HOW TO FAIL IN BUSINESS WITHOUT REALLY TRYING

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The other day I was cleaning out my garage, as I often do every 6-10 years.

While rooting around behind a table that hadn’t been used since Kennedy was president, I found my old briefcase, and boy, did it bring back memories.

Memories of sheer hatred for my employer. Memories of a blood pressure sporting quadruple digits. Memories of seriously considering trying out the homeless side of having a college degree.

Yes, nothing says "wasted tuition" like that first job out of college. My first job was in Orlando, working for a book publishing company. It sounded glamorous at fir...oh, wait. It was working for a book publishing company. That couldn’t sound glamorous even with a 12-pack of beer inside you.

Truth is, I took the position because (a) I was desperate for a job and (b) after living all of my life on an allowance, mentioning money in the thousands sounded like a whole heap of money! And I’m sure Jonestown sounded like a whole heap of fun at first.

I think the big problem with my first job is that I went into with the wrong attitude. I came to work early, I left late, and ate my lunches at my desk while working. That was no way to go. It’s not like I was going to be sitting there at work and the owner of the company was going to come up and say, "You know, Mike, you sure are a fine worker. I’ve decided to make you CEO of the Coca-Cola company."

Instead, I suggest taking a carefree attitude toward at least your first job. Granted, it will expedite your need for that all-elusive second job, but it sure will be fun seeing the look on people’s faces. Try the following:

1. Ditch the suit. You’re fresh out of college. Can’t buy a nice suit anyway. Make it so they’re thrilled if you even wear clothes. Declare every Tuesday as Bathrobe Day.

2. Remember that you can be replaced. And don’t care at all about it. When your superior threatens to fire you, say, "Fire me? Go ahead. I can make more money flipping burgers, and you’ll have a hard time replacing me at my salary. At least if you want an English speaker, and since I’m an editor, I’m guessing that might be a job requirement."

3. Find out who the office gossip is. Become that person’s best friend. You can have gobs of malicious mean-spirited fun with this person as one of your minion. While at the coffee pot together some day, say to Office Gossip, "Hey, you know Suzie in accounting? Well, you didn’t hear this from me, but she used to be Steve from accounting." You will enjoy the fruits of your labor when you hear other women shriek every time poor Suzy enters the ladies room.

4. Be "that person" at meetings. As anyone knows, the point of meetings is to prolong actual work. That’s why it’s fun to be the devil’s advocate on every topic. They could be talking about the merits of making sure your company is pollution free. You find a reason why pollution is GOOD! ("Do you want children of EPA employees to go hungry? Do you?") They may hate you for the short-term, but you’ll be fired soon, so no worry.

5. Complain loudly about each and every task you are given. Then blame it on the person in the cube next to you.

YOU: Man, this is the lamest project ever! What idiot contracted this moronic idea?

BOSS: What did you say?

YOU: I was just telling Johnson that he had a lousy attitude, sir, and that I would be happy to take on a job that clearly sprang from the mind of a visionary.

6. On the rare occasions that you do not leave for a two-to-three hour lunch, make sure you order the nastiest, smelliest lunch and have it at your desk. Try tuna fish with onions and garlic. Eat it loudly. When people complain, scream (mouth full, of course), "Well, excuse me for sharing!!!"

7. Get plenty of good stuff when you leave. As security escorts you out of the building, make sure to grab a handful of office supplies. But don’t take them with you. Instead, scream, "I’m the King of the Mardi Gras!" and begin whizzing staplers around the room to the unsuspecting employed people.

Well, I hope I make work a little more fun for you now. If any of you out there do take my advice and do some of this, I’m sure you’ll all get a good chuckle and will have lots of stories to share. While standing in the unemployment line.