BUILDING A GENERATION GAP

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The Gap kids must be stopped.

They must be stopped, and they must be stopped soon. OK, perhaps I’m being harsh. After all they’re just kids. But the people who thought up those ads should be smothered in steak sauce and dropped in a pit of angry, hungry Dobermans.

For those of you who think I have finally lost it, let me fill you in. I am referring to the latest commercials touting the Gap’s new line of clothing. Now don’t get me wrong. I have nothing against the Gap. In fact, I think it’s a great store with great clothing. If there were one near me, I’m sure a large chunk of my paycheck would go there, with my wife acting as the intermediary.

Many of you are familiar with the ads I am talking about. Many of you have walked around all day long saying the same verse, over and over ("I just can’t get enough...I just can’t get enough..."), so much that you consider digging a fork deep inside your ear in an effort to quell the song.

The ads have a group of 20-somethings standing around in similar clothing, all looking as if they have taken similar tranquilizers. There are a few songs they sing, all of which destroy "It’s a Small World" on the Stuck in Your Head for Days Meter.

The first one I saw has everyone singing Donovan’s "Mellow Yellow." You find out how all of these kids are mad about Saffron, and Saffron is mad about their drone deliveries. As they switch camera angles from kid to kid, each one sings a different line of the song, including the one that no one actually knows what it means. You know: "They call me mellow yellow. Gafisehsdv af asrwf sgscgscidfhz."

I looked on the internet and found a site boasting the words to "Mellow Yellow." There, it says the mystery words are "Quite rightly." But if any of you can decipher "Quite rightly" out of that song, well, you’ve apparently stolen some of the Gap kids’ "candy."

Side note -- for those of you often wondering what the lyrics are to some of your favorite songs, I highly recommend the website www.kissthisguy.com. No, it’s not that kind of site. The name is derived from the common mistake that people make, thinking that, in the famous Jimi Hendrix song "Purple Haze" Hendrix is singing "Excuse me while I kiss this guy." (In reality, he was saying, "Excuse me, may I supersize my fries?") I think Hendrix is great, but common sense should have told people that the lyrics were not "Kiss This Guy," as that makes some amount of sense. Hendrix’s lyrics don’t make any sense. Take the song "Voodoo Child," where he sings, "Well, I stand up next to a mountain, and I chop it down with the edge of my hand. Well, I pick up all the pieces and make an island, might even raise a little sand." Jimi was not exactly one to speak his mind clearly, partly because his mind was not clear for most of his adult life.

Sorry for the little side venture. Back to the Gap kids. Another one of their ads has them all decked out in leather. They are singing a song by Depeche Mode called, "Just Can’t Get Enough." This song is very appropriate. I went to the Gap website (www.songstuckinyourhead?.com) and looked up some of these leather duds. The pants these folks are wearing cost $175. Just can’t get enough, indeed. And, in addition to not being able to buy dinner after you buy these pants, you also looked like you just escaped from a Loverboy video, so I’m not really seeing the plus side.

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking that I’m getting old and cranky, and I might as well just grab my walker and go yell at those younguns who won’t stay off my lawn. But there’s just something about these commercials that really rubs me the wrong way. And it’s not just the mind-numbing songs that become tattooed on your brain.

All of these people look like they have just been released from the same brainwashing session at the Cult of Trendy Clothing. Most of the guys really need haircuts, if not a brief stint in the Marines. And most of the women have bodies that can only be developed by years of careful and deliberate malnutrition. And their starry-eyed gazes don’t do much for them. You feel like you could walk up to any of them and say, "How are you doing?" and the response may very well be something like, "I like cheese."

Maybe I’m not being fair. Maybe this is just a demographic that I am no longer a member of. Maybe I am getting old. Maybe they call me Mellow Yellow.