WANT A PIECE OF ADVICE?
Click here to return to the previous columns.
On occasion, I get letters or e-mails from folks wanting my advice on various matters. Why, I have no clue. One of the letters referred to my "expertise in customer service." I don’t consider being unwelcome in numerous stores much of an expertise.
Regardless, I think it’s time I answer some of the inquiries. And, since none of those are ever very interesting, I have decided to make some up instead.
Dear Mike,
I have ABBA’s "Dancing Queen" stuck in my head. What should I do? – Bill S.
Well, Bill, it’s common to have Sweden’s favorite rock back tearing through your brain. I suggest humming a few bars of Kenny Rogers’ "Coward of the County." Should trump out ABBA.
Dear Mike,
I have a crush on a co-worker. How should I approach her and let her know my feelings? – Frank B.
Frank, you should, under no circumstance, approach your co-worker. In fact, you should sever all communication with her. Women like it when you play hard to get. Do everything you can to avoid her. If she is walking down the hall towards you, scream and run the other way. If she approaches you at the coffee pot, throw scalding coffee on her and run. Love will be in your very near future, Frank.
Dear Mike,
My left eye keeps twitching uncontrollably. What should I do? Dana R.
Dana, it sounds to me like you’re low on potassium, a vitamin that helps muscles function normally. There is only one solution – you must remove the eye, as it is clearly trying to monopolize your body’s potassium supply. It’s your only chance for survival.
Dear Mike,
I asked you for advice on a noise my car was making, and you told me that I should sink it into a river and collect insurance money. I now face 15 years in federal prison for insurance fraud. Thanks a lot, you loser! When I get out of the joint, I’m gonna feed your head to an alligator! – Mark T.
Uh, Mark, that wasn’t a question, now was it?
Dear Mike,
The winter months have really put my husband into an awful mood, and I think I may have no alternative but to smother him with a pillow. Any thoughts on how I can get him out of his funk? Tabatha G.
Tabatha, it’s very clear that that’s not your real name, as my wife is not named Tabatha. I think you should cut your husband some slack, as the winter months are severely cutting into his grilling time, which, understandably, makes him fussy. I think a nice long massage would cure what ails him!
Dear Mike,
I don’t feel like my vote really counts? What should I do? – Ron F.
Ron, it’s common to feel like a single vote is meaningless. But, I’m sorry to report, Ron, your vote is meaningless. Might as well sleep in on election days from now on.
Dear Mike,
My dog barks uncontrollably at night. Nothing seems to work. I think the neighbors are getting upset. (One has taken shots at us.) Is the dog trying to tell me something? – Teddy H.
You bet, Teddy. The dog is telling you that the neighbors are actually communist agents working to overthrow the government. (That dog of yours is smart, Teddy!) You’ve got to stop them. Fire back at them immediately. Don’t stop until freedom is secure.
Dear Mike,
Do you really think you should be handing out advice, when it’s clear you’re about as qualified as a ferret to do so? – Betty A.
Hey, never stopped Dr. Laura. And I’ve never posed nude.
Dear Mike,
When can we expect more insightful advice? – Sarah L.
Whenever I’ve got writer’s block again.
E-mail all of your advice questions to mwg1234@yahoo.com.