AIN’T NO CURE FOR THE SUMMERTIME BLUES
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I received an interesting e-mail the other day from a young man named Paul. Paul said, "as u know it is summer, and a lot of teenage people are having trouble finding things to do, partly because there is nothing to do in a town like aiken for teenagers. help us find something to do, write a column, please!!!!!"
Paul may have a lot of time on his hands, but apparently not enough for capital letters, or even the complete spelling of some words. Anyway, Paul, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but the truth is, there is nothing for teen-agers to do, here or anywhere else. At least, nothing that is both wholesome and fun.
When I was your age, my friends and I used to lament the fact that we lived in the world’s more boring town, and there was nothing to do. Ever. Eventually, we found some things to do, but I will not share those with you, as I am not sure about the statute of limitations of launching cattle airborne. Woops.
My point, Paul, is that you do indeed live in the most boring town in the world. The good news is that it is tied with every other city and town in the world on teen-agers’ list of the most boring places in the world.
To prove this point to you, Paul, I consulted my wife, an Atlanta native. Remember that in Atlanta you have Six Flags, the Braves, water parks, and exciting traffic jams. You’d think there would be no end to the excitement. But, when I asked my wife what she and her friends did for fun during their high school summers, she responded, "Why? What have you heard? Is that internet site back up?"
No, only kidding, folks, especially my wife! She said that she and her friends spent approximately 90% of their summer waking hours saying the following phrase: "This town is SOOOOOOOOOO lame!!!!!! There is NOTHING to do!!!!!!" (The other 10% they were stuck in traffic.)
So you see, Paul – it’s not the town, it’s you. Well, not you, specifically, Paul, but just a side effect of being a teen-ager during the summertime. Teen-agers have an inability to have fun wherever they are. You could strand a group of teen-agers in Vegas with fake IDs and a wheelbarrow of cash and they’d be bored in three minutes. (Not that I’m recommending that. Give the wheelbarrow to me. I’ll keep it from the kids.)
But because I am a kind, giving person, I will do my best to help you break the cycle of teen-ager boredom that has existed for roughly 36 billion years. For entertainment value, why not consider:
Probably not what you were looking for, huh? Well, Paul, I’m sorry, but the real reason I can’t help you is that I never solved the riddle myself. My summers in high school were usually spent (a) working or (b) hanging out at the swimming pool. (One of my friends was a lifeguard, so he managed to kill two birds with one stone.) And, most of the time, while at work or the pool, we talked about all of the things we could do, should do, or might do. About as crazy as it ever got was miniature golf. Oh, and the one time (NOTE FROM MIKE’S LAWYER: Due to the vastly popular Fifth Amendment to the U.S. Constitution, portions of this paragraph will be deleted) wearing nothing but a Hula hoop and a straw hat! Ahh, those were the days.
Believe it or not, Paul, at one point, you and your friends will look back on the carefree summer of 2000 as one of your best ever. Ten years from now, as you are trudging along to work, sweat rolling down the sleeve of your dress shirt, your tie choking the breath out of you, and your briefcase getting heavier with each step, you will think to yourself, I would love nothing more than to have nothing to do right now. Man, boredom can rock sometimes. Enjoy it, Paul. You don’t get to be bored like this ever again.
As an addendum to today’s column, I would like to address a few other points in the Paul’s e-mail:
1. Paul said: "The Avalanche are the greatest hockey team." No, Paul, they’re not. The Charleston Chiefs are the greatest team ever. I challenge any of you to watch Slap Shot and disagree.
2. Paul said: "The Smashing Pumpkins are the best band of all time." No, no, no, Paul! Repeat after me: Rolling Stones.
3. Paul said: "The school should never open again – endless summer!" Uh, Paul, I thought you were bored with summer? Make up your mind. And enjoy the rest of summer.
E-mail me at mwg1234@yahoo.com, especially if you have a problem like Paul’s, because I am a problem solver. Right, Paul?