LET’S GET READY TO RUMBLE

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Well, the conventions are over, so you know what that means – it’s time to start some serious mudslinging.

Yes, in no time, you should expect to see ads claiming that Al Gore is actually a transvestite heroine addict who frequently sacrifices small animals, while George Bush is actually communist mental patient who thinks he is Sandra Dee. (Granted, these will be ads for the Reform Party.)

Regardless, I think it is my duty, as Senior Chief Political Analyst for Gibbons Media Enterprises, to shed some actual light on the candidates in this upcoming election. You need an objective, no-nonsense, to-the-point source. Since there doesn’t seem to be one around, I’ll do it.

So let’s start with the Democrats. On the Democratic ticket is Al Gore and Joe Lieberman. This is a landmark ticket, as it is the first major party ticket to have a Vice Presidential candidate who has a granddaughter named after the home state of the presidential candidate. Seriously. And what kind of a ring does Tennessee Lieberman have?

As almost 40% of America’s high school students know, Al Gore is the current Vice President of the United States. Gore’s own administration has been riddled by scandal and controversy. However, he does have one thing going for him, and that’s a kicking economy. Safe bet he’ll play that for what it’s worth. Maybe he’ll even figure a way to link the two:

"My fellow Americans, during the dark time of the impeachment hearings, many of you were so sick and tired of hearing graphic descriptions of the president’s nether regions, you abandoned your televisions and headed out to the stores of your community, thereby jump starting this economy. For this we say, ‘You’re welcome.’"

Joe Lieberman, on the other hand, has been a vocal critic of the administration. Who better, of course, to pick to be your running mate than someone who has suggested on numerous occasions that you and the rest of your administration are morally bankrupt.

Lieberman has also been critical of Hollywood. This has been made a lot of in the news. I’m not sure why. If any of you out there are letting Joe Eszterhas’ feelings shape your voting decisions, please turn in your voter registration card immediately.

On the Republican side we have George W. Bush and Dick Cheney. Bush is the governor of Texas, although aides keep telling him that it will be tough to garner much support in his home state if all of the residents are executed. (Just last March, Bush ordered the execution of 72-year-old Mildred. R. Pendergrast for violation of the 10 Items of Less Express Line Law. Mrs. Pendergrast is currently awaiting an appeal.)

As most everyone knows, George Bush’s father was also president. Many say that Bush’s only qualification is that his father was president. Others, however, point out that his father was also head of the CIA.

Bush’s running mate is Dick Cheney, who served as Secretary of Defense under the Senior Bush. He’s also apparently from Wyoming. So you can see, he has energized the ticket right there!

Because no election would be fun without a fringe element, the Reform Party has thrown in a dash of wackiness with their nomination. The Reform Candidate is Pat Buchanan, who is fighting to keep us from being part of "Euroland." It says so on his website. At that website (www.buchananreform.com), I visited the Fun Stuff section. Apparently, Mr. Buchanan’s idea of fun is voting in online polls. Views aside, if this man’s idea of a rocking good time is opining whether China should be in the World Trade Organization, the Reform Party has got to get a hipper candidate. Mr. Trump – your country needs you.

So there you have it. As you can see, the choice is clear: you can vote for change. Or you can vote to keep things the way they are. Or you can vote to bomb Europe, apparently. Over the next few months, our views of the candidates will be shaped by countless stories of their character, their vision, and their late-night college drug-binges. I will be there every step of the way to keep you informed on the major issues of this election. I will be the voice for all. Except you Mrs. Pendergrast. Your appeal has been denied.