THE RETURN OF THE LAWNMOWER MAN

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And now, a moment of silence for Sparky, a trusted friend, a good companion and a fine lawnmower.

I got Sparky several years ago when I moved into my house. Despite how cool it would be to own a riding lawnmower with a V-6 engine, I resisted the urge and simply bought a nice, easy-going push model. It wasn’t much, but it did the trick.

After several years of dedicated service, Sparky’s time had come. I had replaced several parts over the years, and several others had fallen off and not been replaced, mainly because I didn’t know where they went.

But when I took Sparky out for some work the other day, I knew it was over. I gave a nice long tug on the cord, and Sparky said, "Thhhhhpppttttsssssssss."

As you can guess, that is lawnmower-speak for "I have cut my last blade of grass." I fiddled with Sparky for a few minutes until it occurred to me that I have no earthly idea what is wrong, as I have no idea how this thing runs. I would have as much success going and fixing Mir.

That’s when a light went on. This untimely passing could be one of the single greatest things that’s ever happened to me – I needed a new lawnmower, which means I would get to shop for the biggest, loudest, and most dangerous of the standard issue lawn instruments! I would be unleashed on the home improvement scene with nothing but a checkbook and a lack of sense!

In order to make sure that I didn’t go completely overboard and come home with some nuclear powered lawnmower with short-range missile capability ("Take that, dandelion!"), I made an agreement with my wife on (a) a price limit and (b) an amount of time I could be gone. With my marching orders, I set off on my quest for a Sparky replacement.

When I got to the store, I had a realization – I had no idea exactly what I was looking for. I mean, I knew that I needed a lawnmower, but there are more kinds of lawnmowers than there are Madonna looks. There were dozens of different mowers, and all of them had differences that made absolutely no sense to me. So, I made the monumental mistake of asking for help.

Now, the people who help you at a home improvement store are very good-intentioned. But they know way more about this kind of stuff than I do, which is probably why they are paid to work there, whereas I am often encouraged to stay away, even as a customer. Here is a brief snippet of the conversation I had with the salesman:

ME: I need a lawnmower.

CLERK: What, what are you looking for it to do?

ME: Uh, mow my lawn?

CLERK: Well, what kind of horsepower were you thinking?

ME: You misunderstood me. I said "lawnmower."

Eventually, he realized that I was clueless. He decided to walk me through the process. He started by asking me how big my yard was. I told him that it is smaller than smaller than Delaware, but bigger than a breadbox. He did not see the humor in this. He opted for a different approach. He asked me how thick my grass was. "Uh, pretty thick, seeing as how I don’t have a lawnmower." Ha! I was a laugh a minute!

He decided to stop asking me questions and simply tell me the difference in mowers. From this I learned that I needed a six-horsepower mulching mower with side discharge and detachable bag. Truth be told, that just happened to be the model that I was standing next to when I asked, "What about this one?" The clerk, having spent about as much time with me as he’d like to spend with a virus, responded, "It’s exactly what you need. Check or charge?"

Putting my faith in him, I purchased the mower. When I got it home, it fired up on the first try. Ah, the sweet purr of a new mower engine. And, just as the man had promised me, it was masterful in its precision cutting and easy handling.

Hopefully, this lawnmower will last me a lot longer than Sparky. I do know, however, not to get too attached to this new mower, as nothing lasts forever, as Sparky proved. One day, I may have to part ways with Sparky II, which will be tough, I’m sure. When the time comes, I’m sure Sparky III will be even better. Maybe I can finally get that missile launcher I need.