ALL THE CLASS IN THE WORLD

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Greetings, to the class of 2000.

At this point in your life, I know that you look back with fondness, look ahead with excitement, and look at your report card and wonder if a D in Trig will get you that diploma.

That said, many of you will be graduating soon, and I feel it is my duty to let you know what lies ahead over the next several life changing years. Here are 10 things to keep in mind as you walk down the aisle, grab your diploma, look at your parents and know that, at that moment, they are thinking, "I can’t wait to turn his room into a gym." Here now, are my tips for a better post-high school life:

I know you’re a big time high school graduate, but remember that you will only be a teen-ager once. Enjoy it, because throwing water balloons at people is frowned upon when you get to your 30s.
Over the next few years, your parents will undergo an amazing metamorphosis into intelligent people. You will be amazed how much they learn. My parents could barely function when I was in high school, and a mere 10 years later, they seem almost like real people!
When you get to college, read the chapters each night. Ask anyone my age the one thing they could change if they went to college, and most of them will say, "I wouldn’t have gotten arrested for stealing that statue." But plenty others will say, "I wish I had studied about 30 minutes each night, and not had to stay up for seven straight days cramming for finals."
Success takes hard work. And lucky breaks. And your father owning a major corporation. But the hard work will let you sleep a little better at night.
Don’t get married too early. If it’s the right thing to do now then it will be right in a year or two or five. Remember folks – once you’re married, it means it’s kinda serious. That’s really playing grown-up. Take it easy and enjoy yourselves. I dated my wife for five years before we got married, and only heard "When are you going to grow up and make a commitment?" for the last two years.
Don’t get a pet in college. Coming home with a llama may get a few laughs from your buddies, but in the long run – bad idea. I saw too many iguanas, snakes, fish, cats, and dogs picked up on a whim by college buddies, only to realize that mom is not there to clean out the cage and feed the pet. Unless your mom is there, which will probably get you some grief on your dorm hall.
Your professor is not out to get you. He has hundreds of students each semester. To think that he spends his day thinking of ways to get you is about as realistic as thinking Sylvester Stallone would make a good Hamlet.
Get to know at least one exchange student. When you get to college you will meet some people from different countries. Trust me – you will be glad if you get to know at least one new culture. For one thing, it’s always good to have foreign allies, just in case. You can’t be too careful.
There is a very clever ruse that is used by students to swindle money from their parents during textbook-buying season. It’s been around for years, and I’m sure you will hear of it. I won’t get into the specifics of it, as I don’t want to plant unnecessary seeds. (For the record, Mom and Dad – yes, I heard of it and, no, I never even thought about it.) If you do that, you are the lowest form of life. If your parents agree to fund your book learning and you try and slide some more dough from them, you better hope that karma doesn’t exist, lest you come back in the next life as Shaquille O’Neal’s sock.
Get a job. Not a real job. In fact, not even a job you like. College is the time for lousy part-time jobs. In college, I worked as a landscaper, a store clerk, a university orientation guide, and a telemarketer. I highly recommend telemarketer, as that really helps you learn what people truly think of you.

So there you go. Grab the bull by the horns, the tiger by the tail, the cliché by the hoof. Whatever it takes, get out there and get ‘em! You’re gonna make a big impact, class of 2000! You are the future! You are the ones! You are going to take Trig over this summer!