YOUR GUIDE TO MARITAL BLISS

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This column is intended for men who are about to be married, or any man who thinks that somewhere, some place he may be married. Sorry, but I am going to have to ask that any women reading this column put the paper down, as many of married man’s age-old secrets are revealed in today’s column. Thank you for your understanding.

I’ve done it. I have survived a year of marriage. Well, I guess it would be more appropriate to say that my wife has endured a year of marriage, but you get the drift. The bottom line is, I have been married for a solid year now, which means I have every right to appoint myself as the Be-all, End-all Spokesman for Husbands Everywhere.

With this newfound power and responsibility of being BESHE comes duty -- duty to share the secrets for a happy marriage. So, as the first order of business in your guide to marital bliss, I will impart to you the 10 secrets to a happy marriage, assuming I can think of that many.

1. Protect your wife. Now, I know this may sound old-fashioned and may make Gloria Steinem go dig a grave just so she can spin in it, but many women still hold on to the ideal that, late-at-night, husbands should investigate noises that wives are convinced are made by chainsaw-wielding psychopaths hungry for human organs. So, when the moment comes that a noise is made out in the living room, go investigate, even if you know all you’re going to find is the cat hacking up bits of the carpet. Just walk out the bedroom, close the door behind you, yawn a few times, and then return to bed, assuring your bride that everything is just peachy. Trust me, it’s a much simpler alternative to having your wife toss and turn all night and say, "What was that?" in a hushed voice every time you begin to snore.

2. Do the dishes. Fellas, I gotta tell you. If your wife comes home and you have even made an attempt at doing the dishes, she will be so proud of you. She used to visit your apartment when you were single. She knows you have the house-keeping skills of a Viking. That little effort will show that you, my friend, are a caring, responsible husband, one who may get to go for a night out with the boys, which brings us to...

3. Never, ever ask for a night out with the boys. You don’t ask the warden for time off for good behavior. She’ll let you know when you’ve earned it.

4. Never, ever, ever speak of ex-girlfriends. You are married now. There are no ex-girlfriends. Trust me on this one. Zip it, sport.

5. Have separate bathrooms. If there is one piece of advice you follow, take me up on this one. Men’s and women’s bathroom habits are not compatible, and it goes way beyond the toilet seat. My bathroom supplies are standard -- toothbrush, razor, brush, etc. My wife, however, has this elaborate collection of...of...of...stuff, I guess. She’s got about 19 different hairbrushes, each, she says, with a different function. Truth be told, it looks like she’s the hair dresser for King Ghidrah. Just keep it separate and you’ll all be happier.

6. Watch the wedding tape. At some point in your marriage, your wife will ask you to either view the video or look through pictures. Your time isn’t that valuable. Besides, you might learn something, like that half of your groomsmen are going bald.

7. Leave a note for your wife. If you leave before your wife in the mornings, leave her a nice "Have a nice day" note in the house for her. After several times of doing this, she will not immediately assume that you have done something wrong, but instead take it as a nice gesture from her loving husband. (Note: Always leave the note when you are in good standing. The note is NOT to be used as a Get Out of Jail Free card. That’s what jewelry is for.)

8. Love her cat. For some reason, she will think that her cat is the sweetest, most loveable thing ever. Keep in mind that you have not just married her, but her AND Ms. Snickerdoodle. So, even when Ms. Snickerdoodle claws up your autographed Mickey Mantle card, resist the urge to do your Pele impression. She’ll side with the cat. Don’t ask me why.

9. Acknowledge the reasonable requests. After all, you are married now, so you occasionally have to play grown-up. Granted, if she says she wants you to have some minor surgery and begin calling yourself Gladys, that’s pushing the envelope. But a request to no longer funnel beers in the bedroom is probably reasonable.

10. Be patient and open with your wife. Marriage is a full-time job. The wedding is only the beginning of the hard work. Work every day at being the best spouse you can be, and trust your wife will do the same. Look for ways to improve yourself and your marriage. If that fails, do the dishes.