PORN OF PLENTY

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DISCLAIMER: This column deals with pornography. I’m not taking any kind of stance for or against it, and I’m not sharing pornographic thoughts or anything like that. I just know that some people are as turned off (Ha!) by the word pornography as much as by pornography itself, so I just wanted to let you know. Don’t say I’m not looking out for you!

I get a lot of junk mail, which is fine. Most of it comes in the form of credit card orders that promise not only to pay me back for 50 percent of my purchases, but also to come and mow my yard twice a month. Typically, I glance at the envelope, realize what it is and throw it in the trash, meaning my garbage man probably has several Visas and MasterCards with low, low interest and my credit backing. I guess I’ll find out next time I try to buy a car or something.

But lately, I have gotten a few pieces of mail that go far beyond the standard junk mail. The main reason for this, of course, is because it shows a picture of a scantily clad woman with the phrase "Barely Legal!" printed in red on the cover.

When I received the first package of the, um, invitation, I was curious, needless to say. I didn’t remember ordering pornography, and I’m fairly sure my wife hadn’t done so either. I opened the package and found a second envelope that said, in giant type, "Warning! Sexually explicit material enclosed! Do not open if you are under 18."

Now, I don’t know about you, but it seems to me that a warning like that is screaming for someone under 18 (in particular males, 14-17) to go diving into that package faster than a lion into a gazelle carcass.

I did open the package, not to see what was contained, but because I figured there was an address inside which I could write to and request to be removed. (Stop shaking your head and saying, "Sure you did, Mike." That is exactly why I did it, and I was right -- there was an address, which I have now written to request a cessation in porn mail-outs. Stop looking at me! I’m serious!)

I won’t get into the details of what was contained inside the package. I will tell you that it would have probably made Robert Maplethorpe blush. It nearly made my wife dismiss her lunch when she saw it sitting on the counter. Here is a recount of the conversation my wife and I had when she was looking through the mail:

MY WIFE: What’s this?

ME: (Sprinting toward the kitchen) Nooooo!!!!!

MY WIFE: Oh my...What is she doing with that canoe?

We have both tried to figure out why we suddenly got on the Smuts R Us mailing list, as neither of us really fit into the Smut demographic, so far as I can tell. The only thing that either of us can think of is that this is a result of all that online pornography that was put on my credit card.

Now, before you jump to even more conclusions, the purchases were made without my consent. A few months ago, I got my credit card statement and found 10 purchases at $24.95 each to a company with a name I was not familiar with. There was an 800 number listed by the company’s name on the statement. I called the number and asked the man who answered what the charges were for. "Entertainment," he said.

"What kind of entertainment?" I naively asked.

"Adult entertainment, sir." He told me that the purchases were off of an adult website and had been made using my credit card. I assured the guy that there was some mistake for two reasons: (1) I don’t buy anything, much less pornography, off of the Internet and (2) I didn’t have Internet access at the time. I don’t think the creepiest fan of pornography would have given $250 to a website he couldn’t get to. ("Wooo! I can just imagine what must be on that website I can’t access! That was the best $250 I’ve ever spent!")

After discussing the situation with that company and my credit card company, I got them to remove the charges. The credit card company told me that there is a very simple way that people get your card numbers and expiration dates, so it’s quite easy to make Internet purchases. I won’t give you the details, as I don’t want to tip off any would-be criminals out there, but I will tell you to shred and burn your receipts, and then eat the ashes. Now, if I could just do something about those credit card offers.