SALE OF THE CENTURY

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I have recently completed the individual commerce challenge known as the Garage Sale.

As you know, garage sales are a staple of suburban life. It is a way for people across this great land to come together and say, "Hey, I’ve got a bunch of stuff I’m gonna throw away, give away, or set ablaze. Anybody wanna pay me cash to take it away instead?" Think of it as a knickknack hostage situation.

So, having been through the drill, I feel I am now incredibly qualified to tell you, the potential garage saler, the secrets of having a fantastic garage sale.

1. Get rid of everything. People love diversity. Sure, you can unload your souvenir World’s Fair -- Knoxville glasses till the cows come home. But you’ve got to have all of your specialty interests covered. That’s why my wife and I went through every inch of our house and marked nearly everything this side of pets for sale. And the pets were negotiable.

2. Be careful whom you invite to your sale. By this, of course, I don’t mean advertising in the newspaper or posting crudely drawn posters about town. I mean be careful which of your friends you invite, because there is a really good chance you will be selling something that was either a gift or a loan from a friend. Fortunately for me, my wife went through all of our stuff and informed me that some of the stuff I was selling was not really mine to sell. ("Honey, I know we offered to baby-sit for them, but we need to return Timmy, not cash.")

3. Throw away your clocks. Frequent garage sale attendees have no concept of time. Ours was to begin on Saturday at around 7:30 a.m., yet some of the regulars began showing up at our house as early as, oh, Tuesday. I was out in my yard at 6:30 in the morning, grumbling about how long the coffee was taking to make, dragging tables into my driveway, all the while realizing that, quite frankly, if you have to get up that early, it’s not a good idea to have hung out with your buddies until 1 a.m. Carloads of people begin swerving onto my street, driving like Knight Rider, sticking their heads out the windows and screaming things like, "Do you have books?" or "Do you have any musical instruments?" or "Do you have any preserved body parts of famous people?" What I’m trying to say is, people will be there early. Be prepared. The freaks do not only come out at night.

4. Hire an armed security guard with sniper-like reflexes. I only recommend this after we were the victims (I feel so used!) of a shoplifting, or garagelifting, as it were. One of our shoppers made a purchase of something or the other. As the woman turned to go, she grabbed two additional items off of the table and strolled down the driveway with her loot. My wife and I looked at each other with disbelief, thinking to ourselves, how does one go about confronting a garage sale thief? Our solution -- I went for more coffee. But had we had some added level of security, we could have had the situation handled, as Officer Nononsense could have cooked up a little recipe of discipline for our sticky fingered friend.

5. Hone up on your haggling skills. While prices were set ahead of time with a detailed formula (me, a couple of friends, some beer and a magic marker), I knew that the prices must be negotiable. For example, I had a lamp for sale for $3. This was a nice lamp, mind you, one you can’t just give away. A man asked me if the price was negotiable. I asked what he had in mind. "$2.50," he said. "Get it off my property. Sold, sold, sold." The truth is, the artful haggling of a garage sale is being able to get any money for your merchandise. All of the stuff, if not sold, is either going to be given away or thrown away, so having someone give you any amount of anything worthwhile makes it a solid deal on your end. Had the guy said, "How’s about a nickel, and I throw in this muffin?" he would have been greeted with the same response.

6. Be as honest as you can. However, keep in mind that if there’s one thing the last year or so has taught us, it’s that vagueness about that truth can go a long way. Here’s a textbook example of the kinds of honesty you need to have when dealing with your Saturday morning clients:

CLIENT: Hey, does this blender work?

YOU: Far as I can tell.

CLIENT: Then why is the bottom of it all charred?

YOU: Dude, it’s 50 cents, not a brand new Lamborghini. Do you want the iron or not?

Well, those are about all of the lessons I can impart to you. To sum up, remember:

  1. Trash everything
  2. Borrowing from your friends is fun
  3. 5 a.m. is not early to everyone
  4. Rambo should be at your table
  5. A nickel is still legal tender and muffins are tasty. Especially blueberry.
  6. There’s nothing wrong with the blender
  7. I need more coffee. It’s way too early in the morning for this stuff.
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