22.april.99

Staring I

 Today I was paying for Internet. It wasn't a pleasant process but I should come through it somehow. In the office I talked with sufficiently gruff fellow. Business had been done and I walked into the elevator, followed another customer. I went in first checking the pocket's contents and he pushed the button. For a moment the thought of that fellow talking to me passed away of my mind. He was 35-37 years old, ordinary, plain in the mob fellow. He was forced to repeat: "Rum these guys, sys. admins." I sad: "What?" still preoccupied with something and not much willing to grasp the sense. "They always wear black, these guys, sys. admins"

At last I caught it. And he was darned well right. At once I remembered - the not gregarious guy in the office was all in black. Of course he was system administrator. I remembered also the sys admin who worked with me once. (One, about whom I partly told in the Start, who sat on the second floor and had a kindly smiling young girl). It came to me in the spark. I hastened to tell about him to the stranger but it is always difficult to wonder anybody with trick performed right before you just a few seconds ago. So I agreed and added that he, ("my sysadmin"), also had very scarce light. The information about poster on his wall with singers in black the stranger listened walking out the elevator with back, turning to me.

Near exit I stopped to check every pocket once more to recover needful balance and letting this observant man to disappear in the street. One hasn't got used to talk with strangers in the streets every day.

***

Another food for meditation found me in the subway. On the opposite side young girl sat. Her face could be beautiful hadn't it a worn by weight of cares or rather anxiety about expecting troubles. It wasn't strained. Looking at such face you wish to splash it with cold water, (don't let me be misunderstood - it wasn't swollen). And after invigorate splashing the sour wine would be very in place. She reminded me not lighting bulb, all well but when the light is turned off and probably something worried.

Her dress didn't get dutiful impression on the same reason. I would risk in saying it was practically perfect but out of use. She wore rude jacket with rough collar and "light-close-body sweater" under it by the same color. (Again, sorry for lack of knowledge in women dresses). Her legs - her legs were in dark pantyhose with the Scotland skirt on the top. It would be very interesting garments if she had other mood. Age - age could be dated as "18 but girl is tired for tonight". Hands - hands were good and what was especially pleasant she wore rings but they were unlike to wedding ones.

Her deportment - her deportment was perfect. It impending to became a truism but it was special occasion. Near her sat a woman in her 50s. Her face was wrinkled but inclining buoyant mood. Wrinkles were deep but of kindle type. Such wrinkles happen with kind-hearted people who smiled much in their life. (I don't know why but I am not fond of word "lifetime" and give my favor to the simple - "life").

She sat with the same impeccable bearing as his daughter and threw surreptitiously half-smiling, musing glances at her from time to time. It was the particular bearing, pointing directly to the regal heredity, and her soft motherly glances from which I had drawn my conclusion.

Legs of young girl were parted. It was neither sexual nor ugly. She just didn't care. Usually any talking about "breed" makes me nearly sick, (even as it concerns dogs), but I must admit, (with a fat part of envy in it), that there are people and especially girls, to whom to keep their head high is no problem in any circumstances.

She stared vacantly. Her gaze was pointed directly on the opposite side. There was nothing to notice - the opposite place was vacant. Probably she looked in herself. If she turned her head or squinted a bit she would see me, standing and looking at her. But she didn't move.

***

I wanted to tell you about events happened with me on 23.april.99. I was in the library. I saw albinos girl and told lies to my benefit. I should give paper that I'm not intending to welsh with books. I considered it as monkey business and refused to sign such thing. Some months passed after that undisturbed but in that day I was asked: "Have you signed paper" - my brain was already at work on the speech about innocence presumption but suddenly salvation was delivered from the enemy camp - "But probably someone forgot to notify you in the positive list." - "Yes, of course, I had that paper Ok. Look about it in the archive at your pleasure." Ordinary I feel handicapped in telling lies but the choice was only to make grandiose scandal with no result and much shame. - I was lucky this time. It was one more "life lesson".

I was so elated to be a liar that I began look about me. Between many gray plain girls I, (and others), marked one. She was sufficiently tall but she left the impression of whiteness. She wore white jeans white, unfasten loose jeans jacket. Her hair were ultimately white like albinos. She had very pretty face. Have you seen "Praying for the dying" with Mickey Rurk? She was the type but more pretty and not blind.

She wasn't blind but she failed to discern me. She looked at anything and anybody. Ok I had enough of luck. One service girl of rum sort in the white "doctor's smock" was piling dozens and dozens of books in the lobby. I asked one man: "What's up?" - "Take it for free, they are out of commission now."

- Cool. They were good books, many of them by good author (such as J.B. Priestley), and many of them were absolutely new, (I mean their condition). I had big bag. So I absconded with 6 books extra, (4 books were taken to read by me before this wonderful event). Outing library to the spring and half-naked street girls! - Life is not so bad when you have books for free!

***

What do I think about girls? - They are bovine (?). (Men are pigs and women - cows ;-) ) But on the practice - what do discern girls from herbivores?

In one of my letters I talked about girl who said she didn't believe me and didn't trust me but she wished me good luck when we were parting. How did I notice her? She was red. You know I am not particularly fond of reds. It was ... wait I can say exact date - It was 27.novemver.96. I took notice of her about subway station Turgenevskaya. When she quitted on the station VDNH 15 minutes later I already made my mind to try to make acquaintance with her. She was 20 she changed one Institute for another and pretended to have a boyfriend. I asked her many trivial questions, we had a little talk.

But when I first have seen her she gazed on the opposite side of seat rows. There were two guys with some huge musician instruments. She was taken a scrutiny of them and I took a scrutiny of her. She was evaluating them. I pleased to say she wasn't wicked - none of "my girls" was wicked - she was good in some way pure girl but her gazing was cold blooded and with ...

27.april.99

Sorry, something distracted my attention. In short - She was like a girl but she wasn't really girl. She wasn't a girl because she knew what men are but she wasn't "bovine" or relaxed woman because she was interested in them. Add to it she wasn't wicked because she tried to make choice. She even could watch them without momentary profit. As a rule such quality is more often seen form men. They like to watch to evaluate. (That is why there is porno and women living goods).

I used to think girls don't think about boys. Yes, they think but don't choose. Errr - They probably even chose but by using another criteria. And in that time I had seen how girl made sexual mature evaluation of her likes and dislikes. Many girls are unable to think properly when they meet guys, when they see their eyes. I knew it. Even I feel not very comfortable in company when I am realizing they look at me and it could be something that ... Parties are rotten - every one is boozed up and every one is seeking. And you can't see their legs properly. I guess it should be a custom before any eating or dancing when you would have the opportunity to look at their legs and made your mind.

I don't like the extremities. One extremity when they are not interested in you at all. My old acquaintance told: "You never know what they think. They may think good of you." I had solid argument to argue it: "Suppose there are I and she standing each against other in the tram. I don't know what she thought except that she isn't looking at me. Next moment she sees vacant seat and without doubt she took it leaving me and still not bestowing me a glance." - "Yes, you are right" - my old acquaintance talks me about the example.

There is no use in talking about "not-caring-girls." When they are young they don't look at good fellows, (just like me), and when they are grow older, (about 50), they begin don't care about cars. - I hate women in their 50-ies when they strolling across a road and don't pay any attention to the traffic. About such women one talks: "You are not train, you'll drive around". Why are they so sure that I will not smash them with my car? (I'm talking about women in 50-ies). But talking about young ones, which don't look at you, you can't even run over them and knock them down. When I am in knock down after girl I consider it as rather good deed from my own part not hers. It stands I can feel something. But when she is "walking through" me it only says about her inside hollowness. So I am very strongly reacting on the girls who react on guys. (It's a pity they always react on something else - not me).

Talking about extremities I owed to say about another. Suppose you are at party. There is some prudish girl. You sit, you don't give any signs or provocation. After first hour the dancing is to begin. She isn't really drunk. She just took two or three tumbles of fizz and haven't good meal yet. (Does anyone dance with her tummy full?) Suddenly she is walking to you and invites you to dance with her. As matter of fact I don't dance at all. (It was only my old acquaintance, who had a favor in dancing with me. Some day I hope to tell about it additionally.) But even if I was a good dancer I wouldn't agree to dance with them. They thought they are sufficiently pretty and they were, but I already told you I don't see much difference between sex and dancing. I am a weak but the most trying to refuse girls. I subconsciously think this is not chivalrous, but how will she bear it?

There is one crank token - you can have luck if you take to random people with the same names by their hands. I refused to dance but they caught me in this. On girl took me and another guy by our hands. She said: "I feel a good energy from one of us and very negative charge from another." You bet, negative charge was from my part. So talking about bearing how was she going to bear my inside negative charge arisen against her initiative?

The worst of it they didn't want to stop, they really pulled and tagged me. They stand closely near me, they looked in my eyes. Everyone looked at us too. It was terrible. They thought I would be ashamed and surrender. I can surrender when I beg but when they claim me without any luring and baiting me - Oh no!

I remember distinctly three such times. Every time they pulled me, every time they asked "why" and every time promised me "to teach" me to dance. They didn't want me. They wanted to dance with me. And I hate girls who like to dance and don't like me. I even was much happier if they would don't dance with me but they would like me. I know it's common practice. The most promiscuous thing in the world named dance always is considered as purest business and fair play.

***

When I was in school there was a very good teacher. She was young lively with fashion and style. And she had strong sexual appeal. I didn't like her subject, (chemistry - what a bosh!). She would be good to me if not her manners. She seemed to me unreachable. But once I helped her after lesson with chemical reagents. (It was her idea). She asked me have I ever read Oleg Efremov "Razor Blade". I read this author but another books of his. I knew he wrote very ripe (if not raping) books. He was a singer for romance and sexual appeal. I really advice to read his books to you. (I guess Razor Blade was something like romantic camasutra).

When she talked she reached very close to me. I hate when any one walked to me very close. I tried to move back from her but failed. She was a peach - all school was with very dirty graphities featuring her. Many boys took fancy of her and wrote and draw about it on the school walls. But mind you I told about atmosphere in the school. You could think I was depressed by hostile collective, but I would call it I had a goal for survive and to save my honor. In short - I was too young and too preoccupied with my worries with army and with future Institute education. And she was tall, taller than I. It wasn't my time to think about something like she could prefer. I didn't mind and she didn't mind too. She played like a cat with mouse but it was not real play without real goal to eat.

Once on the lesson she asked: "What time is it?" I was on the first desk. So she decided not to wait for answer, she just came to me, took me by wrist and glanced time at my watches. I was very well bred boy so I stood up when teacher came. It was funny. I stood with my arm stretched, (I wanted to secure myself from her father approaching). And she was bending over my hand and feeling as whole class looking on us. I was angry with her. Why could she take anything, (arm for example), from me? But I must admit her touch was a pleasant one.

28.april.99

She left school soon and completely forgot me. Then I joined an Institute. I was extremely uplifted - whole life was before me in the rosy beaming. I could say at last: "I have done it!" or "I can do it!" (- up to your choice). I went to make snapshots for the student card. I chose the very prestige photo-studio for this purpose. It was probably august of 1990, (at least it was the time when Iraq invaded into Kuwait).

Day was sunny, fresh and had impression of spring. Even line of waiting people didn't hurt me much. I don't know how but I started to talk with him. It happened he was the newcomer too. He passed the entry exams successfully and what a fluke! - it was my Institute! We discussed our exams, discussed what a cool our Institute is. We also began discuss some international problems.

I said it was the time of Iraq's aggression, (not American in that time). It was "right time" - everything was in the right place. UN was in right place, US and Russia were in the right places too. I liked Kuwait. My aunt was there. She told it was practically Earth paradise. The country built real communism with their oil. We, (I and that chap in the line), prattled and pruned and laughed. One sullen man came to us and said: "Your higher hopes are futile, young men. Today the most dangerous thing is going to happen. The results could be seen only ten years later." We laughed at him too. We were bright and strong, our country was bright and strong, we had nothing against Americans and didn't like Saddam. (Today things are changed I don't want to harp on this. But US regural bombing Iraq today and makes their people to starve. We are not bright too. My country is beggar and "beggars should not be chosers". Russian rulers will betray Ygoslavia as they betrayed their own people. And everyone in the world will lick American ass. - Amen.)

But returning in that photo-studio - it was in the right place too. It was very prestige but it was very democratic one. You could go to the table and took your ready pics. I hold my queue so I strolled to that table. There were two boxes - one for "men" and another for "women". Of course I peeped in the "women". I found one very good photo, made for international passport. I even was going to purloin it but what a nuisance! - I was too yellow!

Half hour later my senses, which were mingled and a little bit confused about that photo, (that sullen men was forgotten at once, of course). It was the photo of that chemical teacher. I already refused to wonder about Destiny jokes and coincidences. But the next moment - it was the last blow - I wasn't too yellow in that time but I was to slow minded - Damn me! I walked out to the street when I have got to see her - Yes it was that chemical teacher in her person, who was interested in my watches and who forgot me wholly. Why am I so sure she forgot me? She tried to pass doorway but she was my teacher and you know everyone allowed to have good feelings to ones teacher. So I tried to draw her attention to me. I stepped towards her too. I and she stepped in the narrow doorway simultaneously. I recognize her and looked right in her eyes. We were definitely too close to allow her to have a good look on me. But probably my new position, new horizons made great change of me, (I mean life position and future horizons, of course), so she didn't recognize in that young and spruce guy her recent timid pupil.

We stood for a moment, I - looking in her eyes. But she didn't failed she just to bent her head slightly ahead, (like a bull - you now this is real sign of sexual challenge), and looked in my eyes gently and pleasantly smiling. But I was wrong. I decided to behave like we were acquainted. It gave me courage at first phase, (as matter of fact it was rectitude, I wasn't brave, I felt I had a right to look such way). But in second phase I should change my tactics. I should run after her as a fascinated stranger. So I would have a great chance. But when I realized she didn't recognize me I left dumb and numb. What was my 100% advantage I thought was as my definite failure.

***

Now I'm reading "This is the grass" by Alan Marshall. In this connection I want to give some quotations: "There one kind of men. They have something inside them. Something, which is connected with death." - Ooops, pardon me, it was quote from "Once upon a time in the West." But talking about Alan: "You know how a savage dog always goes for a bloke who's frightened of it. It feels he's frightened somehow and it tears right into him. When a bloke's not scared it'll let him pat it. Girls are like that. If you're frightened and think you are not fit to touch their hand they won't have a bar of you."

You know I had a dog. When I was master of MY dog I wasn't afraid of another dogs. There was one time after it when I had subconscious wish to fight with savage dogs. I.e. when she looked at me I unintentionally shoved scarce but when she moved to bark or even bite me I wished to make her underdog. I knew when she became first she would take all that she asked. So the dog was in very confusing situation - she began the fight considering me as potential victim but felt unequal to it. I knew it's unfair, (many cops do just the same thing), I knew I wanted to overtake her by glance but I knew I would overtake her only by sure force in open brawl. You can say I provoked them but it was undeliberately. It's like when you feel high you want to jump in the precipice. And they always kept only to barking. Only one tried to bite me but I slightly pushed her in the nose so it calmed her temper down.

(Now I afraid of dogs, of airplanes, of high open places. I've heard that statistics says the most afraid to fly people are men from 25 to 35 - rum, isn't it?). (I wonder when one talks about "Russian bear" it comes to the depiction that he can't scare you so you are tempted to tease him and after that he comes and tears you to pieces. But I afraid you misunderstood this because you have the expression "surly as a bear" but we never consider the bear as savage or surly. He is just very good timid and good-humored, you can say about him: "Let's sleeping bear lies". By the way I've seen really many films about "immortal bears" when hunters are trying to kill them but futile. I don't know why but I liked these movies more than ordinary "suspenses").

But talking about quotation, I'll give you one more, it hasn't any connection with anything, it's just "racy": "But you'll never feel clean till you've lain in the arms, (By the way, have you heard music called "Arms of Loren"???), of a woman and looked into her eyes smiling. They'll love you if you're worth it, don't worry".

I can declare I disagree with Alan Marshall girls like when you are afraid of them if you are not afraid of them they will be afraid of you and will try to escape you. This is no allegation I have already told you about one girl in this note, I'm going to tell about at least two of them more.

What is the DREAM OF DREAMS to me? You see I told you about the period when I unintentionally provoked dogs by my shyness, (and it was really shyness from my part), but then I shoved them my own will and power. So the dream is when girl thinks you, (I) are afraid of girl, she relaxed and tried to wax you in her favorite forms but then she have got to know that I'm not hers but she is mine. But when she sees at the beginning I want to make her mine, she just like a snail hides her head in the home.

***

Sometimes I took fancy in girls looking at musicians sometimes I tried to stick to girls gaping in the magazines. I don't remember did I tell you that sysadmin who had a photo on his table read youth magazines and call himself "youngster"? I told him that youth magazines designed exclusively to girls. He argued with me. Telephonist from the same company tried to argue too. I asked him:

-"Did you buy any kid magazines?" He answered:

- "Yes."

- "Is it your initiative?"

- "No, my wife says me to buy it every time when I'm in city".

So I am sure this is the plague with young girls and their magazines. I confess I made a big mistake - she was too young, (less 16? - dunno), she was too tall, (accelerate?), but she looked at man in the subway and she was beautiful. My mistake was she gazed not on that man but in his magazine. She sat and he stood near her and kept it open. So she could easily look at the pictures. I've seen as she looked and I liked her and her "clever appearance". She quitted subway on the station, suburbs of which I knew perfectly so I followed her. I tried to make acquaintance with her but failed.

If I lied her I would win her! There was a point when I forced her to talk:

- "Did you like it?"

- "What "it"?

- "The magazine."

- "So it was yours?" - and she noticeably enlivened and partly left her stiffly-cold manner.

- "No."

.......... The further is to silence - as would say Shakespeare.

If I said "Yes" - I bet - I would have got her all right. It was 4th September 1997. I didn't talk lies in that time and I didn't talk lies before. As matter of fact I already told you that I had two "spring seasons" - April-May and September. So it just happened to be in my second spring season so I waved her easily off.

***

ideal dealing (another one).

What I really sorry about it's the case happened on 28 March 97. I have seen the most beautiful girl I ever seen. When I say she was THE MOST BEAUTIFUL GIRL I EVER SEEN you betcha I say true. I lost her by the same reason I did what I promised her. I kept my word and I lost my (exterior) ideal.

I was in the detective agency. I traveled a lot in these days under the pretext of buying new details for computers. I have seen her nearly at once as I came in the subway car. I stood near door, (my usual position), she was in the deep of the carriage. But after the next station the place opposite me became vacant and she took it. I looked at her she tried not to look at me. By fluke we did the same train change. When we were waiting it one beggar came to her and ask for cache and then to me. So he drove her attention and transferred it to me. She alighted in the center of the city and went to the fashionable shopping center.

She already knew that I'm interested in her. (You should give girl the time to get into the way with you). The beginning of my dialog with her was the same and the trivial one, you can see it verbatim in the previous notes, (for example about Girl and Flower). The same plan I used with red one, which I depicted in the first lines of this note.

- "You look nice." (Here you are, this is my "ordinary beginning").

- "Thank you. I am glad to hear it".

- "I hope you really glad about it." *Pause* "What is your name?" ("your" was in not plural but single language form, (mind you we talked in Russian). Theoretically I should use plural form but ... When I say "hey you" I just mean I want to be with you on the short terms, that's all.)

- "Has it any difference to you?"

- "Yes, of course."

- *Pause* "If I say will you left me alone?"

- "Yes". (I can't say - "Yes, I will" because I wasn't "willing" it).

- "Are you sure?" ..... "Ok my name is Lena."

- ...*silent sigh* "Good luck Lena, (what a beautiful name!), and farewell."

- "Good luck to you." *smiling and parting*

It was not just simply words, when they knew you are leaving them they can say wholeheartedly, (and make me to realize how much I'm loosing). She really wished me good luck. And red previous one wished me good luck too, and girl with a flower, gifted by me, sincerely wished me good luck too. WHY DO THEY BECOME GOOD GIRLS ONLY "IN THE POINT OF DYING"? (the "point of dying" was taken from Once upon a time in West too, (all rights reserved)).

You there was a lot of fluke in it but how I chose her except she was the most beautiful? I can give you some hints. I never chose girl who wears black jeans in the hot weather and bareheaded in the very cold weather. I just don't respect them. It wasn't too hot so I didn't mind she was in the black jeans and black tight-to-body jacket. I guess you know this fashion. I've seen many girls in such garment but they were a mere caricatures in comparison with her. My sister wears such fashion in these days on the occasions but... I guess she can bite off you ear. (just a joke, ;-) usually she biting only me and only after when I eat all apples in the refrigerator). Of course that girl had perfect deportment. Everything of her was fit to me. Her head not too big, her size not too large, her hands slender, her legs could be evaluated even trough the jeans. She was sufficiently demure and she was sufficiently brave. In short - she was just the right sort not only to me but to everybody.

Talking about shyness NO MAN COULD BE SHY. Why so? If you see the paragon you can't be shy you can't stop and let her pass. You could be shy when you are not certain about something but when you see the ideal YOU FEEL OBLIDGED BY THE NAME OF BEAUTY. When you are shy you have scruples and doubts, but when you are deadly certain this is "she", you just feel owed to her.

But when you proposed your services, (your attention, your life, your cash and your good buoyant humor), it's up to her choice. As matter of fact I don't like to run after the girls, (even after the most beautiful ones), when they don't want it. I knew I could win any girl, but it is like a siege of the castle and I like the fair battle in the open field. If she sees you are sticking to her and pining about her she will take a pity on you sooner or later, (just like about whining stray dog). I don't like such business, what do I like? Did you read Wodehouse? I like the attraction by the inner propinquity.

How did she look like? Have you seen porno pic in the Start? - Something of that kind. (- I call this "profanation" i.e. from one hand I say true but from another hand it hasn't any sense.)

***

So I told you about three girls under the title Stare. Do you want to listen about other three girls? Wait Stare part II.

(I guess, you would appreciate my first part. I don't want to hurt your feelings in awaiting my new stuff so long so I decided to divide it in to parts 3 X 3 "action" girls. Chances are, other part will be after 12 May, because from 1st to 10th May I extremely probably will be in my manor house in the country).

Stare II

1.May.99

 Today that film "Spring on Zrechanya street" is showing again. I don't watch it. I'm reading A.A.Milne "Chloe Marr." He writes in it: "No man will ever hold her." - This is all romantic nonsense. If I had health and wealth I would hold any good girl. (Others, not "holding" girls should be ultimately considered as bad and selfish).

Other news - in my mind sit "Mothership reconnection" (melody) this day. - Cool, real drive.

I will have serious problems with my scientific adviser. I can't say I despise him or hate him. I just don't love him. He thinks he is wiser and I screwing girls each night. It is true, from technical point of view, I could screw girls every night years 5 ago. He is 65 and I'm 26. (Yesterday one man asked me how old are am - I was going to say "18" but suddenly was taken aback in realizing that it's 26. - Hm.)

He, my scientific adviser, has erroneous views about matter of facts. Once I came to his office and said: "I just dropped in to you." He answered: "You can "drop in" to your girls". I kept silence after this. Another time he reproached me: "Why don't you ring me? Suppose you went to your girl for the night, you, of course, would ring up to your home to beware your parents." Again I was outraged I wanted to say him and give a piece of my mind but it wouldn't help to anything.

They, (teachers-men), are sexual maniacs in stealthy way. 10 years ago one teacher of age of 33 helped me with mathematics. One day he without any reason said me: "You must screw girls all your time. Why don't you screw them?" It wasn't a really question, it was rhetoric. Did he want to help me? I don't know but such things hurt me more then danger of physical violence, which I had in school. But at least that young teacher was right about my position towards girls. As concerns him he had a poster with whole known and unknown sexual positions on the wall of his kitchen with sign "Camasutra techniques" under it. I wonder why he didn't present me one pretty girl as a special gift. There are only two answers: first - he was too greedy, second - he didn't find a good one even for himself, (but of course he had a young wife, I wonder what did she think about that poster and seeing it by the strangers?)

By the way there was a real chance to get good girl in that time ten years ago. I took lessons on physics and in that lesson was one girl by name of Sveta. She was gay girl with fair hair and open face. We walked from lessons together. It was her idea to prattle with me. I was more or less at ease with her because I explained her some difficult tasks when we sat in the subway car and when you are teaching ... (I already told about it).

She was good girl but I knew that I liked more significant figure. I know this is very bad to say so and I feel really ashamed but I LIKE GIRLS IN BUOYANT MOOD WHO KNOW WHAT THE SORROW IS. I guess she didn't meet the real sorrows of the Earth in that time. So I felt subconscious pity about her future. But such lighthearted persons are very hard to be sorrowed at all. But you will see it by yourselves. She plucked on the exam of Russian language and literature. It was technical Institute so she would be proud it wasn't a main subject to loose on. Next year I've seen her in the Institute happy with one guy of dancing club appearance. I like to listen dancing music but I'm not the fan of discotheque, so she had done at last her right choice.

But I had to chance to fulfill young teacher words. She was very accessible. Not she looked like it but we were on friendly terms and I had a real chance. What went wrong? I was going to follow her to her home. We reached her station but then she said: "You made a long way to see me home. You accompanied me, so I should accompany you to your station. Don't you mind?" I was weak and foolish I allowed her to do it. But after that I lost my attitude. She was a good sport but I was out of my place. At last I decided to myself: "Hey, you have all life ahead, you will find just right sort of the girl".

Now my relation with girls confined to the thoughts of my old acquaintance. I think: "I should call her and order a table at the cozy the restaurant." But it was her idea. we talked on the phone and she said it would be lovely to meet me and have a diner after Paskha. It was month ago. I have scruples about it. It was her idea but what can I propose to her? Flowers? It should big exuberant bunch. - Suppose I emerging with that bunch in her office. After that presentation should be no dinner but good night. Do we need it?

I guessed, I should present her something. Bottle of perfume? I stopped on the mobile telephone. (This is sufficiently expensive gift in my country). But no, this is foolishness. With whom will she talk on this phone? But how about voyage? I already had such fancy, but suppose she will refuse it? But suppose she will accept it? What will you do? Such thing is good when you are getting married or when you are 65. You see I don't know what to do with her. As matter of fact, there is nothing to do with it. I have nothing to propose to her about which I wouldn't regret.

I have only one pity - she is only one who has upon me any real influence. She said me that in the other life we would be a perfect pair. (Under the term "other life" she meant that I would be with funds, sufficient to keep family and, (the main thing), with wish to keep it.) I understand her position. I don't want to do anything even for the most sacred and profound things. If you want girl you should fight her from rivals by your money, by your wit, attention, loyalty, good humor. - I don't want to fight. I haven't a reverent awe before girls. What is such awe? This is belief in girl's mistake - i.e. she would mistake you for better sort of a man and bestow you with her love. I don't like such fraud. I like fair business. I can propose only myself without any lies and false aspirations about life and girls.

I always thought the girl should make her choice based on her likes and dislikes. But it seems that THERE IS NO CHOICE FOR A GIRL. She just should think about sustenance for her future child, the love in comparison with propagation is nil. But they as a rule can give you a chance one day if you try hard.

***

It was 11.dec.97. I saw her in the Subway she looked at the lanky guy on the opposite. It was late. It was out of my usual "spring season" but I tried to catch my last chance. She was appropriate girl. I haven't a wish to depict her, I only say she was a student in technical Institute, her father was a diplomat and she professionally danced ballroom and other dances. So about last fact you can be sure she, (and her figure), suited me absolutely.

Some girls think that very tall fellows have some advantages in comparison with others. I guess she tried to balance in her mind tallness of this guy with his thinness. Tallness was for positive, extreme thinness - for negative one. Of course that chap didn't noticed her scrutiny. But she did it all through long way while train carried us to the same station. I guess this coincidence, in having one station to exit on street, decided whole business in the benefit for my trying to try to make acquaintance with her.

I'll make story a simple one. She had her boyfriend. It was her dancing partner. Her parents were very fond of her so they decided to teach her dancing in one of good dancing schools. (It is far better when girl is loosing her virginity early but with good guy, who dances with her that a little bit later and with wholly unknown and unattainable guy). So she was very pretty and unspoilt, (can't say innocent, (see above)). She was 18 and just entered the Institute. It was very serious step in her life. By such step she had a chance to prove her real value to the parents and to the lover. Many people struggle after the barest necessity. So was I, when I entered the Institute I had nobody to boast about it. But she was another case. Her parents and especially her partner didn't understand that huge burden she had. They didn't understand changes of her temper and wish to more affection. They thought she is adult enough. (And she slept with that guy regularly, so why she should be just a girl?)

She had a slight temporary breach with her partner. In such moment one smiling guy is appearing, he catches her phone number without any piece of paper he walks with her into story and buys her Christmas presents with sweets, of which she is fond, and with soft scarlet pillow in the form of heart. On the next meeting he presents her flowers and walks with her at the restaurant where she sees many celebrities. Again she feels delicious. A lot of funny stories from his part and slight boasting about life aboard with her father, (diplomat), from her part makes this evening unforgettable. She is again a real lady of 18. She finds self-reliance, which cumulates her woman beauty enormously. Her appetite is good and she eats 4 portions of ice cream without any danger of getting fatter. (She knows her Institute problems are over so she hasn't anything to make a fuss about and about sliminess of figure - her fiancee, (no doubts) will take a damn good care, (after temporary lapse in their relations), right next night).

You can call me Sherlock Holmes but I knew it all beforehand. She just gave me chance to show myself and she get good replenishment for future being in the pink. I have got nothing good from her, (except toy mouse with card "I love you"). I simply gave her chance. She chose another guy - it's her business. (Rum thing - they all choose another guys - but again it's their business, I don't mind). In the process of our relations I got different proofs of my suspicions. So she was reluctant of touches, she was practically afraid of it but by her manners I saw that her body was acquainted with men's hands and it probably was a good help at the dancing competitions. Another day I could go to the trial and would say "guilty". I called her, her sister said: "She is off. She sleeps with her girlfriend because she needs to prepare on her computer study work for the Institute." I knew what it was a "girlfriend".

I can say she was worth to respect. She didn't betray her boy even buy a touch. She gave me a chance and phone number, (Usually my dialog consists of: 1) You look nice. 2) What is your name? 3) Errrr would you give me your phone number?" - You see, my set is simple enough but last phrase scored for sound by me too rare.) She was just perfectly good but ordinary girl, if you can call "ordinary girl" a girl, who used to live abroad, has a brain for prestige technical Institute and has a special knack, (and splendid deportment and legs), to dance on the stage and stays unpretentious in her views and manners. One more word in her defense - she read Jerom K.Jerom "Three men in the boat" and even read part of it in English, (she was ought to do it on the English exams in her special school). She said, she enjoyed it enormously and I believe her. I don't remember how I had got to know she was not only good dancer but good singer too. I only can say you would feel her voice was posed right, (just right and young as her figure). When she said me, (on my request), she was in choir I at once remembered the case with Irene Adler and Sherlock Holmes. It gave me a smile to the next two hours of our date.

I consider her as "ordinary" because she was predictable and because she didn't care about me. (From this it follows that any girl who takes a fancy about me should be called as "unordinary girl"). Even her "sins" were predictable to me. When we were in that cafe I let her to sit with her face to the bar so she was able to see all celebrity stuff. She just brightened and said to me in whisper: "Hey, is it the guy from youth TV show from 6th channel?" I answered: "Yes", without turning my back and wished to append: "Relax. it's only one famous guy. What would you do with the bunch of such guys, following the next hour?" She was very good home girl of 18 who could sleep only with her, (as she thought), own guy but in her eyes I read a decision to lay with that TV guy at no notice. (Even prudish home girl has her cranks, and one of the most notorious of them - the wish to lay with musician guys and with guys from TV).

Talking about predictability - Ordinary girls remind me ordinary natural cataclysms - You can predict them, the beginning of these processes and main phases of them but to prevent or even change into favorable to you way - it's beyond my scope at present time.

Is my old acquaintance better? - Undoubtedly. When we were in the same cafe there was one famous movie producer, (it's a pity I forgot his name.) He sat the next table from us. It was he, (but not in any way she), who stared and gaped at us. She noted it and tried to make him jealous. (You know, when you see beautiful girl with guy and she sees you, she begins to fawn to his guy and this makes you feel especially miserable). So it was really cool to make one celebrity to be envious of you.

You have a right to ask how could I manage such sort of cafe. It is quite simple. The main predestination of this cafe was coffee, so it was very expensive. I never ordered coffee, (as concerns me, I prefer juices, which were many times cheaper and healthier). And you remember girls eat not much, (ok, they can order 4 portions ice cream, I can afford it).

I knew it couldn't last long. My old acquaintance told me if a girl has no time for you, you are in no need to her. So that 18 years old girl took for pretext in not walking with me her Institute first-term problems. I had no ground to grumble about it, I knew it by myself. But one day she appointed a date and didn't come. There is a matter, which I can forget for young girl, but there are incidents, which allowed only to my old acquaintance. (I really don't want to loose her at least before I found a substitute for her role. There were accidents, (one or two but no more than three). One time she missed me. It was when I accepted new practice in waiting 45 minutes. She arrived at 46th so we missed each other. But she wasn't hurt. I know her own practice - she is just walking near the "dating" place and strolling not stopping further, if you have caught her in that moment of her passing, you are lucky, if not - it's your own fault). But returning to that 18s old one - I rang her and asked. She said that she is terribly sorry but couldn't help it. I said: "I have a flowers on my hands so I will just come to your home and give you that bunch." She said Ok, but I didn't see her near porch fifteen minutes later.

She always was against my coming to the stairs. She was so young and naive in her wish to protect herself from importunity. I knew her phone number, I had computer phone base, I looked at the signs on the porches, I knew typical location of flats in her house. So I without any delay or hinder strolled right to her flat. She was surprised, asked did I shadow her, and by this made me smile. She asked me to wait for a few moments, (God bless her, she took flowers so I was rid of the shame in having them without having girl). When she appeared again, (she left me near her flat door on the stairs), she gave me little toy mouse with card "I love you". I didn't start to ask her about her unreliable behavior, I just asked her for a kiss. She refused me. She said: "I can't love two men simultaneously." So I made this question absolutely clear. But I needed to solace my pride somehow, I knew it could be solaced only by dirty trick and it couldn't be helped. I asked her: "Is it your dancing partner?" She admitted: "Yes, it is he." I smiled once more and flinched: "It's Ok, when you are dancing with a man and dancing is a such "contact sort of sport." She glanced at me nearly hostile. But I didn't mind. I already knew her reaction and thought that this is normal healthy reaction of normal and healthy girl and the main thing - I could feel myself as bad Don Guan but as good Sherlock Holmes. We parted as friends. When she heard: "Good luck to you with your fellow and farewell," her face became again human womanlike and lovely. - She had nothing against me. .... When I alighted from the bus I left that toy mouse on the seat.

Of course it was a sad tale. I read in that time J.B. Priestley "Time and Convays" and I clearly realized it practically was my last chance in that my "young state" when I used to say to myself: "Hey, you have all life ahead, ..." It was last time when I could use my ordinary tactic and imply my general simple strategy.

By the way why did I tell about her? - Because it was the "case of looking". Red one looked at guys, this dancer looked too. I hadn't intention to analyze the similar points but it struck me one day that I really care for girls who care about somebody else. My old acquaintance (fellow, this time. Don't mess him with my old girl-acquaintance), from Institute, (called Max), told me that he had a strange affection to the women with children. Of course they should be pretty as themselves but the presence of a child give them a zest in his understanding. I guess such girls with children have more self-reliance and as matter of fact they should take care not only about themselves but about children too. Such girls became calmer, more free and happier. They fulfil something in that life, (and you would think about sustenance of these little rascals till they will grow up). Ordinary girl feels uneasiness in looking at men eyes when she is really girl, but when girl has a child she can match any glance.

Of course there are exceptions, there are unordinary girls, who can not have a child and even a man but they can have unique air of feminine gait. They like a cats - you never say has that cat kittens or not - there is the great mystery for me in it.

3.may.99

Now I turned on by accident Oprah. One cripple said: "At first I thought I had a problem with my spine brain but doctors said nerves near spine was safe." In that moment whole auditory set for applause. Probably if I watched this show from the beginning I would understand their reaction. I guessed you should applause when you congratulate an actor on stage but to applause the cripple for his impossibility to move .... Does it cost of cheers to have live nerves near your spine without any hope to stand up again?

Yesterday I watched Magnifiest Seven - its translation was rotten whole smack of phrases have gone. They made "to-lips" translation, i.e. it looks like the heroes talk plain Russian but sense was unrecoverably lost. I'm glad that I have "proper version" of this film on my tape and dialogs written in the chapters of my page. (It would be a great tragedy if I had seen "wrong version" first!)

But talking about my old acquaintance - have I ever seen girls like her? - Definitely yes. Both cases were in the Subway. I've seen girl who was very like my old acquaintance but her hair was redder and, I must admit, she looked younger. The hair was not problem, (they change their color twice in a month), and her age was on positive account too. (20, 22, ... 24 ?) But I distinctly saw ring of yellow metal on her wedding finger. Ok, I forgot her.

I want to ask you: What do you think is the probability of meeting the same girl in Subway unless she is a worker of this Subway? - I guess it's equal to 0,00000000000000000001 %, (such per cent I used to call "a miracle"). Few days later I have seen her again. Again she was bright and ... (at short - I found her very attractive). But again her ring was as a wall between us. To tell to your girl about girls who just like she is the worse thing. (It is only one principle of many, which were told by me to that Tweety girl in the winter alley). I wasn't afraid of anything so I told about this girl to my old acquaintance. She said that this was strange and we agreed that it could be a sign of Destiny.

I don't know what she meant but I understood it as I should wait a third chance. And I had it but the same Destiny averted from me this time and I lost it, (chance and the girl), forever. It was on the station Kitay-Gorod I saw her entering train but in that moment one passenger fell with fit near me and other began to help him. The moment was lost she left with the train and I stayed on the platform. I never seen that girl after that.

But I have seen even more amazing girl. If that previous one was like her just by appearance this girl had more coincidences and virtues. I can say the exact date when I've seen her. It was 1.april.98. She was with her girlfriend they stood near door of car in Subway train and discussed something. She was in black. Her jacket was just fit to the figure. Its collar was big and erect like medieval one. It's a pity I don't know the name of a girl from Disney cartoon, that girl lived with seven gnomes and had the exact collar.

But it wasn't the collar, which drew my attention and even not her exterior resemblance with my old acquaintance. It was her glances, which she threw on her girlfriend's face. It wasn't really glances or stare or scrutiny. Her eyes "scanned" the eyes of her interlocutor. They radiate inner energy but you could see how they sought the response. And she really got this response and, I guess, even more than response. What do I really think is that my old acquaintance just belongs to the special class of women, which you can call feminine fatale. By the way have you ever heard about such witches who sucked from men their life energy? I guess, they did it with the aid of theirs eyes. First thing - they lured you with your eyes, second - they sucked from you whole your sole drop by drop. (It's easy enough.) I guess, they had nature born technique for doing it and they just can't help in using it on the pedestrians.

God bless me, I was just a contemplator. She looked at her girlfriend and told her something gripping about men. (Or dam's hat? - No, I'm certain her story contained strong "male interest." (I wonder if you started to repeat "flies, flies" it would a big swarm of real flies in half an hour near you)). But even being untouched by her glance I became step by step under her influence. On the next station I chose a place near them but I consciously chose place near her shoulder so she was unable to look at me directly. Few minutes later there was my station to alight. What should I do? Talking about her, she was probably older than my old acquaintance, (28, ...30?). And more that it - I already had my old one, what could I do with two. Of course there was chance that new one would marry me some day, (some how ;-) sorry just remembered a good song). So I decided to constraint my warm feelings to her by trite compliment. (You already know it). I paced nearer and said: "You look nice." She half bowed her head and glanced directly in my eyes pretending to show innocence mingled with pleasant bewilderment. You can say her glance expressed asking "By what am I so obliged ???" and at the same time "asked for more". (Just the same as that chemical teacher in the photo-studio door). I don't know was I right or not but I just stepped out on the platform and turned my back to her, her flat girlfriend and her bewitched glances.

PS talking about feminine fatale I can say you could prove me with facts Sheakspeare had loving wife and A.A.Milne had loving and prettiest one but now I'm reading Chloe Marr by Milne and before this I saw his photo. From only these two bare facts I allege: Milne had feminine fatale and couldn't rid of her influence many and many years. (The same thing happened with notorious (well-known?) Sheakspeare. Take my advice - it's his sonnets, which are worth to read, not Hamlet, Falstaff and other stuff).

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