COUNTDOWN TO DECISION 2000

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Well, here we are a mere year and a half until the 2000 presidential elections. Better start making those election night party plans now!

Because I’m a guy with my finger on the pulse of the political carotid artery, I figured I would go ahead and run down the list of contenders for the next impeachment hearings.

Al Gore -- Gore is rumored to be the Vice President, although no one can verify this, because most of the folks in Clinton’s house are mum when it comes to working with him. On Gore’s tax return, he listed his occupation as runway model. Gore is the Democratic Party front-runner. But, that’s not difficult to do when your only other Democratic contender is:

Bill Bradley -- don’t get me wrong. Most folks like and respect Bill Bradley. But there is no way we could endure the endless litany of sports analogies that come with having an ex-athlete as president. I can take just so much of Katie Couric saying things like, "President Bradley has put a full-court press on Saddam" or "Unlike President Bradley’s predecessor, Bradley has yet to hit a home-run with an intern." You see? It just wouldn’t work. Sorry Bill.

George W. Bush Jr. -- GWBJ is the Republican front-runner, and is hoping to do what his dad couldn’t -- not lose to a ticket with Gore on it. Some people have said that GWBJ was quite the partier in his days. Well, what’s the problem? No one had a problem when Keith Richards was elected to Parliament? Why should we be upset about GWBJ? Party on, young George. In fact, that can be your slogan -- "Hey, America, this round’s on me." You will have the largest turn-out of male voters age 18-25 if you run with that slogan.

Elizabeth Dole -- Nothing against Mrs. Dole, but she has about the same chance of becoming president as I have of becoming the next Mrs. Dole. This country will not elect her president. You know why? Because we would have no idea what to call Bob. The First Man? I know he’s old, but without carbon dating, I think that’s patently unfair.

John McCain -- Tough as nails contender. Can’t be president, though, because his name is too similar to John McClane, Bruce Willis’ character in Die Hard. It would just be too confusing.

Pat Buchanan -- Pat Buchanan is a controversial character who has run in every presidential election since 1860. Buchanan’s main detraction, though, is that he sounds like he has recently been hit in the trachea by a rake. Buchanan has rabid supporters, although he has come under criticism for some of his more extreme views, such as the proposal that all prisoners must live off of a diet made entirely of other prisoners.

Lamar Alexander -- his plaid shirt has a better chance of being elected than he.

Steve Forbes -- What makes a man put up millions of his own dollars in an effort to run an uphill campaign for president? I’ll tell you what. Insanity. The man loves his flat tax. But you know what? That won’t get him elected. You know why? Because no one knows what he’s talking about. For the 99.99% of us who aren’t accountants, this flat tax means nothing to me! Tell me that you’re going to cut my taxes in half, I can do that math. Tell me that you’re going to leave a six pack on my doorstep each night, you’ve got my vote. But stop with the flat tax thing! You could be speaking in Portuguese and most of us would have the same head-scratching reaction.

Dan Quayle -- Listen closely. I want you to repeat after me. President Dan Quayle. Stop laughing. Seriously. Say it again. President Dan Quayle. Kinda creepy, isn’t it?

So there are your choices. To me, I think a combination of these would be the best choice, but since society seems to frown upon my attempts at genetic engineering, I guess we’ll have to look elsewhere.

All of that said, I think it is time to reveal my pick for president. The next President of the United States of America should be -- drum roll -- Samuel L. Jackson. That’s right. If he is half as cool as his movie characters, we will once again establish ourselves as the coolest nation on the planet. And nobody -- and I mean nobody -- is gonna mess with President Jules Winnfield. You’ll recognize his White House anywhere. It’s the one that says bad mother...well, you know the rest.

E-mail your support for President Jackson to mwg1234@yahoo.com.