DOWNLOADING THE FUTURE OF MUSIC

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I would like to take a moment to extend my heartfelt thanks to the band Metallica for bringing to the forefront the fight against the music downloading software Napster.

You see, had Metallica not risked everything to take on Napster, it never would have been a front-page media item, and I never would have learned of Napster, the single greatest invention in the history of the world. Thank you, Metallica, for all of your court efforts to shut down the little cottage industry of Napster. Your efforts have been successful – successful in getting millions of people like me hooked on Napster.

But many of you are unfamiliar with Napster. So, because I know that Metallica cannot personally assist you all in getting introduced to Napster, I will field a few questions from the audience regarding the popular software.

Q: So, what is Napster, and where can I get it, and why aren’t you wearing pants?

A: Napster is a program that you can download for free from the internet (www.napster.com). This software allows you to hook up with other people who are online and share music files with them. And it’s laundry day.

Q: I am as computer savvy as a bucket of cole slaw. I guess it would be foolish for me to even try to use Napster, huh?

A: Napster is so easy to use, that I have used it for several weeks and have yet to crash my computer. If I cannot crash a computer, then it ain’t going to crash. My computer should have a black box it crashes so often, but Napster has yet to do it. So yes, even you, with the techno-savvy of a jar of grape jelly can use Napster.

Q: Is there a wide range of music out there? And how do people get these digital files? And laundry day? Are you washing all of your pants?

A: There is most any song you can imagine out there. Apparently, there are a lot of people out there who spend days and days recording their private music collections into digital files, and making them available. I have downloaded everything from Bob Dylan to the Dead Milkmen to the Rocky theme song. And let’s drop the pants issue.

Q: Is there a chance my computer could get a nasty virus from using the software?

A: Absolutely not. No chance whatsoever. Impossible. Oh, wait – you mean from Napster? Uh, I don’t think so. At least they say you can’t. But, hey – look at it this way – billions of people got a virus recently from opening an e-mail, so you obviously have no chance in protecting yourself. Give up, and enjoy the downloading ride!

Q: So what about Metallica’s assertion that this is stealing music, and that Napster should be shut down?

A: Metallica is entitled to their opinion. And, fortunately, an appellate judge was entitled to his, and Napster is still up and running. Basically, my view is this – if Metallica thinks that Napster use by college students is cutting into their record sales, they have obviously not spent much time in college. When I was in college, there was one person who would always buy a CD. Then, that CD would make it around to dozens of different rooms. In the fraternity house I lived in, no one was stupid enough to buy a CD that someone in the house already owned. No, instead (are you listening, Metallica?) we borrowed that CD and listened to it, because we were college students and had barely enough money to buy beer and pizza. We couldn’t be wasting it on duplicate CDs.

Q: Uh, you’re rambling. Wanna get back on track?

A: Yeah, sorry. My point is this – Metallica isn’t going hungry any time soon, and if they do, it’s not because some broke college students downloaded their music for free.

Q: But aren’t you illegally downloading copyrighted material, and isn’t the issue here whether or not artists have any right to the music they produce?

A: Lars? Is that you? Anyway, yes the artists do have rights to what they produce, although I propose this change to copyright laws – if you produce an album that has one really good song that gets a lot of radio play, causing everyone to rush out and buy your CD, only to find the rest of the CD sounds like drunken Gregorian chants, you forfeit all rights to your music, and everyone can go to Napster and download your one-hit wonder song.

Q: So what will be the fate of Napster?

A: Who knows? What do I look like a judge? Of course not, judges wear pants. Or at least a robe so you can’t tell. Anyway, I am going on the assumption that Napster will be shut down by the courts in the future, so I am a downloading fiend right now.

Q: Any final words on what you think about Napster?

A: Yeah, I think it rocks, I think Metallica is a collection of crybaby whiners, and I think laundry day is very liberating.