A HARD CELL

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In today’s society, cellular phones have become as necessary as a working kidney. My wife and I both have cellular phones, although we have not quite graduated into the category of people who use their cell phones more often than they consume oxygen.

Our use of cell phones is more basic. I like to have it so that, in the event of an emergency, I can contact someone to help me out. This came in really handy when my wife and I were cruising down the interstate and my car began making a grinding noise, sounding sort of like I had just run over a jungle gym. I pulled off on the side of the road and looked under my car. Of course, I found absolutely nothing. I went to pull back onto the interstate, and the car continued to make the noise. Using my trusty cell phone, I called for help. Eventually, I reached a mechanic who came out to help me out of my predicament. Using his training, he looked under my car and said, "I don’t see anything." He hopped in the passenger’s seat and asked me to drive out on the interstate so he could hear the sound. Of course, the sound had stopped. So he charged me $50 and sent me on my way, my car deemed officially "cured." But the point of the story is that, had I not had a cell phone, I would have $50 more in my checking account.

So my wife and I make sure we have our phones with us any time we travel. Our phones are about three years old, which means, in terms of cellular technology, they were a couple of cellular Dixie cups connected with cellular string. (Technology frequently speeds ahead of me, leaving me to catch up years down the road. Ask me about my Betamax.)

I decided that I would approach our cellular carrier and see about upgrading our phones. I went to the store and spoke to a woman behind the counter. I had been with this carrier for the duration of my cellular service, so I figured they would jump out of their shoes to help a customer with as much tenure as my wife and I. Well, apparently their shoes were laced quite tight, because they were no more likely to cut me some slack than they were to sign the company over to me. The woman said the best thing she could do was provide two phones to me at a discount price, not including the re-connection fees. I am cheap. I did not like this. I decided it was time to start shopping.

I began hitting all of the cellular carriers around. To my surprise, I found that there are roughly 22,000 companies offering cellular service these days. Many of them are not exactly what my wife and I need.

ME: Well, we don’t use it a lot. We mainly like to have it for emergencies when we travel.

SALESMAN: Do you travel to Omaha?

ME: Omaha?

SALESMAN: Yeah, Omaha. You know? Nebraska?

ME: Uh, no.

SALESMAN: Hmmm. Well, that’s the only place where you can get a signal with our service. But I still think you should sign up for our 25-year contract.

Eventually, we found a company that not only beat our current rates, but also gave us two free phones. Granted, they were some rotary-dial wall mount phones they found in the back, but they were free nonetheless.

Kidding of course. The new phones we got were very snazzy indeed. My wife’s phone is much smaller and sleeker than her old one, and fits nicely in her purse. That is very convenient, because the next time she begins hemorrhaging because she can’t find her purse, it will have even more valuable items in it. My phone is about the size of a credit card, and even comes with a little holster you can wear on your belt, assuming you want to look like a heavy duty drug trafficker.

One of the best parts about getting the new service was the sheer joy I get in pitting two companies against each other. Prior to signing up, I asked my new company if they could beat my current deal. It gets personal. They’ll start "finding" all kinds of special deals just to stick it to the other company: "Well, Mr. Gibbons, we’ve actually got a new service in which we’ll come to your house every Sunday to do your laundry. And do you like cookies? Because we’ll bake you some cookies!"

My wife and I are quite happy with our new cellular service. To be honest with you, I hope neither of us has to use it because that will mean that we are stranded on the side of the road somewhere. But at least we will have the comfort that comes with our phones. And we’ll have the cookies to snack on.