HIGH PRAISE FOR THE CABLE FOLKS

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I spend a lot of time and a lot of energy complaining about various stores and companies with which I have run-ins.

Some of it is justified. Or at least I have convinced myself it is. Other times, well, let’s just say that the stores themselves seem less than happy with my output. (And, for the record, I don’t think a severed goat head is a very civilized way to show your disapproval.)

But the bottom line is that I rarely miss an opportunity to share with you my bad experiences in the world of business. So, I figured, why not share a pleasant experience?

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, "Mike, you make it sound like you have not had a pleasant consumer experience in the last 25 years. Why should we believe you now?"

Simple -- because why would I lie to you? What do I have to gain by lying to you, the good readers of this paper? If I could get something out of you, I would have made up lies years ago, with columns entitled things like, "Mrs. Ethel P. Laramie, you owe me $25."

So, rather than my overtly negative usuals, my praise this week goes to my cable company, who came through with flying colors in my time of crisis, and didn’t even have to think about getting a restraining order.

It was about an hour before a very important sporting event, and I flipped on the television in anticipation of the pre-game. Instead, I saw what looked like footage of Minnesota in January -- nothing but snow.

I glanced at the clock and realized I had less than an hour before the game was on and my friends were taking up their usual spots on my couch and spilling beer on their usual spots on my carpet. I grabbed the phone and called my cable company. A very pleasant-sounding woman answered the phone. This is what she heard:

"My cable -- out -- people -- coming over -- can’t see -- ahhh!!!!" Rather than transferring to a 911 operator as most people would have, she screamed, "For the love of all things holy, get a hold of yourself, man! It’s a baseball game, and it’s not even the playoffs yet, you spaz!"

OK, so she didn’t, but that’s what I would have told me. Instead, she asked where I lived. I told her, and she explained to me that a line had been cut while some construction was going on. She said the manager was on his way out there as we spoke. "Well," I said, "is he going to have it back on before the game starts? This is an important game, after all, and the future of mankind may very will depend on it."

"We’ll do our best," she said. "Go take your medicine," she probably thought.

I sat with nervous anticipation, staring at the fuzzy screen for what seemed like an eternity (Wife’s note: He sat there for about six seconds before he got up and began pacing around the living room like an expectant father, like that’s gonna make a difference. He’s got all of the patience of a hungry cheetah in a room of overweight antelopes.)

After my eternity, I called the cable company back, just to make sure they hadn’t forgotten about me. They hadn’t. "Don’t worry, sir," she said, still somehow remaining pleasant. "The crews are on the scene. We’ll have you ready to go in no time."

This was too much to take. I could not sit idly by while crews were on the scene! It was time for action! So, I did the least sensible thing -- I hopped in my car and began driving around my neighborhood looking for the crews. I don’t know what I thought I was going to do if I found them. "Hey, guys! Nice cable-putting-back-together you got going on there!" I would have been about as much help to these guys as a steak knife is to a vegetarian.

Fortunately, they were nowhere to be found. I came storming back in my house, convinced that they had been lying to me about fixing the cable. I walked into the house and grabbed the phone, ready to give them a real piece of my mind for what they had done. And then I heard the sound.

It was the sweet, life-giving sound of cable television, pouring through my living room. It was cable, and it was mine! I sat there, nearly in tears over the beauty of my now-functional cable (Wife’s note: Sadly, that’s true. Raise your hand if you feel sorry for me. Thought so.)

Before I could be totally swept up in the moment, my phone rang. It was my cable company, calling to let me know that my cable should be functional again! They care! They care about me! They wanted me to know! And they probably wanted me to stop calling!

But the bottom line is, they busted out a top-notch customer service performance, and my hat is off to them. Everything worked out well, and it is all thanks to them. Thank you, cable company. And thank you, Mrs. Laramie, for the $25.