THE HOT DOG DAYS OF SUMMER

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You will have to pardon any mistakes you may find in today’s column, but the profuse output of sweat coming off of me may have some adverse affect on the keyboard, for which I cannot be held accountable.

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, "Honey, did you read this? He’s telling us about his sweat. What’s wrong with him? Doesn’t he know we’re about to eat?"

Well, I apologize for possibly ruining your appetite. But if sweating were an Olympic sport, I’d be Carl Lewis about now.

I guess I really shouldn’t be surprised. After all, lets look at the various factors involved: (1) it’s summer and (2) I live in the South. I guess I shouldn’t be shocked that there’s no chance for snow today.

But, even for a lifelong Southerner, it’s uncomfortably hot. My air conditioner can’t even keep up with the cooling demands I’m making. Granted, I’ve got it set on 42, so perhaps that can be understood as well.

I don’t know how people did it before air conditioners were invented. Wouldn’t it be neat to go back hundreds of years and see how they lived without air conditioners? (Pause for people over the age of 50 to finish swearing at me.)

Well, at least I can try and beat the heat by staying indoors and by not having my body covered in fur. No, I am not an exceptionally hairy person. It’s just that I have a great deal of sympathy for my dogs, since they are covered in fur, and since they think the function of a commode is a constantly refilling water bowl. Since they can’t grasp the whole indoor plumbing concept, they must be sent out in the 278 degree heat to use the restroom, which makes them hot and thirsty, which causes them to drink enough water to fill a medium sized swimming pool, which means they have to go back outside in about six minutes, which means they get hot again, which means...I think you get the gist.

Anyway, one of my dogs is suffering much more than the other. Maggie, my Basset hound, is perfectly content. Maggie is always content. Maggie wagged her tail after we got her fixed. Maggie is just happy to be around, so long as she can get on the furniture.

Montgomery, on the other hand, is not handling the heat as well. Montgomery is a purebred Alabama Dumpster hound, a breed that apparently has very little heat acclimation. I base this assumption on the fact that he has scratched major chunks of fur off of his body, perhaps in an effort to shed some of the layers of warmth. Maggie scratches a little bit, but I think just because she thinks it looks like fun. Maggie’s world is a simple world.

My wife decided to take the two dogs to the vets to board them until autumn. Hey, somebody else can be kept up by the sound of two dogs in a Championship Scratch Off all night.

No, kidding, of course. My wife took them there to have the vet check them out and, if possible, make Montgomery stop inflicting damage on himself.

The vet said to my wife that both dogs had dry skin, which I thought was something that Lubriderm had just made up to get women to buy skin care products.

When I came home that evening, my wife told me that both dogs had been given shots of Cortisone to stop the itching and that we had to give both dogs some medicine. I went over and began petting my dogs and rewarding them for only expressing their excitement a minimal amount on the floor of the vet’s office. That’s when I noticed Montgomery’s side.

In order to treat his side, they had to shave a big patch of fur, right on his right shoulder (assuming dogs have shoulders; if they don’t, then where his right shoulder would be, if dog parts matched up with people parts). So, now, in addition to having a nasty wound on his side, he also looks like he may be a fringe member of some Skinhead movement, which quite frankly doesn’t look good to the other dogs in the neighborhood, except for the German shepherd down the street.

I’m sure the fur will grow back, and I’m all for Montgomery being shaved if it will help him feel better. If this doesn’t work, though, I will have no choice but to take my suffering puppies back to the vet’s office. And pick them up around October.

E-mail me at mwg1234@yahoo.com, and let me know if it’s hot enough for ya’.