CONSUMER REPORT 1999

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I am putting together my Consumer Report, to be issued to Congress some time in the next few weeks.

You see, I am considered somewhat of an expert in the realm of consumer trends. This was recently affirmed by the sentence I wrote before this one.

So, I am drafting my analysis to send to Congress, who should then take some serious steps to correct the problems I have outlined, and probably call for a statue of me to be built. I’d like it to be of me in my recliner, as that’s where I do some of my best work.

For the record, yes, I know that there is a magazine called Consumer Reports. However, they don’t know the first thing about what to report to consumers. For one thing, they don’t accept advertising. How can you be objective on consumer issues if you don’t allow yourself to be shaped, molded and manipulated by mass media? How would the folks at Consumer Reports ever find out about the "As Seen on TV" items, which have given us such fine home products as the Miracle Thaw, the Miracle Duster, and the Miracle Nose Hair/Hedge Trimmer.

So, that said, here are some excerpts from the 2,000-page report I will be submitting to our representatives:

CONSUMER TREND #1

There is a rise in the number of snippy clerks. There is a federal law that mandates every store have at least one 16-year-old girl who has nothing but disdain for you and is thoroughly put off by the notion that you would dare to interrupt her very important conversation with her friend Cami. Although not part of the federal statute, she often chews her gum. Loudly.

However, it seems this number is on the rise. Seems like I keep getting in the Indifference Express line. And forget about asking for assistance. Just recently, I made a purchase of about 15 bags of mulch from a local store. In the past, when I had made multiple-mulch bag purchases, an employee would hop on one of the many forklifts around the area, hoist a pallet of mulch up, and bring it right up to my car. I asked the girl behind the counter if someone could bring the mulch out to my car, to which she replied, "Oh, there’s a lot of customers here today. You can get a cart and get it."

Now, when this was said, what I heard was "There’s a lot of customers here today who are more important than you, mulchboy." Congress definitely needs to address clerk indifference. Especially when it comes to mulch.

CONSUMER TREND #2

Stores are still not hiring Nobel laureates to work the floor. Several years after the most unfortunate bookend incident (which some of you may sadly recall), I hoped and prayed that this was an isolated incident. Alas, it wasn’t. Recently, I approached a store clerk and asked where the bath pillows were. On some evenings, my sports page and I enjoy a nice hot bath to unwind. I was hoping to find a new inflatable bath pillow so that I would not have to rest my most delicate head on that hard, cold porcelain.

The clerk looked at me and gave me one of those looks that makes you think, "Great. She doesn’t speak English."

"Bath...pil-low," she said, dragging the word out, I guess hoping that would make it more sensible. "Bath...pil...low...Yeah, that would be either in sporting goods or ladies hats." Seriously. First, if there’s a sport involving bath pillows, I don’t know if I want to be a part of it. Second, who’s gonna wear a bath pillow for a hat? Well, Cher, maybe. But who besides that?

CONSUMER TREND #3

There are new and creative ways to abuse the Express Lane, and anger other customers in the meantime. I was in the grocery store picking up the usuals (beer, beef jerky, copy of Modern Maturity) when I went to the Express Line. There in front of me was a woman with a cart filled with food. She could have invited Nebraska over for dinner. And there, on the conveyor belt, were her food items, neatly bunched into groups of 15, so that she technically fell within the 15-item limit. She paid for each batch with the same separately, adding additional time to the whole ordeal. While she may have found an Express Line loophole, I think that kind of goes against the spirit of the whole concept. That, and it gives the people behind a lot of time to do stuff to your food when you’re signing your multiple credit card receipts.

CONSUMER TREND #4

And I’ll just keep this one simple -- if you are buying groceries that will last you through September, and my wife is buying a single garlic clove (we’ve got a terrible vampire problem), and I am waiting in the car -- let her go ahead of you. Please. You cost me the first inning.

Well, there you have it. I plan to ship off the complete Consumer Report to Congress any day now. I’m not sure how they plan to solve all of the problems I will present to them, but I’m sure they’ll come up with something. After all, they’re here to serve us. Unless there are more important citizens out there.

E-mail your praise of my consumer genius to mwg1234@yahoo.com