"The missing ingredient" Writtenby Kevin Scromeda FADE IN: INT. POSH RESTAURANT - EVENING The resteraunt is BUZZING with the early evening dinner croud. It's an upper-middle class eating establishment. The kind of place where bankers and stock brokers would eat. A snooty eaiter enters the frame from the right. He is carrying a huge plate of dishes. DOLLY BEHIND WAITER The camera follows him as he weaves his way through the patrons to a solitary table near the back. Sitting at the table, is a rather large man wiping his face with the corner of the table cloth. Before him is a huge pile of half-eaten plates of greasy food. The man lets out a belch as the waiter approaches. He is not pleased. WAITER Will that be all for you tonight sir? SIR There were rats in my souffle again! WAITER Excuse me? SIR You heard me Slim, there were rats in my souffle again! The waiter is a little confused. WAITER Sir, I . . . SIR Big chunks of rat meat, tails too. What are you trying to pull? I mean one time was bad enough, but this is outrageous!! WAITER Sir, I can assure you, there are no rats in our kitchen, let alone in our souffle. If you would just calm down, I'm sure we could arrange . . . SIR (getting angry) NO! I would like to speak to the manager right now! The waiter rolls his eyes.. WAITER Certainly sir, one moment. He walks off to get his manager. SIR (to everyone else in the restaurant) DID YOU HEAR THAT EVERYONE? RATS IN THE SOUFFLE! WHAT NEXT? Five Minutes later the manager walks up to the table. He's wearing an extremely phony smile on his thin face. MANAGER What seems to be the trouble? SIR There were rats in the souffle again! MANAGER What do you mean rats? SIR I mean there were chunks of rat meat in my dinner! MANAGER Well did you save a piece of this rat meat for evidence? SIR No. MANAGER Why not? SIR Because I was hungry! MANAGER So you enjoyed the meal? SIR Yes. MANAGER Well what exactly do you want me to do? SIR (losing his temper) DON'T YOU GET IT? HAVE YOU ALL GONE ENTIRELY MAD? THERE WERE FUCKING RATS IN THE SOUFFLE, AGAIN!! MANAGER Well I'm sure we could make you another souffle, would that be alright? SIR No! I want to see the kitchen. The manager sighs. MANAGER Of course sir, right this way. They both get up and exit the frame. FIVE MINUTES LATER CUT TO: INT. KITCHEN Sir is now Standing in the kitchen with the waiter. Chefs and other waiters BUZZ around them, obviously annoyed. SIR So, no rats eh? Well what are those? He points to something on the floor. WAITER They're bags of flour. SIR Uh huh. And those there, what're they? He points to something else. WAITER (humorless) Eggs, sir. SIR What kind of eggs? WAITER Chicken eggs. SIR (suspicious) Not rat eggs? WAITER Rats don't lay eggs, sir. SIR Oh yeah? Who told you that? WAITER I don't know? Everyone know that rats don't lay eggs. They're mammals, warm blooded creatures that give birth to their young and nurse them with milk. SIR I didn't know that. WAITER You thought that rats laid eggs? SIR Yes. WAITER Well they don't! Trust me. Sir ignores him and points to something else. SIR Well if that's not a rat, then I don't know what is. The waiter sighs again. WAITER That's an onion, sir. SIR An onion? WAITER Yes. SIR Can I taste it please? WAITER Fine! He hands the onion to Sir. Sir takes a huge bite and CHEWS it for a while. SIR Hmmm, and you take these onions, cut them up, and put them in the souffle? WAITER Yes. SIR How many do you put in each one? WAITER I don't know, one or two onions in each. SIR You mean one or two rats, right? WAITER No I don't, I mean one or two onions. SIR Right. So I guess you guys have got bags of these things in the back. WAITER Yes, we do. SIR Can I see them? The waiter starts to rub his temples. WAITER What's there to see? They're bags of onions! SIR You mean bags of rats! WAITER (angry) No, onions! Bags of fucking onions! SIR Are you calling me a liar? WAITER No, sir I . . . SIR Well I am. WAITER You're what? SIR A liar. WAITER (confused) Oh, so there weren't any rats in your souffle? SIR Yes. WAITER Yes what? SIR Yes there were onions in my souffle. WAITER Not onions, rats! SIR (smiles) Exactly. The waiter is at the point of breaking. WAITER I think you better leave. SIR I can't leave, I live here. WAITER You live where? SIR Here in the kitchen, with the rats. The waiter explodes. WAITER THERE ARE NO RATS, DON'T YOU GET IT! SIR (confused) No rats? Well then what was in my souffle? WAITER Onions! SIR Onions? WAITER Yes, onions! A smile creeps over Sir's face. SIR Okay, see you tomorrow. WAITER (sighs) Yes sir. FADE OUT: - K. Scromeda - Copyright 1998
