CELLING OUT TO THE ESTABLISHMENT

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I am the first to tell you that we have a lot of problems facing each and every community in this great land, from guns to drugs to the fact that many high school children think Algebra is something on the lunch menu.

But there is a much more sinister problem lurking in our midst, one that not only threatens our very existence, it makes that little vein well up on the side of my head. I am talking, of course, about car phones.

Now I know that car phones are about as common place as a Tom Arnold marriage, but it really came to a head with me the other day when I sat for a good six hours while someone opted to chat on the phone rather than actually proceed through the 600 or so green lights that appeared before him.

My first inclination, of course, was to wish I was driving my dad’s old 1977 Nova, because that hunk of metal would have had no problem "escorting" the gentleman through the intersection. Realizing, however, that I was in a car that was about as sturdy as one of those little balsa wood airplanes, I opted for a different approach -- I screamed at the top of my lungs, "Gooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!" In retrospect, I maybe should have used the horn.

But just when things are at their bleakest, someone steps up to the plate and makes life better for us all. Or, at least for me. That’s why I tip my hat to the good folks of Brooklyn, Ohio.

Finally, a sensible law enacted by sensible people. They should change the motto of Brooklyn: "Sensible People Making Sensible Laws."

You see, the good folks of Brooklyn recently passed a law making it illegal to use a cell phone while driving unless both hands are on the steering wheel. Now, this may sound like a silly little law to you, but to me, this is one of the finest laws ever enacted. The penalty for breaking this law is 60 years in a federal penitentiary. Oh, wait. I’m sorry. I meant to say it is punishable by a fine of up to $100, which is minor, but is a start.

While this may not have technically helped out with my problem, it would alleviate all of the numerous other problems caused by drivers trying to argue with their wives while swerving across six lanes of traffic. Basically, I can find no fault with any law that seeks to make people drive normally, rather than like chimps on sugar highs.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I am not against cell phones. In fact, I have one in my car. I don’t use it very often, but it’s nice to know it is there. In fact, it even came in handy one time when my car began to make a very strange noise at a random spot in rural Georgia. I simply pulled off the road and called for assistance, which came in the form of a sheriff’s deputy, who proceeded to get his car stuck in mud, and who, after finally getting free, called a mechanic who came and determined that nothing was wrong with my car, but that I did owe him $45 dollars. You know, now that I think about it, maybe cell phones aren’t so great...

Sorry, got off track there. Anyway, I think the people of Brooklyn are on to something. I think we need to enact some more common sense cellular phone laws. Here are my proposals, which I had better see on the ballot come November:

1. No one is allowed to stand behind me in the cereal aisle at the grocery store and say, "Honey, does Timmy want the Super Fruity Sugar Chockos or the Chocko Super Sugar Fruits?" Two words: Grocery list. It worked for my parents and their parents and probably their parents, too. It will work for you.

2. No one is allowed to have the following conversation on a cell phone while in a crowded bar:

CALLER: Dude, What’s up?

CALLEE: What?

CALLER: I said "What’s up?"

CALLEE: What?

CALLER: I am so loaded!

If you are in such demand that you need to have constant access to a cell phone, you probably don’t need to drink enough tequila to fill a kiddie pool. Just a hunch.

3. If you call into a talk radio station, and it sounds like you are in a blender, you are not allowed to try and talk through the static, even if you do say, "Lemme get to a new cell." You must hang up and can only call back from a wall mounted phone. A rotary dial one.

Well I think these little provisions to the Brooklyn Statute will do us all tons of good. I can’t wait to see all of the improvements on our nation’s roadways! Now, if I can just figure out how to get that old Nova back.