FANNING THE FLAMES OF HOME IMPROVEMENT
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I think that home improvement stores are one of mankind’s greatest achievements, right up there with the internet and bacon.
But I have to take issue with one aspect of them. You see, these stores employ people who could assemble an entire house using nothing but toothpicks and gum. That’s all well and good when you need a simple question answered ("Which end of the hammer do I hammer with?"). But those well-trained folks have to remember something – what takes them 15 minutes to do will take us normal people the better part of a month to accomplish. Most of us do not have the savvy workmanship abilities that the store employees do, which is why we are not employed by the stores, although the fact that I have, on more than one occasion, drilled holes in my clothing probably also has a little something to do with it.
I experienced this firsthand recently when I tried to install a new ceiling fan. The one in my bedroom began making a noise that sounded more like a blender than a ceiling fan. We had simply not used the fan for a few weeks, giving it very little thought. Then, my wife made the cardinal sin of going to lunch with some friends one day, leaving me all alone at home without strict orders, such as, "Under no circumstance are you to do any home ‘improvement.’ I will inspect your clothes for holes later."
So I wandered the house aimlessly for all of about 10 seconds and then headed off to the store. Like most visits, I didn’t actually know what project I would be starting that day. Normally, I, like countless other non-monitored husbands, roam the aisles until something strikes me: "Say, we could use a waterfall in the backyard!"
This trip led me to the ceiling fan aisle. As I stood there looking at all of the models, I had this train of thought:
Then the employee came over. He knew his fans. Boy, did he know his fans. I told him my current fan was making a funny noise. "It’s got a one-gear motor," he said. I told him I wanted a quiet fan. "You need a three-gear motor," he said. The fact that he knew the motors even HAD gears sold me. To be honest, I knew there was electricity involved, but I’m not positive I knew there was even a motor.
Then he went that one step over the edge, the step where he goes from being helpful to downright dangerous: "Installation only takes 15 minutes! This thing’s got a patented design. It’s a snap!"
Before he was even done, I was sprinting down the aisle with my fan. I couldn’t wait to get home, because I was going to (a) get to pretend like I know how to use tools and (b) it was only going to take me 15 minutes, so the rest of my day could be spent on important things, like drinking beer and falling asleep in my recliner!
I should have known better. For one thing, when I opened up the box, I took a sneak peek at the directions (you are allowed one quick peek before you are required by Guy Law to shred the directions), and realized they were written by, I’m guessing, a chipmunk that got hold of a typewriter. This is an actual quote from the book. "Do not operate reversing white switch fan blades are in motion." They also refer frequently to the "outlel box" and the "support struclure." In case you are wondering if I am typing with my toes, those are verbatim quotes, and, yes, they used the words "outlel" and "struclure."
Eventually, I got the fan installed. Then I realized I had left out a somewhat important piece (the big middle part where you attach the fan blades) and had to take the entire fan down, disassemble it, and put it back up. I was losing it. Nothing was working right. I couldn’t even think straight. At one point, my wife and I had this conversation:
HER: I’m going to the grocery store. You need anything?
ME: Yeah, I need a fan that can be freaking installed easily!
HER: Look, you’re letting it get to you. What can I do to help?
ME (indignantly): You can let the grocery store get to YOU, how about that?
HER: What does that mean?
ME (sheepishly): I have no idea.
Eventually, I got the fan installed, and it does indeed work much better than the old one. I just hope this fan lasts a long, long time, because I do not want to put up another fan anytime soon. Even if I did, I doubt my wife will leave me unsupervised again.