REFLECTIONS ON THE HOLIDAYS

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Well, I’m back from the holidays. As has come tradition, my wife and I went to see her family down in Florida for Thanksgiving, followed by Christmas two days later. (Yes, I know that, technically, Christmas is not two days after Thanksgiving, but her family is in a weird cult and they just do it that way. They also celebrate Groundhog Day every Thursday.)

I spent my holidays the way I normally do when I visit the in-laws -- comatose on the couch. When I go to Florida, I do pretty much nothing but sleep. My brother-in-law even asked me if I sleep during the other 51 weeks of the year, or just save it all for Thanksgiving. Obviously, I save it up.

During my few waking moments of the trip, however, I did manage to take in my surroundings and make some keen observations. As a service to you, I will pass those observations on today, because, just between you and me, I’ve got to fill this column with something.

1. Men and women have very different ideas of pain. Sure, women can give birth and I’m not trying to denigrate the impressive feat of essentially sneezing a volleyball, but that’s pretty much the extent of their pain superiority. This point sounded true when my mother-in-law came into the living room where I was (surprise) napping. She told me that my wife was in the kitchen and needed me. I went to the kitchen and saw my wife, her hand covered with a paper towel, blood trickling through it. I found that she had cut her finger while cutting vegetables.

My wife, tears streaming down her face, whimpered as she pulled back the paper towel to show me the damage. I stared at her finger, looked at my wife and said, "Where’s the cut?" To her, this was possibly a lethal slash. To me, this was a paper cut. I’m sorry, but if I’m going to call someone else to see my cut, I plan on carrying my severed limb into the living room and begging people to look at my cool wound. That said, you women are still welcome to the whole birthing claim.

2. Christmas shoppers crack me up. Since my wife and I didn’t have to go Christmas shopping, we decided to go to the mall and laugh at all of the people who were foolish enough to brave the stores and actually shop. We went into a toy store (which is about my speed) and I noticed that the line went from the register, winding to the back of the store, along the back wall, out the store, and back out into the mall. I approached some of the people towards the back of the line and asked if they were in line to buy things. "No," corrected one woman, "we’re in line to pay for things." There you go. I had wondered what kind of person would stand in a three-hour line to buy Monopoly, but I think I got my answer.

3. Three-year-olds can be good allies. Our niece, Morgan, is a sweet little girl, but is going through what I call the "NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!" phase. Her answer to every question is a curt, loud "NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!" Uncle Mike had lots of fun asking Morgan questions like, "Is anyone cooler than Uncle Mike?" or "Should Uncle Mike stay awake?" or "Should Uncle Mike ever be told he shouldn’t play poker with the guys until 3 a.m.?" Morgan always backed me up.

4. I am the world’s greatest driver. On the way down to Florida, an 18-wheeler that was in the lane right next to us blew a tire, sending an eight-foot strip of rubber hurtling towards our windshield at around 75 mph. I deftly swerved out of the way, avoiding the tire and barely waking my wife up. Just thought you should know that I am Richard Pettyesque.

5. Sleep is good. Just making sure you hadn’t forgotten.

6. A movie theater filled with small children isn’t necessarily a stress-inducing event. My wife and I went to see "Toy Story 2" with our nieces Morgan and Julia. Of course, when we asked Morgan is she wanted to go, her response, even while in line for tickets, was "NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!" Julia was much more excited about the movie, however, because she found out Barbie was going to be in it (which was also kind of a plus for me).

The theater was packed, mostly with children. While there, however, I noticed that I didn’t experience the usual annoyances of public movie viewing. Apparently, with that many children chattering at the same time, it becomes white noise and can easily be blocked out. It was quite nice -- just a constant hum in the background as I watched the movie. You can’t get the same effect when you have Brittney and Chelsea behind you, smacking gum, and talking about how Brad Peters was looking at her in geometry class, and she knows that he really likes Kiersten, so she doesn’t know what and WOULD YOU TWO BE QUIET? I AM TRYING TO WATCH A MOVIE HERE! IF BRAD CARED ABOUT YOU, HE’D BE HERE WITH YOU! REST ASSURED, BRAD -- NOR ANY MAN -- WILL EVER LOVE YOU IF YOUR MOUTH IS CONSTANTLY FLAPPING!

Sorry. Got a little carried away with the scene there. I’m back. So there you have it. I hope your vacation was as restful and informative as mine. I’m already looking forward to next year’s trip. For one thing, I’m getting a little tired.