14.april.99

Starting the Game.

Do you know what happiness is? The happiness is when you hear melody which you like and lucky to record it. But probably I already talked about it. It will be many things in this note which already were talked about, but I can't help it. And one more warning please, this note could include explicit material, and could not include many materials about romance.

It started when I was five. (The six was the age of my leaving kinder garden, - I was "too old" in that time. But considering the age of 4 - it seems to me unbelievable that I was already so smart guy in that time.) Let's it be 5, ok? I had one friend, I talked him fairy tales, of my own production. We were friendly wrestling in winter. I can't call him real friend only by one reason. I took as a system: you can call somebody a friend if he (she) was in your room and you was in his (her) room too. The condition is not from difficult ones but all the same.

He had no chance to invite me to his home. I had a luck I had good ground for inviting him to me. It was 1978. I was presented with Atari. There weren't much amazement about miracles of technics to me. If one day they gifted me sputnik or space station I wouldn't much surprised. Such is children psychology. Of course I was glad of it. There was much excitement about plays. And it was the first play where I was really almost equal to grown-ups. (Strange thing but my father didn't like to pretend I could win football, hockey or chess from him. As matter of fact there is a photo when I'm throwing at him chess figures. (He proposed me to take a start, but this could only infuriate me.))

They knew I had a friend but I always shy about friends. It happened they were away, I was with granddad, parents of my friend were late to take him from kinder garden in time. - We took him in home. Of course nor I nor granddad, who wasn't much interested in the last science achievements, were able to tune this thing properly. It was good for me, that my friend, (and one of the kinder group), really saw this smart box, made from gray plastic.

There were very simple games in this Atari. The base of them consisted of little white rectangle and white rectangles, bigger ones and perpendicular to the little. This set allowed you to play table tennis, and even football and volleyball. I don't remember how I parted with it. Probably it was good game but there were so much things to know in the world besides it.

But I wasn't a child of streets. I think that the work and sex are the things which keep your whole system working. When I was 5 I used often to lay on the floor or in the bed at afternoon and doing nothing. Did you see a dog sleeping? I had a dog. He could lay doing nothing hours and hours. He had nothing to do at his hands. But there were bursts of activities. There were games. He risked to spoil his heart by so exuberance of energy. When I was 5 I liked to play too but my games were timid ones with soldiers and cars. I remember when I lost my interest to the game I lay down among scattered toys. I was too young to think about sex, work, money, troubles. My own sole trouble was to pick up the soldiers and tidy up the room. - I didn't see much sense even in this. I wished I would fall asleep or I would be wide awaken. But no, my body, my mind, my wishes were like a wool.

There was a time after five till twenty five. When I was thinking about sex, work, money, troubles. This thinking gave me energy to live, to achieve and even to succeed sometimes. Now I don't think about them once more. Of course I know, there are such things, but I don't see how they can matter me. Games. Strange thing. I have lost interest in toy games many years and years ago, but I always liked to play football, tennis, chess, computer games. Now I finished with it. I again lay in the bed afternoon. My thoughts are vacant. I want only one thing - to be sound asleep or to be wide awake, that's all.

(Of course I liked to construct exact models of jets and tanks from set of plastic details with glue. I have many of them. There was much dust on them so I took them to the country.) I was in my country mansion recently. There were my small soldiers. I wonder why I don't chuck them out.

***

When I was in primary school, (3-6 form), I had approximately two friends. Again I wasn't in their rooms so I can't call them a real friends. One was my Dr. Watson we used to sit at the same desk and write to each other script-notes. Script consisted, of course, from little dancing men. I have seen him a year or two ago by fluke. He became a musician. It was funny when we met we had our beards very much alike.

Another - was nothing to me. I don't remember how and why but I began to tell "terrible stories". It was when we were returning from excursion. All of us were together so I had auditory. Afterwards from whole auditory only one chap was left with me. He was of small height. He liked to hold me on my hand. I told him short stories in Hichcock's genre. It was pure improvisation. In that time I didn't see Friday 13 yet. The first "terrible" story, heard by me, was Speckled Band of Sherlock Holmes. I heard it in the kinder camp, leader (or nurse?) told us once in the evening when we were in the beds: "And now you are going to listen very terrific story." My tales weren't too bloody, they were in classic style of suspense. You never know what and why happened in my stories. But that guy liked it. It's pity he ought to move to another town. I didn't think about myself as an author. I knew I had nothing to say people.

***

I was in the institute. My father decided to buy me computer, but his stipulation was there should be very good computer. From my point of view I didn't need any computer at all. His pretext was solid, I'm studying computers so I must have one. I wanted to repartee to my father: "I can know much things about girls, but there is no need to have them on this reason."

My old acquaintance (of strong sex) helped me to choose one. I proud to say, that even its mouse still at work. (Of course I use another one now.) I can't say he was my friend on the same reason. He was in my room, (and helped me with my first computer). I never was in his flat. I am not saying I was craving to get into his room. -No, I'm just establishing a fact.

The first games were card solitaires. In the beginning - the standard Windows set, then - Solitaire Royal. There were really difficult ones. But even in simple patiences you can find real rarities. So not a long time ago I found out in the ordinary standard patience the combination which had only one, (and not easy), solution. I was so gripped by this that I made it a part of my many passwords in that time.

There were chess, but I thought faster than my computer. So there were two variants. I set less than 5 leads to count and it was no interesting to me. The second, I set it more than 6 and I lost but not because I was not clever but because I tired to wait the next move so I forgot my own intentions. After all you have no opponent. I have got many real live chess opponents in the Institute. Chess were interesting to me not by mathematician part but by psychological. The most pleasant things happened when I heard:

-"It was so foolish to loose in such childish situation"

- "You are right, but I knew I can overtake you exactly by this childish situation"

- "But this is a fraud."

- "Yes, this is a fraud. And this is the main thing I like in chess."

I used chess only to keep my level good. (By the way, they went to the chess club, so I ought to do this.) But after while I abandoned computer chess.

There were another games. I am very glad to think I had really "extra" sort of the games. There were Goblins. I consider it as sure treat. It has the food not only for the brains. The first thing, of course, this game has logic. The second thing - it is very pleasant and even erotic in some places. (Goblins III were too intricate. But chances are I had solution, and this spoilt whole thing).

The greatest game is THE TENTACLES. Cool plot and cool realization! You have thousand and thousand variants. You have dozens and dozens places, three active hero, three active time (past, future and present), the great deal of tools, (some of them you can transfer through the time, some - no.) You never to know what happen next. This is the maddest game I ever seen. But it is the simple one. If you have logic you will have a great pleasure from it. Probably if you know American "fairy" history about presidents and their threes, lighting and so on it will be easy to solve it.

My favorite game is of course THE LOST FILES OF SHERLOCK HOLMES. They caught the Victorian air. This is the real Sherlockian game. The Watson writes down everything. Once I finished this game with more than 300 pages in the journal, and another time - with nearly blank pages. You have many variants to solute one problem. There is a lot of humor. I was fascinated by this game. I can say this game is my favorite.

There were another kinds of games. I say, "Retaliator," (simulator of F-.. something) is the real classic game. There is no perfect graphic or intricate story but this is the real masterpiece. I was an ace from aces! Some guys could land their jets across runway but I could play in this game for days and days. No one target was alive after my "work". I could look only at the monitoring devices and don't look in the air. But I liked to see these real black dots. I could hit alien jet with only two shots from the machine gun, not using any from missiles. And there was very wise end of this game. You could see burning cupola of Russian churches and there were lines: "You win, but humanity had come to the end."

Talking about bloody games there was DOOM. I lived in this game many months. I could sit near computer more than 48 hours without repose. It was madness. I didn't want to loose no one per cent of life. I did them purely. After that game when I was in subway I was awaiting monsters after each column. It was real game. I'm certain it was far better then anything else in this category. For example, there were long lounges, so you could simply beckon big monster into it and then go away by another exit, or you could delude him under the press or you can make to shoot them into each other. I walked and walked in these mazes. After solid practice I could use in the first DOOM only pistol.

The DOOMII was good too but it was really difficult places. I am unable to go through them keeping 100 per cent of life and using only pistol. But listen there were levels about which you thought: "Oh, this is the real one." But when you finished all game, you are returning to this place and say: "Hey, this is easy enough even for ..." But DOOMII is more like chess you deduct good variants. You begin to realize this is designed puzzle and you are solving it. I know real soldiers are the great mathematicians too but do you remember the dialog about sweating of palms from Magnifiest Seven?

***

I have additional levels of DOOM. It was cool because they were created by ordinary guys, the fans of this game. There was the guy who gave me these levels. I wish he would be my friend. I am certain he was a special. I would be glad to see him as a husband of my sister. I have impression that I already told about him. He was from my Institute. There was a military training in the summer. I met him in the military camp. He was a commander of our platoon. There is the most difficult business to make commands and have a respect. He had respect. He had respect even from me. He wonderfully combined the firmness and the good relations with others. He was special. We used to play in so-called play "mafia" - he always divined who is "mafia". He divined my month of birthday. He wasn't a bounder, but he wasn't too meek. He had good relations with everybody, but he wasn't anxious to please. He had good stamina, but he lacked any poise. You could feel some core in him. But I pretend I was not one between the others to him. When we were leaving a camp the time came to tidy up everything. He used lottery with cards to chose executives. I wanted to take it first. But he decided to be first himself. I was second. The most amazing thing was "bad cards" were the last and the laziest and latest were ought to tidy whole camp. He gave me these DOOM levels, but I was afraid to try to begin a friendship with him. Did you read Monten by the way? He thought about men friendship very highly. I never was afraid of friendship or romance with girl. It was possibly because I never respected them at 100 per cent as equals, I don't know.

 Talking about games, my sister liked, and was able to solve only two kinds of games. First are naturally card games. Second, ROGER RABBIT II. I wish I had the games of such kind more. Have you seen the cartoon in the beginning of "Who framed Roger Rabbit?" It was the exact copy but more long. You could took part in the real animated cartoon. It was the "trick"est game I ever seen. It's funny my sister was unable to solve riddle and puzzles in this game and I was unable to be "in-time". I HATE ANY KIND OF GAMES WHEN YOU MUST DO ANYTHING 'IN-TIME'. So I found solutions and she realized them.

There was one more guy in the Institute. He was a good guy. I was a good guy too but our contacts were purely on computer games ground. He wasn't great fan of them. Neither was I. It is true I could "live in it" but I didn't feel that I belonged to the games. He gave me some games. But what is much more important he gave me advises. It was he who advised me the most of non-bloody games. I liked to discuss with him our problems:

- "How with the current level?"

- "I have done it."

- "But, damn it, how on Earth?"

- "Oh, it was quite simple."

He didn't liked DOOM-like games, I was unable to grasp the idea in Beholder or Might and Magic. What did we like? Hordes. This is really cool game. It has its own secrets, it has its own strategies, it has it's own fascination. I changed tactics many times when I was playing this game. When I finished it I had on my account many and many thousands of gold. I always have a strong desire to go to somebody and to claim my swag from each game I won.

15.april.99

Talking about avarice: First really computer game I played was in the school. There were only rows and columns with figures. But the game was really gripping. Its name was State Euphoria. You was a king there, which had some money and invested them in the different articles. Another game with similar graphic I have seen only many years ago. It was ecological simulating. You have money and you must keep lake clear. We played in it in couples. I was considered from girls part as egghead about computer games and this simulating program reminded a simple game with simple graphic, so my partner became a girl. First round was training and I deliberately tasted the extremities. When we played for the mark, we played so well that the main part of money was saved. Many other guys and dolls had worse results. They tried to keep water clear but they wasted their money and polluted their water. We even asked for our money from teacher. We talked: "Look, we saved lake, we saved money. How about bonus?"

We became with that girl on the friendly terms. She has got to know that I could be profitable husband and I realized that she would be too parsimonious wife. She was only one who called me after graduating Institute. (I also called her and asked to invest her money with my own interest but she refused. She decided to get another degree - juridical). By the way she was married in the Institute and divorced after it. She was one of three girls who said that I wold never be married.

But talking about ecological games. There was another game, which wasn't really computer. It was team game we were teams of sailors. Our team was the dream team. We weren't excellent students but we were in some authority about brains and so on. I talked to the other teams: "Hey, people, let's share whole area of water, and confine fish quotes at least for first five years. "They said: "You want to cheat us? - Nope." - It was awful our team was bound to take part in "fish race". For ten years no one fish i the whole sea was left. Many fish companies (teams) became bankrupts. We? - We accumulated pots of money and rolled in the funds, but my conscious was poisoned. I thought: "How we could make agreement with other countries when we are ready to eat each other for fistful of money."

It was our ordinary way to have many laboratory works with computers, but games were few. How could I entertain myself? There was laboratory computer work about Theory Mass Flows. - I was bored stiff. I opened in the Editor file of this program and changed whole text, visible on the screen. It weren't dirty jokes but trifle modifications, so every one who saw it was tickled to the death. By the way it was the subject of that guy who greeted me about my graduating. (I wrote something about my stunt in this ceremony.) Although I can't name myself a real foreman in the program code I liked fun but no assembler. So for example there was a game Strip Poker. First round you see dressed girl, last round - naked. Many guys and even girls tried to play in it. They probably liked cards and were sure - there is no danger on the first level. In that case I renamed last graphic file with picture with first. The staunchest of them talked: "If there is the first level, what would she show on the last? Bones?"

One time I worked in the big and rich company, (you can see something about it in Something Happened. As for me - I'm too lazy to reread my own writing). One man who thought about himself as important person found the game but unable to make no head no tail of it. I helped to him with that game but proposed him to delete it. It was porno game. You must rub in the beginning girl's hand and after her leg, - I was bored with that game after two minutes. I was always sure: why I should rub something, let's they rub me.

Absolutely unintentionally our talk reached porno theme. Our computer department had five separate rooms in the different places of building. We had unlimited IP-connection with unbelievable speed. I used Internet but didn't watch porno. Why? Hm. Dunno. But one day I have come to my chief and saw girls on his screen. He was married man. He showed me his wife's photos, when they were in Spain. I itched to ask: "Why so good wife was never snapped in the swimming costume." Call me a parrot but it drove me to the same business. Other guys in the department were absolutely loony, they watched in their room live video with maximum volume. Walls were thin. I talked them, when I dropped in for the cattle: "Are you nuts? They hear every sigh and every scream." - They (computer-guys) were deaf to my preaching.

It was even very useful to one of them. There was a girl, (behind the thin wall). He became closely acquainted with her. If earlier I thought "we" (I, other computer-guys including that particular chap), that after some time he became to think to himself "we" as himself and his girl. (She was good girl but she wasn't petite and I have doubts about her legs. And when I have doubts about somebody's legs - this is the end.)

There was another very, very cool girl. Very beautiful, attractive, clever. She wasn't even a girl but a real lady. I don't know what her age was. She could be 20, 22 and she could be 30, 32. She was the peach. But she was in the very independent and rich department. She always walked to cafe with her boss. But she wasn't his secretary. She could be an expert or specialist. The fact is he showed that he took her in his favor and she showed that she kept him under control. Chances were equal to nil. He asked me to tune some computers in his office but I chucked him off. - There was no use (to me) in any tuning and fixing even near her. I dropped in to them once or twice to glance at her at work. It was enough.

When talk turns about Internet and I say that I have it, many people are shocked. "Internet" and "porno" are equal to them. Once I dropped to the chap on the second floor. He took a fancy that he is system administrator. He asked me:

- "Still watching porno?"

-"Nope."

-"Let's look at list of your seances. Hm, really last few days there is all clear but I know all your traffic was stuffed with porno to the neck."

He was a strange chap. He had problems. But it made him luckier and more ordinary. Look, here: He had more lucrative job, he had wife. He was year younger me. He had technical education but much worse than mine. His wife divorced him. He wrote in his resume: English - fluent. He read no one English book. But some guys thought: you are smart if you write Curriculum Vitae instead of Resume and write "fluent" near English instead something else. My English isn't fluent. I don't understand what they say. I understand cartoons, Spagetti Westerns, I understand Rider on the rain (most part of it). But I don't understand CNN. (Probably I can't understand the thing, which I abhor. Rum, - I never understood girls.)

He had photo of a very attractive girl and boasted how much he is wasting on whores. I asked him:

- "Who is she?"

- "My friend"

- "Why don't you marry her?"

- "Oh, I have many friends"

You see, he had serious problems, but calling himself a system administrator and writing "English - fluent" he had more chances in everything than me.

It's a pity that I am wasting much time talking about rum guys and not telling about my favorite games. As matter of fact I should be dedicated 30 pages to The lost files of Sherlock Holmes and not less then 15 to DOOM but you can see these games for yourselves. I think the games are much like sex. I already quoted that "You shouldn't talk about it. You must have it."

It happened in this firm was fellow who was in the same post-graduate curse with me. He was as handsome as I. His muscles were on the level better then mine. (But I'm was not a weak). His car, Wolksvagen Golf, was far more smaller then mine but far more expansive. He was a chief of one of financial departments. He was year older then I. And he was mad about girls. He had another guy and they both made dates with girls nearly every evening. His ICQ list was from the top of to the bottom of screen, and this active list was always full of active girls. He had business trips and women in his department joked: "If you can't find good girl in our city may be you will be lucky in another towns."

You can say he was lucky with his career with his appearance, with his complexion, financial position and girls. He tried to keep friendship to him, but it was no good. In any ordinary friendship as a rule there are senior and inferior. By all points he should be senior, but he wasn't eager to keep this position and I would feel cramped as inferior near him. He said once. You need a girl, let's I found you a good one. - Liar. He fraud me. He madly tried to find something to himself. He liked to hear stories of barman who told as he and his wife had a sex on the beach near other couple. He even asked about exact address of this wonderful place. He once invited my chief to a party. My chief said to him: "How? In the work time?" But I wedged in: "Work time is the most convenient time for this sort of business. No suspicions could be arisen in home."

My chief was married man. He sad he loved his wife. (Some months before this he told me that he bored with his wife stiff. He said he couldn't believe that they are the same man and woman who were just married once upon a time). Now I'll present the list of colleagues and their martial status: guy who had romance with girl behind thin wall - married, guy who walked to the whores - divorced, chief of my department - married, fellow from neighbor department, telephonist),- married, this guy, chief of financial department - not married but by no means single. All off them were watching porno.

When I said that last guy:

- "Be careful. when you are watching, you are watched."

- "My God, by whom?"

- "By our young friend, system administrator."

- "Bother! And I looked at anal sex!"

He is crazy. He gad everything what he wanted. And he was interested in pervert ways. As about me I hate pervert ways. Yes, I saw probably hundred megabytes of porno. Bit I was seeking. When I found I lost whole interest to this branch of Internet. I said that to the fellow who consider himself as sys. admin. - he didn't believed me. But I have eyewitnesses.

What did I find? I found real masterpiece. As a rule porno associated with low quality, low quality in everything - in resolution, size, characters. Low quality in taste. If you call porno as something dirty, that I found no porno but only true pictures of life. I agree you can find one photo with very good girl, (even probably the most beautiful from ever lived). You can find even good composition by fluke. You can say that you find real stylish high art photo, but they would be soft erotic.

What did I find? It was the best. You had full screen picture. It was 100 explicit material. You can see distinctly everything their faces and not only faces. Characters were good enough. But the main thing was the talent of photograph. He chose staggering composition. You should use 24x or 32x colors on your monitor. It was real art. Every hue and tinge brightened another. Every tiny detail was necessary. Light was perfect. It was enough for good illumination but light remained soft. Bodies hues harmonized with background. There were photos when main themes were red and white, light blue and white and there were more intricate and delicious tones of light and colors. Some tries to use palace flourishing, but there wasn't any need in this. Even humble furnishing was conjured in the royal bed.

What mattered besides it, there were couples with physiological age 20-25. You can easily found too old or too young, as a rule professional photographer used to work with single models. So I now sight with real classic (young) stylish ladies, but you can see them only as singles. (I don't want to talk much about technical side of question but I don't understand when there is no preview and there is no rubrics. For example there is one site with enormous amount of material, but they don't make difference between anything. You can see on one page good sample and near hear perverts and even children sex. I hate such sites. But what I don't understand that these all guys in my department liked to watch everything without preview. They often had a list, consisted from thousands and thousands photos and opened one picture after other. They even tried to find passwords to the fee sites. Talking about free stuff the real good site (but not so exquisite of course) was in Russia. You find here enormous amount of big high-resolution pictures. It was the biggest and the best collection, I ever seen. But now this site was bought by gay mafia. I guess this is the very dangerous tendency in the world).

It reminded me funny accident. I had address on "hotmail" domain. I gave it by phone to the telephonist fellow and advised to make him there e-mail for himself. I thought he knew English, (he liked to read Wodehouse in original too). I thought he knew my orientation (normal, or as Butt-Head call it "sexual solitude"). But now. He calls me from another floor and says:

- "Hey, what's up, what's up? I see only nude louts."

- "Is it www.hotmail.com?"

- "Yes."

- "Are you sure?"

- "Oh, bother! How do you spell mail?"

Yes, he messed "mail" with "male". It was great fun for girls who worked in his office. But after that accident I made my mind to change my address to the neutral "usa.net" (By the way I was always tormented by question: America has male or female gender? It's female name in Russian).

My room was closer to the cafe and he used to drop in to me before the lunch. He was affable good guy. We even discussed my old acquaintance with him. Probably I already talked about it in Something Happened but there is no sin in telling about supernatural ways of my old acquaintance once more. She calls me very rarely, (as matter of fact not often than two times in whole year). So we discussed her, (as matter of fact I was boasted and bragged in the face of married man), and she suddenly called. I was so pleased (by coincidence of course) that I turned on speakerphone and made that fellow sustain that we were just talking about her. I think now it wasn't pure coincidence I would like merest chance to talk about her with more or less decent chap.

I wasn't really on short terms with him. He was telephonist and he was lamented that I made automatic readdress to other chaps from my department. (It was common practice. We had often circle re-addressing so no one could find us for weeks. Those wise guys even bolted their doors - (the very practice when you are watching porno)). After begging from this users mob he prohibited me any re-addressing (for a time), but I was angry with him. He was mild in many ways guy and allowed his wife many things. So when HIS WIFE has got to know I have Sherlockian film collection she asked him to take videotapes to watch it. What could I do? I presented him tape but in two places in the movie I inserted clips from Spagetti Westerns. (Am I a pest?)

I don't know was he well-wisher or ill-wisher to me, but what he did in one day was really cool. You know he used to drop in to my room to chat with me before lunch and girls from his room used to drop in to me to take him namely to this lunch. In that day I found that paragon porno, (not porno but "gospel truth") site. I didn't bolted door, (my mistake), so he had a time to glance at it. I showed it to him and explained what and why I found. In that moment girl from his department came in. He said:

- "Show it to her."

- "Are you crazy?"

- "It's ok. They have seen everything when I was surfing in porno."

- "Well, but only on your response."

Finally it was her choice. She glanced at it. She was dumfounded. You can't be dumfounded by porno if you have seen it before - all is the same. That is why many people are seeking for abnormal ways. But in this case everything was different. I wasn't ashamed. I was pleasantly "blushed". (People are blushing only when they think they have done right thing but this thing is considered to be always hushed.) What did she think about it? Probably, she thought I worked not in vain and dug out real thing. Probably she tried to think about how she could make her husband to do it in the same beautiful way. May be she thought about me? - Everything remained shadowed under screen of her glasses. - Usually I don't like plump girls with glasses with heavy rims. But she was another sort of girl that depicted in the KGB note. She was blond, (colored? - very possible). But more than it - after weeks later she changed her glasses for contact lenses - how kind from her part.

***

But we had and another diversions. {15.april.99 20:36 What did I write about laying? - Forget it. Now I've made physical drills and feel much better.} They were different people with different tastes. My chief liked to listen Jesus Christ Super Star, sought lyrics of Dr. Alban, sincerely told that he found physically attraction in Tori Amos and had full collection of Jean M. Jarre. As concerns me I wrote in the line, what my favorite music is, Jean M. Jarre. (It was filling the form when I tried with intelligence service. (see kgb)). I didn't see in Tori Amos any sexual appeal to me but I very like composition "Argentina". Talking about telephonist - he was loony, (except reading Wodehouse), he liked Mr. Bin and don't liked Green Acres. I can't say I am admirer of Green Acres. It is the last thing which you can watch on TV in Moscow, (~1 AM), but I never liked Mr. Bin.

They, telephonist and chief of my department played in Larry. They were crazy about it. My chief run from one room to other to get wise advise about fairy sex. One day I groped in to the telephonist, (and his girls), room. He played Larry. Even wallpaper on his "twenty-something-inches" monitor was made from Larry game. Some girl ringed on the phone. He turned on speakerphone. He liked to use speakerphone. She asked him: "Is there Larin?" He was so deep in the game so he messed names and answered: "By word, he is there!" Next moment they discussed Larry-Larin problem. When they realized their mistake I nearly burst with a laugh. (Once I tried Larry (I), (probably they played Larry II). I answered only on the questions before the start of the game. I answered them in right way but ... it was some years before depicting events. I was busy with Tweety so I should hurry off and abandon any Larries at all.)

I didn't play Larry I played in Diablo. I saw this game from Chief. He tried this game thrice and thrice times he failed. One man of age 40, (by the way my chief was 27 and had old dingy Taurus), said he won it but it was no easy. When I saw this game I at once liked it. I think this is really epic game but it has only one lack - it is very easy. I liked everything in it, especially music. You feel as you plunging in its mood. But as a rule potential of each game is much more than necessary skill to win. You have enormous amount of magic rings, shields and swords, when you can win with only few of them. It is true there was one moment when I panicked.

Before this was shown terrifying animated cartoon installation so I thought - this is the end. It was when bad wizard and many "bad girls" where all around you. I thought this is the final, so I considered the pause was given to squall all my powers on their heads. I had many ammo and strength so I tried it. But the cinch was you was given a time to escape and to beat them in the long and narrow lounges. I was confused because experience with DOOM II played dirty trick with me. There was one level in the middle of DOOM II when you haven't any escape and must win or die and the finish of DOOM II also is very bad. You have unlimited amount of monsters there. I even as scientific research turned on map mode and used invincible key. (It was only in scientific researches when I used such keys.) It was madness my processor began to loose its ability to match this game. By the way I like when after finish there should be good animated cartoons but in the DOOM II you can see only show of monsters - nothing else.

So I guessed it Diablo was cool and difficult game but it was only cool. There were moments when I hadn't place in the square to down load money and things. All was crowded with heaps of money, and Diablo appeared to be as simple pet. I realized that I risked in vain. But my risk was real, not imaginative. This game was in the chief room, (his speakers were better), so I used to sit there until 9 PM. I was the last leaving the building. Some nosey securities tried to make a scandal about it but I persuaded my chief that our department needs special permission to work when and where we wanted. Of course there were "dirty tricks" in the game itself. For example, once I was in the fracture of the moment from failure. In Diablo you can save only one version and this is very bad. I saved when I thought I was sound and safe but in the next moment a couple of dozen of enemies arrows were in my back. I tried to escape many and many times beginning from the saved moment and it was really terrible.

What I liked in Diablo else it was you could improve yourself - you could invest either in your strength either in dexterity either in magic. I ignored any magic, considering this as unfair business not worth to the real warrior. I can say my balance of abilities was pleasant to me. But what was really great it was the moral in the end. You killed the beast but became the beast yourself. - Cool.

Talking about unnecessary attributes - Warcraft II is a very good game but you have so much possibilities, which you don't use. It's true you have a chance to spoil whole business but the game is not difficult enough. It is prototype of Dune. DuneII was given me that computer guy in the Institute, (who liked Beholder). DuneII was great in that time. Of course there is much pleasure to fight on the Earth between trees, lakes and gold mining as in the WarcraftII but DuneII was perfect in strategy sense. I could do everything what I wanted. And there is another difference between Dune and Warcraft - in Warcraft as a rule it is you who attacked and this is crucial to destroy enemy's supplies. Playing Dune you always feel pressure from attacks. But it was cool. One day I constructed defensive guns right near enemy base and deleted it practically not using tanks. When I was green, (don't remember their official name), I made huge armies. They were like a shield and when I have sufficient fist I broke down any base. When I was Harkonnen in the last level I had some missiles plant. It was enough to sent scout to find enemy's base and then to push red button. (I talked so much about these games only because it is easy to depict them.)

One of the best games in the art sense was MDK. I wonder it wasn't very popular. I was amazed by art of scenery. I feel envy even now to the designers of this game. Perspective, color composition, feeling of light and volume - all is perfect. It is true you must have good computer to play this game. But I think this game was loony in one respect. It had no logic or its logic was twisted deliberately. You can have two or even three difficult levels without any repose or replenishment of ammo. And as a matter of fact the most difficult levels are in the middle of the game but the final level is the easiest one. This game has another peculiarity - renewable enemies. If you didn't delete their well they would appear without end. I have nothing against it, (but in DOOM I hate nightmare mood - this game should be only "to live once"). All I can say it's a very pity I erased it and unable to show some pics. from it.

Ordinary "turning a new leaf in my life" is beginning with erasing all good games. (Am I crazy?) I even had a fancy to erase whole Internet but was stopped by hurdles of this technical realization. Some games I had on discettes, but this are the difficulties to setup Dos applications to the Widows platform, and I am not particularly eager to setup my old games. I've done with them. There is one game, which I played recently (two month ago). It was Road Rash. I like motorcycles more then cars in the computer games. Road Rash is one of the best in its class. This game contains a lot of humor and many possibilities. I often jumped over cars (good luck), or rode in the forest (bad luck). This game is very useful in the relaxing my nerve system. I like everything in it. What I don't like in it? When I played full cycle game I saved money for the best motorcycle. I won only first places but when I had enough money to buy it, every ugly mug already had it, (and this is unfair). This is also unfair to wrestle on the road. I didn't like all hits, twists and kicks, which I bore and forbore. What I failed to understand: you can fall not one time, you can fall thrice - the result will not much duffer. Again, when you finished you have only some kind words and no any good animated cartoon.

17.april.99

But talking about some kind words and about what prevented me from furthest watching porno. Have you ever had comparisons between love affairs (sex) and computer games (action)? Are there any unexpectednesses in games? - A lot of. I remember how I flinched when I heard beastie breath in the Quake (I). I remember that panic in the face of jumping and sucking monsters. Have you any unexpectednesses in sex? - Probably, but they should be chiefly not pleasant ones.

It was absolute unexpectednesses to play with human enemies. When you begin to play with humans you can't play in anything else. You know we had good LAN, conference phone connection, good sound, no time limits and absence of control from anybody. There was one guy - my chief - he tried to do any restrictions first month but after time he abandoned whole idea.

It started in one office when we sat with financial analysts. Every lunch time we were fighting on the last level of Quake (I). It was something, worth of watching. In that time my logic was tuned to the fight with computer monsters. I couldn't catch psychology of my enemies. I never was good hitter and smart tactics worths nothing when you are fighting in the close range with mad five or more guys. But I often was third or second. (depends on amount of partakers.) I didn't liked the manner of that game. I hope you know the topology of last level in Quake (I). All guys were just running around pull with fire water. You haven't a moment to rest. It is true there are rare moments but only when you are killed all your enemies and they haven't time to reappear yet. You should have good sense of prediction to know not where your enemy is but where he will reburned.

What I don't like in Quake - you must hit your target exactly. This game includes much from snipering than real tactics and strategy. (That is why I liked DOOM.) There was one economist, (had new ford), and my chief who were reckless, run without stopping and shot without missing. And of course it was a question of time. I could have bad results first minutes and last two hours, (we often stretched our "coffee-break" till "tea-time" because every one in the office, (top bosses sat separately), was in the game.)

I wonder when you say "you" you mean singular or plural? In Russian there are two different words for " singular you" and "plural you". But you ought to call officially respectable man as "plural you". If to try to interpret this in English, I can say - we called each other as "Sir". And it was good. Many people had very noble appearance, (some of them had good white beards, some had foppish business suits, some had indecently enormous bank accounts). But when we played you could hear only beasts breath and trumping from JBL-dynamics and our shrieking - "Hey Mr.!" ... "What's up, Doc?" ... "I've got you! I've got you!" ...."And now, all your bastards, just look up at me ..." ...."Where is he? I've lost him! Kill him, kill him, anybody! He haven't any life and ammo at all!" I don't know is it good or is it bad when men are yelling when they have sex but talking about games - it is definitely cool!

When we moved in the new office, that when we had many separate rooms, there was little breach in the play. (As matter of fact we had some starting, tuning and fixing of LAN system in the new building). How we started? I dunno. The telephonist came in and said:

- "We had a good fighting in the White House."

- "How so?"

- "Yes and there are a plenty of racy pics in that House too."

It was patch to the Duke Nukem (II ? - don't remember, - Probably). So I happened to be in the Duke. If you want to play this game only with monsters this game is worse than DOOM, (in my opinion). You can fly, you can swim but it is all foolish. The base command was of three of us - I and two telephonists. Sometime other guys affiliated but they were irregular troops. As a rule we fight each for himself. But when we had another fighters it became to the human hunting - we divided into teams. We separated our selectors and our team had its own selector connection. (You could be killed but revealed enemy's intentions, so you told about them to your army mate and he had a good revenge.)

I haven't much skill to tell about it and this is physically impossible. We played in it months and months! We came in to the job started our computers and began to fight, finishing only late evening. I already have got to know the difference between humans and computer monsters. My shooting also was improved but I was too emotional to use jumping and stepping back and good cold-blooded hitting. If you are cold-blooded why are you play at all? We have different levels ones were a very limit area and you have open fighting and others were long and intricate and you had ambushes ammo accumulating and fast pursuits.

There were many duels. I think courting and duelling have a lot of in common. I don't want to begin to discuss this because this is very fundamental theme. You know I was always crazy about Westerns. And the main part of it was DUEL. When only you and he (she) and THE QUESTION IS - WHO IS TO START FISRT? I never was drunk but when you fight all day and had at least one good duel you feel such a boozing in your head. If you play football or hockey, you have physical realization, (in sex too), but when you are killing and running and dying all the day without any breaks, your muscles, your attention, all your will to live and don't let to live are at their climax. I guess the similar thing you can have only when you are driving car on the unlimited speed and other fellows tried to make a race from it.

I can't say it was only psychology or skill. It was real life luck, (of course you can deserve any luck, when you are trying to kill somebody and they are trying to kill you hardly.) There were one level in the Duke when you have round room, in the middle piston building is and around it - narrow stairs. There is no place to hide except one or two caverns. I out scored them on this level greatly once time. It was a shame to them. They even cooperated to destroy me, but failed. Of course there was another day and I lost my first place on this level. But they tried really hard and I already wasn't much interested not to be killed less than others. (I already told you some day, that you probably could have many things but you must want them deadly.) I already knew I could outscore practically any enemy in first 45 minutes. After that more stubborn and healthy persons tear away the flag of victory from my hands.

They knew only by intricate topology and the possibilities of exact shooting they could get me down. They were already crazy about Duke. If we took new level they began to cry: "But how did you kill me????" They never knew when and where my ambushes were, (they died before they were able to see me). They said I used dirty tricks. What is dirty trick? - I could throw bomb into teleporting door. There was a level with many aquariums, I liked to shoot through the hatches and they died like a flies and when they realized they where infuriated. Really one dirty trick of mine was - I made my dynamics quieter to hear theirs. So I was able by hearsay to define their location when they were out of my outlook.

They decided QuakeII is far better. - You can targeting horizontally and vertically and the amount of huge levels was enormous. Again I could made good result in the bad, (not convenient to my manner) level. There were some bad things to me too. For example you could find any possible health and ammo you could have 200% of it and was wondering into the mazes but after that you could be killed from one or two shots. This is crazy. I didn't like it because the most yellish had more chances. If you are running in seeking enemies for hours you became an easy target to them. There is the difference between Duke. In Duke there is no such long levels and you can't be killed in the fracture of the moment so you have some kind of parity.

Of course I had my favorite levels in the QuakeII - Ok. look here - at Pics of two good levels (# - number of weapon). You couldn't mistake me with anybody else. It was time when our base group consisted from me, two telephonists and chief. Chief and one telephonist used women images, I and another telephonist used men's. One telephonist was very seriously taken by this game, another telephonist was good sniper, my chief was reckless fast and not bad hitter too. Other guys dropped in and out from time to time in the day time. I liked to use different nicknames, (often with rhythm). I remember only one "Funky Monkey". But they couldn't recognize me. I could hear their yells: "Who's the Damn Funky Monkey??? Hey guy, help me to kill him!" They were infuriated. Do you think it is easy to find out, who it was when you have only 4 main players and only two of them in men images? ;-) They only knew there is such chap as Funky Monkey when they could read on their displays: "So-and-so was killed by Funky Monkey".

Two days I killed them dozens and dozens times and they hit me no one time. It was marvelous! Look at pic1. I liked to use #8 if you have position opposite to main gate - you practically won. You had enough ammo and shield there. The cinch was - first thing you saw was opening the main gate, the second - your enemy. I didn't wait for the enemy and used a good deal of my rockets when I saw the door was to open. Even if they stood only near that gate they were the same dead men. (If you use #9 you must be exact but it's sufficient to kill by #8 its blasts.) They tried to get this place, all three of them tried to kill me in one gang - all futile. I changed my tactics. It's true there were evident good places, which were found by me and used afterwards by all but I had contrivance to concoct something else. That is why I hadn't many chances after week play in one level. I was already bored with it and they were good pupils.

If you look at level 2 you will see the cellar. Some of them knew I was here, waited to see me there, but again failed. I could start to fire first, I could slightly change my position, I could appear at their back. Few times (as matter of fact a little bit more) I was squatted right in the open square. But it was twilight and they so panicked that they didn't see me at all. They had got to know it was me only notorious sign on their displays: "You was killed by ..." It was like a bolt from the blue so I used for such occasions nick - Holy Bolt. Another my favorite joke was - to sit on the first-aid set, (it was renewable), so they was physically unable to kill me.

They were at their wits end. They new I was ordinary fighter. They had experience in killing me. They just couldn't fathom how on earth I ... So they proposed abandon renewable supplies, they proposed to fight only with pistols - they proposed many things with only sole general motive - to kill me. In such moment I tried not to talk with them, I could only laugh at them but I was really much concentrated I can't say I was preoccupied - it's just like a "drive".

There were crazy they shrieked (really) any blasphemies, which they knew. (I should clarify - English language hasn't really obscene words, you can hear all of them in any movie, to children recommended. Otherwise in Russian, dirty words are considered to be really dirty. To hear one Russian dirty word from TV is impossible. If only one such word said in the ordinary party you could consider it ruined forever.) So I heard the flow of dirtiest words in my address in my speakerphone. After that they all came to my room and began abuse and scold and swear me. I asked them:

- "Hey guys, this is the fair game. I just can't help it."

We had only one prohibition in Quake II (and hadn't it in Quake I) - we had no right to use "Quake Sign". So I obeyed to this rule dutifully. But in answer they were ready to apply rude physical force to persuade me in the contrary. I couldn't talk with them any more I was strangled by bursts of laugh. They tickled me nearly to the death. Whole week after that we hadn't any plays. And form that moment the warrior dalliance was fading to its end. They were too bilious. When they killed me they began dancing around their tables and shoot "I have done it, I have done it!" Besides it there were so many interesting things in the worlds besides Quake.

18.april.99

My fault, I like to talk about computers too much. What do other fellows talk about between themselves? - Definitely not weather. But computer theme is not auxiliary to me. This is the only one branch when I can boast openly. And I really cared about games. There was no need to dramatize the theme. I was eager to talk about it. Do you remember that guy from previous note? I thought he would make me a company after sub-faculty meeting and he said that his girl was waiting him. He is fatter than I (at least I think so). He wears glasses. I look more mature than he, more wiser and more self reliant. I talked him about my computer game adventures. Next time we met I retold him the same story. And he had a girl. But what do I want? He reminds me a puppy, but he is a first year graduate in the one of the most prestige Institutes. And even any 18-year old can deserve girl's love. I don't know I don't feel deserving any love in present moment.

May be I thought the computer games are safe. No one took me seriously. Any one thought I was good chap who had harmless ideas. I could easily start a chat and (as it seemed to me), keep a good company. No one told me: "Oh, you so tiresome, get off please." I hate TV-ad of Nescafe. They show very sexually oriented ad clips. One of their main phrases - "And even mind to talk with girls about computers!" Probably they are right, if to have deal with ordinary girl.

Suppose you meet the girl, which you have no right to miss. But she is very .... unapproachable? - No, she looks kind to you but how will you dare to step beyond ordinary good terms? You haven't common parties. You haven't opportunity to walk with her on the way home. There are so many men and women near her. Her girlfriends don't release her even for a moment. What would you do?

I hope you remember that institute computer guy who helped me with games. He knew I was very interested in any Westerns. So he proposed me to try the production of Laser Games, namely - The Last Bounty Hunter. It makes me shivering only to watch good western but to try real one by myself was the limit of my desires.

Dan is a strange guy, he is a fan of ... But you know that hockey fellow. As about me, I am not a fan. I hate to watch anything. There is no such thing as porno. Only one porno is. And that is "watching". I wonder many people are sure that all aesthetes are contemplators. They even often are messing up these definitions. But this is their deepest mistake. I never was a football fan, I never was a hockey fan, I never was a porno fan. Why did I stop to watch porno? Probably psychiatrists could find many clever answers. It happened that one day I asked myself: "Why I should look at it?" I can't explain the sense of this phrase, its interpretation, but this is what fermented in my mind - "Why should I look at it?" And much, much earlier, (even not after watching M.7, but about twenty years ago), only one maxim wedged in my mind - "One owes nothing to anybody".

Returning to Maxim. (The name of Institute guy, helping me with games, was Maxim. By the way the name of my old acquaintance from Institute, who helped me with buying my first computer was Maxim too. Usually I called each of them as Max. I wonder - Reppie is diminutive of what?) So it was in the most boisterous time in my life. The time when my big notes are dated. (kgb, crime). It was May, 1996, the happiest May of the happiest year. But who knew?

I found an address of a very cheap computer store. I bought three CD. Next morning I was preoccupied with installing CDs. Fist one - Full Throttle - failure. Second one - Tales of the Tired West - scratch crosswise the disk. Third - The LAST bounty hunter - Ooops .... amazing but it have got to work! IT STARTED!

It was afternoon when I was able to look at it, to taste it, to start it. I went into ecstasies. Docs call it "euphoria". At last I found it, my dream have come true! I was a real bounty hunter! All seemed good, kind and perfect! Design of the game, its idea, its realization. I looked in the window - the spring was in its pink. It was the best weather I ever seen. What could I do in such circumstances? I had a need to share my happiness. I felt I could do everything, positively everything, what I really wanted. I even was intending to risk and to show my new game to my chief dicks. (see also "crime".)

But what a pity! (Or may be what a luck?) - I was alone, they all left office afternoon. It's said fashionable woman must have the same feelings when she is left alone with last fashion set on the uninhabited isle. I couldn't sit quietly, I began to pace the room, I even walked into the lounge. I was driven to madness. I didn't make any decisions. I didn't think at all. I just ran out and directed to the office of nearest firm. (By fluke it happened to be a legal advising company and not a local asylum). They have seen young guy, very excited about something, mumbling about the most "something" in the world and urgently calling to follow him.

I didn't remember how many girls followed me. When I was near computer, by my shoulder stood only two of them. It were two girlfriends, (I saw as they walked after work together). One of them was very smart girl or may be she was cold to that particular game? The fact is, she left soon (when I began to explain the plot of the game). And when I finished to explain I realized I was in the whole office with only one girl. It was the girl who really cared. I don't know did she care about game but it was unimportant. The most important thing was it was she about whom I really cared. It was she whom I have seen looking in the window one April day. It was she.

porno pic. | baunty hunter

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