BACK TO THE FUTURE
Click here to return to the recent columns.
On April 12, 2000, a time capsule will be sealed by the City of Aiken and will not be opened until the year 2100. Today’s Mike’s Life column is going into that time capsule. So, basically, there’s no point in reading this here in 2000, because it’s just going to be a rerun in 100 years anyway.
Greetings, people of the future!
I write to you from the year 2000, in an effort to bridge our time with yours, a century into the future. First off, let me explain something to you – you are NOT in the 22nd century. That comes next year. Hopefully, a century has put an end to that whole thing, but you just never know.
I have decided to fill you in on some of the tidbits about 2000 that may have been forgotten. There may be plenty of stuff in this time capsule – magazines, letters, puppies – but some of that may not give you the total picture that I can. That’s because, as I’m sure your history books have told you, I am the brightest, most handsome, most charismatic man in America. (Editor’s note: Be glad you’re in the future. At least you didn’t have to put up with him.)
It is an exciting time here in 2000. We have a presidential election on the way. (Hey, kids – if you’re playing Trivial Pursuit 2100, one of the answers may very well be John McCain!) The two candidates are Al Gore and George W. Bush, Jr. Actually, there will be a third candidate from the Reform party, but here in 2000, the Reform party’s primary purpose is humorous distraction.
But all of our focus is not on the presidential election, nosirree! We also spend 40-50% of our waking hours complaining about gas prices, which are kicking around at around $1.40 a gallon. I tell you this because, assuming you are still using gas powered cars, the price has probably risen up to around $50,000 per gallon, as that is the current curve it is on. Hopefully, you will have found an alternative fuel source, such as ground up oil executives.
In 2100, I am sure you have computers doing everything for you. For all I know, they may have taken over the earth by that time. Happens all the time in movies. Back here, we are just getting used to the computer and the internet. For years, the main purpose of the internet was what we called "downloading dirty pictures." Now, of course, we have begun to develop many practical uses for internet commerce, such as creating an unstable stock market. I trust you and your future brethren have figured out new and exciting ways to harness the power of the internet, although something tells me I know what a lot of you are using it for. Some things never change.
On television, the most popular show is the game show "Who Wants to be a Millionaire," hosted by Regis Philbin. I seriously doubt the show has made it to the year 2100, because in 100 years, being a millionaire will mean making minimum wage. A cup of coffee will probably cost $100. Oh, wait. It already does at Starbucks.
In sports, athletes make headlines off the field as much as on these days. Is most of the NFL still in prison? Are they cellmates with the NBA? Do you know who Don King is? If not, look him up. (Note to parents of the future: DO NOT let your kids be like Don King. Trust me, folks.)
In news, most of us are riveted over the story of little Elian Gonzalez, whose story is so gripping that none of us will be able to remember his name in 2001. Elian is a little Cuban boy who was rescued in an innertube while trying to make it to the US from Cuba. There is a big controversy as to whether Elian should be returned to Cuba or stay in Miami (which, to me, is the same thing). You see, in our time, Cuba is considered bad, and the only thing they are allowed to import is baseball players. In your time, Cuba is probably a fantastic resort locale. You probably stay at the Castro Hilton when you go there. Not us. We have to maintain our hatred of Cuba for now, and have our Cuban cigars smuggled in through Toronto.
Well that pretty much sums up life in 2000. (Editor’s note: Geez, he’s just a walking history book, huh?) I hope that you find all of the contents in the time capsule enlightening, and that they give you a glimpse of our life in the year 2000. We aren’t perfect here in 2000, but we’re doing the best we can. I hope you’ve made strides over the past 100 years and made the world a better place. Hopefully, over the past 100 years, you have abolished poverty, stamped out hunger, and put an end to war. I hope that your time is a joyous one, with freedom unencumbered, wealth unlimited, and happiness unending. And, if I have great, great grandchildren still in the area, tell them I said hi.
E-mail me at mwg1234@yahoo.com. However, if you are reading this in the year 2100, I’m probably not still checking my e-mail.