somebody stopped time?)

Every man has his story. Now I know my story.

So, a couple days ago I sad to myself "I know everything" I'll know nothing new till my death.

A few months ago I stopped to shave and hair cut ultimate. I have no particular reason. Some people sad to me change yourself, for example go to the barber. I felt I wasn't able to do this.

And on Xmass I had to go to the city. I already told you (see …dec.98) about this. Before this I sat at home and was OK. So what for was it? I became to think about romance and other drivel, what for?

The next step was. A had caught severe cold. I never had such cold after I was 4-5 years old and had one throat decease. (Remember this)

So last few weeks I desperately ill. Even in chat I wrote nick as ColdHeels Ill.

So I feel weird and some people in the net already sad this to me.

Can you imagine I sleep no more than 3-4 hour in the day?

When I had a mustard plaster I could bear its heat indefinitely.

I had my nose desperately bleeding. I don't know how much blood was left.

Interesting coincidence I have got opportunity to use Internet at free. (Now I think I would pay any money. Don't think that there is "affection of novice" to the net. I was there about Year and NOTHING HAPPENED).

So I plunged into Internet. I was surfing. You know it is pure accidental thing. I even don't know what I was seeking.

But my general intention was definite at first. I want to make Diary of Nobody.

Why? Because everyone has habits. I had a habit to talk everything private to my old acquaintance. I wrote about this on my main page a week ago. Now I am using in the same way whole Internet.

You understand that old acquaintance is no definition. It is the girl. She is 28 1/2 years old. (I didn't want to tell anything, but God knows….) I don't know how to call her fiend? She prefers the word "girl-friend". But I think it's not suit the situation. For example we even never kissed in the last year. The truth is a saw her almost 4 times in that year and it was always in public. I like to remember that many years ago we were at the family party of her girlfriend and she introduce me as her BEST friend. If it was truth I don't know the best name can be given to me anywhere.

I didn't want to tell about her. Because I thought it would be unfair to her. She had her own life and I have no right to mess it up. (But I messed it already stiff).

And the second reason is the story of our acquaintance is the story of indefinite unbelievable coincidences from the start to today. It'll take too much time. Imagine we met everyday and almost every day was a new coincidence. I am afraid even to begin.

For example I saw dreams about future (doom) of her relatives, she saw clairvoyant dreams about me. If I presented her book this book had connection with her life and I don't know about it. If I was on the different occasions near her job we almost every time accidental meet each other even in no appropriate time. Imagine, during working day in the tumult of city in the street or anywhere. There were another cases even more amazing but I have no right to tell about it.

So we have close mental connection but it was generally in spiritual. She had (and still has a charm). And she can keep me as on the leash. She tried to cast me off and it would be easy. I didn't know (and don't know by know) where she lives. I don't know even her home phone number. But some years we don't part.

If you read my story about 2.sent.98 you know. I met girls without which I can live easily although they were perfect.

With that girl I failed to part although we have too many different points. In fact we have different lives in the different worlds.

When I saw her fist time I know if I miss her and not to try to make acquaintance I would never forgive myself in my whole lifetime. And I have proofs she had important feeling too.

So SOMETHING HAPPENED. I became older at on or two days as Somebody append me 10 years. I wrote about my wrinkle under eye. It reminds me a leper. I feared not much about this particular wrinkle but that it appeared to me in one day and probably will be with me to the grave.

I sad that to dally I must respect myself and after THIS I lost this respect to one half. (About another I wrote earlier). So I lost confidence in my exterior and interior powers.

Damn it my pills are ended! Have you ever a pneumonia? Funny business I went to general practitioner and sad: "Doctor, I coughs terribly, I can't sleep almost 3 nights". And do you know what she sad? She sad: "Go to the chemist's shop and buy something against cough." Funny, isn't it? And now I even can't cough, (but I want to cough badly).

I don't want to talk turkish but I try to summarize a little bit.

1. In my childhood I nearly dead 4 times because of strong decease.
2. My "Girl-friend" had a very difficult, (I don't know how to say. Let it be "difficult"), life with different accidents and what not. I guess she was with a latch-key always.
3. I have a serious trouble by now.

May I tell you allegory? Imagine, you are on the big ship, (may be Titanic). And it is drowned. ONE man had a boat. You still are on the board. You take a fancy that it would be bad to use those Boat. Nobody knows why. The ship is at the end. You are in the COLD water. You feel you want to live. (Nobody knows why) And suddenly you see another boat. You know your health and lungs will never be the same. But you are making terrific attempts to reach another boat. And suddenly you realized. It's the boat such as had ONE man. You now it must be another. But you feel it is the exact copy of those one. You don't discern a man's face yet but you know he is as a twin.

You feel unreal. You fill weird. And it's not the dejavu. It is simple your mind messed coil in the time.

Mind you everything what was told. And prepare. If read perfunctory, reread it. Else you understand nothing.

Now I'll tell you another part of story. As you know I was surfing in the net without particular reason. And than, I suddenly stopped. I anchoring. And there was one man who stopped me. I don't know how IT HAPPENED. I did know nothing about him.

And it was my first attempt. I'm always lucky with my FIRST attempt. I haven't read one line from his page. I didn't try to know nothing. By I've got acceptance. After that I failed in it many times, they simply …. me of. And it was as I grasp mere coincidence.

But do you explain me why I sad to a man about whom I don't know nothing with whom we even talk no one time: "I like you" ??? (Mark you I don't mean any sexual meaning, just about mentality, you see.)

I don't say "love" because my old acquaintance used to say: "When I with you I feel at ease and get pleasure". No lust, no passion, no even love. By the way I know I was no single person who felt such to her (my old acquaintance).

Rummy, but the same words I can repeat to this "new" (very bad world) man in the Internet. Of course I say about kind of feeling, not deepness of it. (Am I callous?)

But I'm too sincere man. That is why she sad it would be too difficult to me to survive. And she didn't want to share all these difficulties. (Gosh, what a snivel from my part.)

So the point is that I felt SOMETHING beforehand. If you think I deducted something from something, you are wrong. I already sad I didn't know nothing.

Do you want to know what I have knew by now?

Ok. It was HAPPENED a few hours ago. (Mark you!)

But I must explain some facts about my old acquaintance. Sorry for being a little bit of psychotherapeutic. But there are such people called as Nights of Sorrow Image. There will never be happy with woman. Because they are not ….. (Sorry, every man likes to boast and lament and the same time.) I only can say that more 4 different people in different places and times called me such name.

The cinch is I have seen that she, (by now I'm talking about my former girlfriend), is needed me, needed me really even don't realizing this.

You ask me. So many people needed another people, so what?

I answer. Such people as Nights of Sorrow Image, (no irony please), don't want anything in return. For example, do you now what her question was when we could talk "one to one" on the Subway Station? She asked what I thought should she return to her husband or to take divorce. Naturally I answer: "Try to keep your family" (Damn me! What I was a chump!)

The most UNCANNY thing is how we can discern other people destinies? The distance and time don't matter at all.

Only afterwards she told me HER STORY. Every man has his story. Her story was (is) one of the most grasping and one of the most dramatic. Mark you I don't exaggerate! You think so you are sucker who don't know about life nothing at all.

So I have seen in her individuality, which come through many ordeals and remained kind heart. If you think it is a trite you are in serious mistake. Many people wrench their hearts even in safe circumstances.

Funny! Now is 12.10 AM and sun, which I didn't see more than two weeks come through curtains and dazes me.

If you forgot what it is all about I remind you.

UCANNY things exist in the world. And such thing is told by me atheist who don't believe in anything even when he sees it.

"What's up doc?" You can ask me. So I can even kid a little bit by know. Bolt is nearly shot.

And now I am ready to tell about this trifle incident, happened to me this morning.

So I was surfing this morning (a few hours later). But then I SUDDENLY wanted to go to page of this man. I don't now why. There were serious technical glitches. I wasted about hour. I couldn't reach those page.

I DON'T KNOW WHY I found the other way to express my feelings. (I even don't know what this feelings were.)

Sorry for one more deviation, but do you know what kind of book I presented (without any particular reason), to my old acquaintance? It was J.B. Priestley!!! Have you read anything of his? You have to do this. But if you life is ONE BIG platitude, of course, you don't need him.

UNCANNY thing happened RIGHT NOW.

I was wandered how to explain what is the snag is! And I FIND it.

Please lets return in my story for two days ago. I was surfing and I saw page with the title "Skeletons in the cupboard", I e-mail its owner about meaning of this title but it happened, that guestbook and e-mail were out of service. You may laugh: "Page-Ghost, He-He." May be. May be. It doesn't matter as stand alone fact but you mind all circumstances about which I wrote now you don't say such thing. So I forgot about this "trifle" fact and remembered only in last 10 minutes.

So by know I feel myself free from further explanations on this topic.

(I wonder it would be too bad. The perfunctory reader can't catch no head, no tail about all this. And other man can say I have no right disturb private life of others)

I'm really sorry that I involving in others lives and in the most inmost their parts. I'm really sorry. But it concerns me in the same way. (Please, try to read some of novels J.B. Priestley).

So there is left to tell a little.

Prepared?

So I contacted the man, (at least he must get this). It's true that during this procedure my computer rebooted and even some clusters were lost. But returning to the mutton:

I wrote that I missed him, (or her don't forget about this! I mean "a man" as only a person, as a human being).

And wrote I DON'T KNOW WHY I missed him.

- It's the point of whole story. Now I KNOW WHY, but I don't know how I was able know about that earlier!

Before this I took a look at the photos. Connection was very bad. I look at the photo, and understood that my inmost voice about inner beauty of this man was right by that time.

So I sad in the letter that I saw photography and I have a WISH to talk. Mind you the photo was no reason to talk. We all saw many unordinary people. By that time I STILL DIDN'T KNOW the real kind of photo about which I will care. After that I come to page once more and found another photo. And I don't now what there is on those photo. It was enough to me look only on the inscription.

You wonder: Am I a nut? I answer: "No" And I have proofs. The similar situation was in the winter two years ago. By that time I wrote my philosophic book, (sorry, in Russian). But it also contained very explicit materials about my life and I also made publicity. (At least gave it to those people, who encountered there). By the way I was ill by that time too. But those illness was more "useful" to me. I lost about 16kg. My weight was 82 kg and became 66. Before this illness I was as Arny after that I became as Bruce. (Mind you my manner may be funny and mocking but I always deadly serious).

Where did I feel that this Uncanny business is going to be?

….

Hurrah! Now is the 22.52 (Moscow Time) 9.jan.99. I slept well! It was because I had to change my pills. Why did I not this before? Only now my mother talked with our family practitioner. She (doctor) sad I am all right. It was edema, which can be easily fixed. So there is no danger of pneumonia to me anymore. And I fell better.

So, I'll continue:

About one month ago I was in the Russian chat and boasted to girls about my knowledge of Wodehouse and what not. And suddenly I received a message: "Don't say about Wodehouse in vain. "I answer what do you know about Wodehouse at all?" He sad: "I have read him all partly in English partly in Italy and partly in Russian" I answer: "How about Jerom?" He sad: "Yes." And then I tried other authors. It seems he knew them all. I was outscored ultimate. Before this I guessed there are very a few people which read something profound or have a good musing. I envied him. By the way he is a 31 years old. (Now when I say he I mean he although his nick was as girlish). By the way do you know I have a longing to make a page dedicated to Wodehouse? And what a coincidence, I published it only today.
 
 

I want to say that I nothing with pity or compassion. I am really very callous guy. Do you know what matter was with Sherlock Holmes? He was aesthete. Strong people like power and like to force other people they like to be winners. Good and kind people like other people but their feeling based on compassion and other Christian deeds. Maximalists like everything to the limit they are greedy people. It's the general error to mess maximalists and aesthetes. But if maximalists have motto: Everything or nothing, then aesthetes have motto: Good or no way. By the way aesthetes like beauty. I guess only aesthetes are really interested in people. So it was sad to make to your clear. I never humiliate any people. Pity humiliates. So I never feel compassion to anybody. Mark you I say in philosophical way, you don't need to be afraid of me. But my whole life is a little bit too philosophical sometimes. It helps me come trough such crucial points. I guess for such points may be a wreck or bankrupt or to be getting the sack. I guess it disturbed me a little. In some cases I feel nothing. Is it not funny?

I guess you need a conclusion.

• Today it was a very special day in my life. I don't think there will be many such days.
• I know that every moment in my life can happened to be the most special the most unreal moment that will make me wonder.
• I know that wonders are to happen. (Do I believe in fairies?) But I don't know HOW TO REACT to this. I remind myself "God's fool" who runs all over and shrieks LOOK people THERE IS THE WONDERS in this world. Really I don't know what to with this. It makes me crazy nothing to do about it.

If you think I'm crazy, look in the SOMETHING HAPPENED by J.Heller. It is one more I don't like this book. It contains some clever thoughts but so what? I don't like this book either. I can't finish to read it. It takes too much time. I could read 5 other books already instead of this book. And one more about INTERCONNECTIONS. J.B. Priestley wrote:

• we all (or some of us) have strong destiny interconnections
• its beyond our control
• the most of people even don't realize them
• few people see this interconnections and their life become miserable, because they have this burden and don't know what to do with it.

Recently, (yesterday), I have got a letter and there were words "What for?"

And I wonder all through my life, (and you can see about this my musing on my front page), that

• There are two kinds of people. Ones say "What for?" and others say "WHY?"

• Yes, I know. It's me.