MAKING THIS A HALLOWEEN TO REMEMBER

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We are just a few days away from Halloween, and you know what that means -- it means the Christmas decorations have been up in stores for more than two months.

But you also know that it’s time to prepare the younguns for trick or treating, a yearly ritual in which young children come to your house wearing costumes and demanding candy, which you had better provide, lest they change the color of your car to egg yolk yellow. And it is a time for Halloween parties, where adults can mask themselves, thereby giving them the confidence to speak to members of the opposite sex, even if she is dressed like a Teletubby.

So, as a public service to you, I have decided to devote today’s column to helping make this Halloween the best one since at least last year. So, without further ado, the Mike’s Life’s Halloween Tips:

TIP #1 -- When selecting candy to hand out to trick-or-treaters, make sure that you get good candy, or you will forever be known in your neighborhood as the Granola Bar House. Stick with candy bars, Smarties, or, my personal favorite, cash. But don’t give them apple slices, pamphlets espousing the merits of clean living, or a bag of Chex mix. If you do, I won’t help you clean the toilet paper from your trees the next morning.

TIP #2 -- If you are throwing a party, make sure to greet each of your guests. While this is the courteous thing to do, it also ensures that everyone at your party actually meant to show up there. A few years ago, I was having a Halloween party when a man dressed in a gorilla outfit (or, perhaps, an actual gorilla) waltzed into my party and began waving to everyone. His wave slowed, as he looked around the room, realizing that he did not recognize a single one of the people. He slowly backed out of the room, and walked down to my neighbor’s house, which was, presumably, his original intended destination.

TIP #3 -- Help your children with their costumes, and understand that the veto power of parents should be exercised liberally. Case in point -- last year, a trick-or-treater rang my doorbell. I answered the door, expecting to see a princess or a ghost or Superman. Instead, there was a little girl, maybe six years old wearing a halter top, a mini skirt, and enough makeup to cover the entire state of Vermont. I didn’t want to come out and say what I was thinking, so I instead asked, "And who are you tonight?" She looked at me in disgust for not recognizing her costume. "I’m a Spice Girl," she said indignantly. Now, maybe that was the intent, but she was looking much more like a call girl than a Spice Girl.

TIP #4 -- If you are going to decorate your yard for Halloween, understand that you may make some children see you forever as the Unholy Dark Lord of the Neighborhood. When I decorated my yard last year, I thought I had quite the spooky atmosphere going, complete with mannequin arms and legs planted throughout the yard. However, numerous children either ran screaming from my yard or approached my front door crying. To this day, several of the kids in my neighborhood avoid eye contact with me. Keeps the kids off the lawn though!

TIP #5 -- Don’t underestimate a child when it comes to being a weasel. When I was a kid, one of the neighbors was going out for Halloween evening. They left a big bowl of candy with a sign that said "TAKE ONE!" I, of course, explained to my fellow trick-or-treaters that "one" could, technically, mean one bowl of candy. Granted, the next day, my friends and I all agreed that "one" could, technically, mean one intense stomach pain that could require medical attention.

TIP #6 -- If you have facial hair and a voice deeper than James Earl Jones’, don’t go trick or treating. And don’t do it at someone’s apartment when a police officer in full uniform just happened to stop by to say hi to some friends. Granted, all of the people in the apartment will get a real kick out of the expression of your face, and your subsequent Edwin Moses impersonation, but it’s still probably not in your best interest.

TIP #7 -- And this is to all you young men out there who think it’s funny to snatch young kids’ bags as they stroll from house to house -- don’t do it. Stealing someone’s trick-or-treat bag is lowdown and shameful. And these little kids that you’re picking on -- they may have the last laugh. Oh, it may not be the next day or the day after, but someday, way down the road, they may have a weekly column, and they may tell everyone that you, Craig Davis, wet your pants when you were in fourth grade and used to cry when you were called on in math class. Who’s laughing now, Craig?

So there you have it. This should be a fantastic Halloween for you, assuming you follow my tips. Then again, maybe your car could use a new color.