THE FIRST MONTH OF BABY

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Well, I’ve made it through the first month of parenthood. And what a difference a month makes. The CD player has traded Third Eye Blind or Green Day for the soothing sounds of Mozart or James Taylor. Dinner is now dined one-handed over the sink. And sleep? I remember that.

But it’s been a good first month. My wife and I are getting acclimated to the change. In fact, we can’t really remember what we used to do before our daughter was born. We think it may have involved friends.

More than anything, the last month has been a learning experience. I have had a crash-course in playing grown-up, and I think it’s only fair I share some of these lessons with you:

1. Babies have a great grasp of irony. For the first month, my wife and I have had an understanding – since I had to go to work during the week, she would take any night duties on weekdays, and I had weekend duty. So, what does our child do? That’s right – she stays up all night during the week, and then sleeps for chunks on end during the weekend nights. I think this is quite humorous. I make a point to keep both blunt and sharp instruments away from wife when telling her how humorous this is.
2. Their eyes do uncross. While my child’s eyes still gravitate towards her nose on occasion, I am relieved to know that, at least some times, they can work in unison. At this rate, they should cross minimally by the time she is into the job sector.
3. Despite their size, babies have a major league gastrointestinal system going on. Now, I will spare you most of the graphic details, but I will tell you this – my beautiful, tiny daughter has let out belches so loud that it nearly brought a tear to my eye. I cannot wait to take her to a fraternity reunion. I can only hope she will hang onto this talent, at least until she learns the alphabet and I can get her on tape.
4. Speaking of tape, anyone who is a first child should pretty much forget about having any modesty in life. I have miles and miles of videotape of my daughter getting her first bath, having her diaper changed, and spitting up all over mother. There is a distinct possibility that she will, in her formative teen years, hold us at gunpoint until we turn over all copies of her projectile vomiting.
5. No baby looks like anyone. Half of the people are convinced the baby looks "just like daddy!" The other half are convinced the baby looks "just like Burl Ives!" Kidding, of course. The other half thinks she looks just like her mother. I have come to the conclusion that she looks like neither of us. If we were to send my baby out with Grace Jones and Tommy Lee pretending to be her parents, people would see say the same thing: "As soon as her hair spikes up and she frightens people, she’ll look just like Mom!" or "Oh, she looks just like Daddy! Does she have ‘Pamela’ tattooed on her rear?"
6. I may never have to clean again. Once you have kids, friends and family readily forgive a dirty house. In fact, they don’t want you to clean. It’s like people think you neglect your child if you give a moment of attention to a vacuum cleaner. For all you single guys out there who are scared of commitment, this is a definite plus. Pizza boxes stacked up in the corner of your living room become a sign of devotion to your child!
7. If you are on "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire," you look like a total idiot if you have to make some lame little joke or tell a boring childhood story before answering. Just answer the question. I know this technically has nothing to do with my child’s first month, but I felt it had to be addressed.

So there you have it. As you can see, I have really learned a lot over my first month, and I know I will continue to learn as the days, weeks, months and years pass. I can’t wait to find out what is next. But, it will have to wait a little bit, because she looks like she’s about to spit up, and I’ve got to get the camera.