AMERICA: WE ROCK

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So I was at dinner with my family the other night when it occurred to me – this is the greatest country in the world. And not by a narrow margin, either. We rock, and other countries lag way behind us.

The reason I had this epiphany is that we were discussing grocery shopping. (Truth be told, I have no idea why we were discussing grocery shopping. Just kinda ended up there.) Anyway, my sister remarked that she had made a point to eat a big meal before she went grocery shopping so as not to buy unnecessary items. All of us nodded in agreement, knowing we, too, had fallen victim to the Hungry Shopper Disease.

That’s when it all became clear to me. Where else in the world is it common knowledge not to go shopping when you’re hungry? Nowhere, that’s where! For one thing, most people around the world are always hungry, so they would never get a chance to go shopping. And the fact that we have to do this rather than buy a big can of Big John’s Beans and Fixins, because they look good at the time, but, in reality, taste like they actually have chunks of Big John in them makes this country king. Do you realize the beauty in having to take active steps to keep yourself from buying food you don’t need, worse yet, may not really want a few days later!?!?!

At that point, I began to think of other reasons this country is the greatest country, hands down:

1. We put our pets on diets. Most people in the world don’t get enough food, yet our pets get fat. I know mine do. One of my dogs and my cat are both on low-calorie foods now. There are people in Somalia who could survive off of my cat for a week, and I’m worried about her cholesterol.
2. The most feared man in our country? A dictator? A rebel leader? A savage military mastermind? Nope. He’s a 40-something supergeek who may be able to read your e-mail. You gotta admit, if you’ve gotta have a supervillain, the power to read your e-mails is a lot better than, say, nuclear winter.
3. The lottery debate. Now, I’m not taking a side here, but that’s just because I never win and I think it is rigged against me. But don’t you think it’s great when a big concern is whether or not lotteries take advantage of people who are fiscally irresponsible? We have so much dough here that the country occasionally needs to step in and save you from yourself. "Mr. Gibbons – it’s the country. Step away from your money. We’ll take it from here."
4. Lawyers. A lot of people knock lawyers. A lot of those people have never been charged with the double murder of their ex-wife and her restaurant friend, possibly losing their Heisman Trophy as a result. My friends – you would be on the phone faster than you can say "Robert Shapiro" if you were in that predicament. That’s the beauty of this country – principles only apply in general, not when it directly involves you. It’s all well and good until you’re the one who may be in prison for the rest of your life, serving as Big Stu’s "date" for the next 30 years.
5. Oil change places. I know how to change my oil in my car. I think. I certainly have a friend who knows, and I could call him and bribe him with a six-pack. But that doesn’t stop me from dropping it off at one of those 20-minute places that does it for you for $30. And why? Because my time is better spent reading a two-year-old copy of People magazine than shimmying under my car and getting oil all over my face. Other countries – they’d love to have a car that worked, much less the oil that goes in it.
6. Vegetarians. First off, to all of you vegetarians out there – you are missing out on some good stuff. Nothing quite so good as a medium rare New York Strip, marinated and cooked just right on the grill. The cow was not murdered, you silly hippy! The cow is a martyr. A delicious, steak-filled martyr. But, that said, I think it’s awesome that we live in a country where there is so much food that you can totally remove a major food component like meat and still get full. There are people around the world who would eat live goats if they could get their hands on them, and you’re CHOOSING to live off of asparagus! Brilliant!

Well, that’s all of the time I’ve got for now. I’m sure I’ve missed a few of the things that make this country great. If you want to, send me little things in the world that make this country great, and I’ll list them in a column in the near future. However, as in times past, I must remind you – you actually have to e-mail them to me, as my ESP is in the shop. I could fix it myself, but I’d rather have someone else do it.